Another Language- Biracial marriage

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Another Language- Biracial marriage
2
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 11:30pm

Hello Everyone:

I have been married for nearly 10 years to a wonderful guy . I would like to add that my in-laws are not horrible but there are few things about them that really bother or upset me. The first issue is last November I uninvited my in-laws to our house citing that we needed time as a family together since my husband had just recently came from Korea. explained this in a nice fashion to my mother in law but she rebuttal the change citing that this was her son's house but of course I said it is not her sons' house but our house. THis did not go well so basically I was the bad guy. I did apologize to her because she felt that I had a strong tone but never tell a working women that the house that you and your husband share that it's your sons because it is not solely his, its' ours. I must add that my in-laws are Mexican AMerican and I am African American. My mother-in law is bilingual as well as the entire family. A few months ago my mother in law called the house and left an entire message in Spanish. I only speak a small amount of Spanish not nearly enought to say I am bilingual but enough to say stop or where is the bathroom. I did not say anything to my husband or to my mother in law but it really bothered me because we discussed this issue at the beginning of our marriage but it is starting again. Fast forward to one month ago , my sister-in-law calls and we just chit chat for about 20 minutes about stuff at the time my husband was not in but he walked up and I asked her if she would like to speak to him she replied "yes". Based on the conversation their whole family was coming down in a few weeks. I was not oppposed to them coming to our house however she never once mentioned in the conversation prior that they were coming down so I really begin to have an uneasy feeling that she felt that I did not need to be included on their request to come to our house. I did not like this at all but did not say anything because I had a conference that weekend and would only be home for a night before leaving and half a day on the day they were returning. I cooked for them when they arrived and graciously gave my mother-in-law and father in -law our bedroom because we do not have a guest room and provided my brother-in-law with the room of my sons as well. Made a reservation for my sister-in-law, husband and three kids as they requested from my husband but I made. They arrive and they say thank you for the dinner and things but the Spanish starts. I go to my room to finish a report before my business trip but before going to bed I ask them if they needed anything but nothing. My husband and I slept on the floor in my son's room. My son slept in their bed in order that they were comfortable. Fast forward again to today. I return from my trip. We all watch a movie but my husband with all the guys decide to go the mini-mall to get souveniers but my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and kids stay. We proceed to watch another movie but it starts again. THere were over 12 conversations between them two in Spanish. Everynow and then my sister-in-law would say something to me in English and I would reply. I offered them chips and salsa but not once during the entire time did my mother in law try to converse with me while everyone was gone. She directed everything to my sister -in-law and I definitely felt excluded again. The men come back and then my sister in law talks to my husband about my kids coming to her house but never including me on the conversation but directing everything to my husband. This really ticked me off because my husband is always gone (prior Active Duty) so he mentioned that our plans may not happen due to him having to leave again and things he told her that I would be her alone for six months and would come from me about the kids but did she say anything to me about my kids. I am sure they want be going because they are not big enough yet and everybody does not watch your kids like you do and especially since she neglected to even ask me what do you think or how would you feel. Should I be upset with the Spanish issue and the exclusion from my sister in law about the coming here and them inviting my kids but never discussed it with me? What do you all make of this in-law issue?

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 6:50am

They are rude, flat up. I don't care if you work or not, the house is YOURS as well as your husband's. It is fine for them to speak some Spanish, but not constantly, to the point that you are left out. Also, your SIL never including you in asking about your children going to visit would never fly in my home.

Your husband needs to set them straight. If he doesn't then you need to. Tell them that this is YOUR home, just as much as your husband's and the children are also yours. Tell them flat up that their constant conversations in Spanish are rude and exclusionary.

If they cannot be even remotely polite to you in your own home, then they need to stay elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Sun, 01-14-2007 - 7:51pm
I think that I'd feel the same way if I were in that situation. Your SIL especially, wasnt particularly inclusive. I think that in the future your husband should make it a POINT to tell them that all the decisions in your house are taken jointly and she should ask you about the children since you're the primary caregiver. If they speak Spanish he should keep speaking English until they understand that it's not okay to exclude you from conversations. If they dont get the point your husband should tell them not to speak spanish when you are present. It's your husband's responsibility to make you feel more included and part of the family even if your in-laws resist. You should try and talk to him about it. There is no other way to get things to improve. He has to take the lead here.