Those pesky in-laws!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Those pesky in-laws!
7
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 1:36pm

Hello All! I need some opinions on the in-law situation. This is gonna be a long one! The main question I want to ask all of you is: How often to you and your significant other talk/visit your parents? What is considered a normal healthy relationship with your parents?

I grew up in a good home and love my mother and siblings very much, I'm the oldest of six. They live over an hour away from me so I only visit about once a month. I work full time, have a 2 year old, and I'm juggling a full load of classes this semester, so I really don't have that much free time for visits. However I talk with each of them atleast once or twice every 2 weeks. A quick chit chat, tell em how I'm doing, exchange I love you's, that's it. When I left the nest at 16, I stayed out of the nest, never moving home once. I always figured that when you grow up, have your own family and life, your relationship with your parents would most likely change for obvious reasons. I consider this normal for me.

My 30 year old fiance on the other hand couldn't disagree more. He also grew up the oldest of six, and his relationship with his family seems very weird to me. His two sisters 27 and 20 still live at home, and no they're not in college anymore. They live about a half hour away and he's at their house atleast 4 days a week, not just dropping in either. He'll stay for like two hours, help himself to their food, watch tv, go on the computer, even if no one is home. And if visiting isn't enough, his parents will call him everyday, both of them. His mother will call multiple times a day, sometimes at 10 at night, for stupid things like "did you just finish watching that last episode of 24?" It drives me nuts. I've been quiet about it so far, but I can't take it anymore.

His parents butt into our personal life, and I have never gotten along with them. When I was 7 months pregnant with our first child, they invited his ex-girlfriend/mother of his daughter to my first ever Christmas dinner where I met his extended family, and I had to sit across the table from her. It was sooo uncomfortable because I could hear his cousins wispering about how odd it was that she was there. That year was the first year he met his daughter when she was three(because the mother told him he wasn't the father for the first three years of her life)But that's an entirely different story. It's upsetting because they make more of an effort to see his other daughter-who lives 2 hours away, than they do to see our son. It's like they can't function without drama going on. We have been together for 3 years, and I'm pregnant with our second child. When I nicely say things like, hey maybe we could spend time together as a family, if you weren't at your parents house all the time, he argues with me. He tells me that I'm the one who is abnormal because I don't talk to my parents nearly enough. I like to keep my personal life private, I wish he would do the same. It's very embarrassing how much his parents know about our relationship. Any comments or advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2007
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 3:05pm
I am basicly going through the same exact thing right now. My husbands parents will not give us any space and I'm going nuts. He thinks I'm trying to end his relationship with them and gets defensive but I just need them to back off. I don't talk to mom family that often because i'm a private person and I don't need them in my business. But my inlaws stay in my business and then tell everyone what's going on in my life. Hello-that's place to do. I don't know what to tell you to do, I'm going out of my mind!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 3:43pm

Oh my goodness! I was going to post almost the exact same question today when I got the chance. (currently at work and it is hard to get a minute) It is like you were reading my mind execpt that my situation is a bit different. I do not have a "great" relationship with either of my parents. It is okay with my dad and stepmom, but non-existent with my mom and stepfather (for various reasons--mother never wanted siblings and myself. we lived with and were raised by my dad. mother refused to attend my high school graduation b/c she was going to a nascar race. never calls. never visits. etc, etc. --but that is a whole other post) My parents are divorced and re-married. They both went on to have more children with thier respective partners. My sister and I have pretty much been forgotten since then. They both have thier little families now and could care less about us. (Imagine how it would feel at Christmas, to be asked to step aside during pictures, so that they could have a picture with just thier kids "with one another?" Well, it doesn't feel good at all) Anyway, I speak with my dad maybe once a month or so. Speak with mother maybe 2-3 times a year, if that much. (we have talked a little more as of late, due to the fact that I am getting married this year.) my dad lives about 45 min away and my mom lives in another state (about 4 hrs away) My fiance's parents live a little over an hour away. Although I do like my future in-laws for the most part, they are still just that: in-laws. They can be annoying at times but it is what it is, so I just ignore it mostly. The thing that kills me is thier relationship with my fiancee. They talk to him almost daily. He calls them probably 3 or 4 times per week, and then they call him just about every other day. It is rare that they go a day without speakng. And these are not little 5-10 minute converstations mind you, they are always (yes, always) at least an hour in length. And a lot of times an hour and a half to two hours! --I feel that is fine once in a while, but several times per week?? And I agree with the OP, he tells them WAY TOO MUCH INFO about us! They discuss our bills and salaries (i was raised to feel this is tacky), everywhere we go or anything we do (recreational things--dates, movies, out of town trips) and even some of our arguments!

I don't agree with this. My fiancee is almost 27 yrs old. I think that you have to grow up to a certain degree. We have been engaged for almost a year and we are getting married this spring. We just bought our first house together this past August. I love him very much, but this is starting to bother me some. I hate to sound awful, I am glad they are close. I don't have anything like that in my life and I try to reamin supportive of it, even though I don't understand it at times. Fiancee works full-time and is also a sports coach. I work 40-50 hrs per week. We are very, very busy. There are nights that we don't get to sit down and eat until 7 or 8 pm! And when you have been going full-steam ahead since 6 am that morning, you are pretty much wiped out at the day's end. We harldy ever get to go anywhere or do anything fun b/c of our busy schedules. So when he is on the phone for over an hour almost every night, I go get on the computer or work out or take a bath. Then he gets off the phone and it's time to go to bed! I hate to sound selfish, but what about me? There are nights that he and I don't have a solid hour of converstation for crying out loud! I manage with it for now but what about when we are married and start having babies. Add a baby to our busy lives and I just won't be able to do it all (housework ,cooking, etc) I do probably 90% of housework and cooking now, but how am I going to do that with a baby in my arms? --While he just sits on the couch on the phone with them?? I will have to have help then for sure. It will take both of us to have kids. I have kinda made little comments about how much time he spends on the phone and he just blows it off totally. Says he is close to his parents and always has been and always will be. (he is an only child and I am sure this accounts for some of it)

I have been very anxious about bringing this up. I really feel like we need to discuss this before the wedding and starting a family, but I am dreading it. I don't want a fight and I don't want to appear like I am "limiting" his time with them or anything like that. Can someone give me some advice or an opinion about this? Any similar situations, and if so, how did you deal with it??

Please help!!

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 4:06pm
wow, it sounds like your totally in the same boat as I. Thanks for the post. I completely understand how apprehensive you are when it comes to approaching the subject with him. My fiance also states that he is close with his family and always will be. I feel that once you start your own family, you should dedicate yourself and your time to them, because they should always come first. I also understand how you feel about the amound of information he shares with his mother. Sometimes when she calls, he'll actually get up, go into another room, and shut the door. For the record, I agree that wages should be private, but my boyfriend and his family are all about money. It's probably the most important thing to them, and he told them how much I earn after I asked him not to. "It's not a big deal, get over it, I don't hide stuff like that from them, so why should you?" He's being sneaky about whatever it is they're talking about, and I find it very annoying. Like he knows I'll flip out on him for dishing out our personal business, so he thinks I won't find out if I don't hear him say it! I hate feeling like an outsider with his family, and it doesn't help when he never invites me over there with him. Even though I don't want to go, atleast I'd be spending time with him. Really, all I can say for us is deal with it, right? This is a tough one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 8:43pm

"When I nicely say things like, hey maybe we could spend time together as a family, if you weren't at your parents house all the time, he argues with me. He tells me that I'm the one who is abnormal because I don't talk to my parents nearly enough. "

What the above statement shows is basic incompatibility in your views regarding the involvement of your in-laws. You HAVE to resolve this before you get married, otherwise it will become an issue that will drive a wedge between the two of you.

I suggest that you sit him down when you are both in a good moood and tell him that this bothers you and you need to come to an agreement about boundaries before you get married. The way he responds to you will show you how good the two of you are resolving disagreements. A good argument would go like this: you both say your piece and both negotiate towards a solution that will be okay for both. You dont yell, say insulting things or get emotional.
A bad argument would be: him dismissing you by saying things like you are unreasonable, or that you have different ideas and they are wrong ideas.

Basically you have to learn to negotiate towards a situation where you are both happy with the amount of contact you have.

If you find that you cannot argue well with each other then I'd suggest counselling, the sooner the better. If he wont agree to that, then I would advice that you seriously consider whether you can live with this situation forever, or whether this is a deal-breaker for you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 7:39pm

I'm also in the same situation. This is the way I see it, though... It is not only a matter of how much you see or talk to your families (parents, siblings) but also what goes on during those visits and converations. I would not mind to see my in-laws a little bit more often if they were not as nozy, intrusive and opinionated as they are. I think every family is different as how much you want to see your relatives and it is actually a good idea to have all these things clear before you get married. If you can't agree on how often to see them and if they don't seem to be the kind of people that respect boundaries, then you are not in a good deal.

In my case, we see my in-laws once a week. I had to "fight" for this. They wanted to see us more but I had to explain that I am busy with work, kid, house, etc. My mil would call two or three times daily just for nonsense and to ask what I consider too many questions. It was tough to get to the point of not talking to her during the day. I first told her that I couldn't talk to her everyday because I was busy so I said that we would talk once on Wednesdays. She didn't respect this at all and she would keep calling everyday. I told her again that I would not be able to answer the phone and she kept calling. At that point, I got caller ID and I stopped answering the phone except on Wednesdays. Believe me, she doesn't like it but that's the way it is. I always told her very clearly that I will always respond to an emergency message right away. The rest has to wait. Then my daughter was born and I have stopped answering the phone on Wednesdays too unless it is important or emergency. If they have a question, they leave a message and I call them if I feel it is important or I send them an email with the answer. The less I talk to them, the less they know about my personal life. We go to see them once a week and that's when they have all my attention. Regarding Dh, he still talks to his mom at least every other day, but she calls him to his cell. I kind of started that by saying "call him to his cell so the baby doesn't wake up" so DH usually talks to his mom before he gets home. If I don't see it, I don't care. I'm sure she asks him many personal questions but there is nothing I can do about this. At any rate, I'm the one in charge of finances and things like that so he doens't know much anyway. When he gets home, we pretty much agreed that it was time to stop answering the phone from the moment we start having dinner. At the beginning it was a matter of "let's turn off the phone so it doens't wake up our fussy baby now that she is finally sleeping". In other words, I have always used good opportunities to pull away from them. DH got used to the fact that our life is different now and it is okay not to have to respond to parents every single time (unless it is important as I said previously). I think it is better to approach the situation with "excuses" than to be too direct to DH, especially if he is used to be very close to his parents and if he sees as normal to answer to personal questions. You can find a middle point but do it gradually and in a very diplomatic way. Not only you need to be diplomatic with your in-laws but with your husbands. It is more likely that you come to an agreement without resentment or fights. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 5:46am

Well DH and I are in an unusual situation. We have been married 3.5 years, and have not had our own house as of yet.

When we got married we lived with his parents. Most people would find this situation hard, but it worked for us. We all worked together also. We shared the house, DH and I had our space, they had theres. Occasionally we would step on each others toes. But the only prob was when SIL cheated on her hubby and had to move in. I cant stand her. Anyways, we often didnt see my in-laws because they were always at work, and we spent most evenings out. And when they would get home they would usually go to bed. We would spend family days together on saturdays or sundays during the day.

While we were living with them, I only saw my family maybe once every month or two. They lived at first an hour drive on the weekends, but six with week day traffic from us. Then we moved four hours away. During this time I would talk to my mom sometimes every day, but usually every other day or two. Sometimes my converstaions were short, other times they were longer.

Then this feb we moved out of DH's Parents into my Moms when DH took a new job. We moved into my Moms to help her with fixing up the house, and financially because my step father had passed away. We had planned to buy or rent our own house within a few months at most of moving. But DH has been very ill for the better part of a year, and hasnt been able to work, and neither have I because he is so sick so now mom is helping us out.

Now that we are at my moms, DH talks to his parents every few days, sometimes everyday depending on what is going on some converstaions are quick, others very lengthy. I also talk to them regualarly.

I think it all depends on what you are used to. We are both very open with both sets of parents, and are honest about our expectations of privacy. And what we are/are not comfortable with the other one sharing. Im sure that if we had not lived wtih eachothers parents during the time we are married then the situation would be different. A lot of people have told us how wrong and inmature it is to live with our parents that we are married. I would agree if outside of this illness we were relying on them to support us, but we dont. It was more of sharing a house as roomates than it was of living with mommy and daddy. That and both sides parents are honest about their lives too. So its not like they know how much money we make, and we dont know about them.

Like I said not a normal situation, just another prespective.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:51pm

"It drives me nuts. I've been quiet about it so far, but I can't take it anymore."

You knew this about him when you married him. I'm sorry but, you have married him under false pretenses. You pretended that you loved him exactly the way he was. But now you admit that he must change or you will lose your mind. That's unfair.