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Please Help!
| Wed, 01-17-2007 - 2:13pm |
I will try to explain as concisely as possible, and I would appreciate if I could get any advice. My situation is this: my husband and I recently bought a house and got married, in that order. Shortly after our wedding, his mother was having financial difficulties and was forced to move in with us. Now, I am an EXTREMELY private person, so living with anyone else is hard for me. But, it is his mom, so I understand that we needed to help. So, she was unemployed, and looking for a job. During that time, she would be up at ALL hours of the day and NIGHT, cleaning, cooking, whatever. I dealt with that, but was kind of uneasy about having someone just up and walking around at 3, 4 o clock in the morning. Anyway, I was also having a problem because she would be cooking meals for my husband and cleaning up and even folding our laundry if I happened to leave it in the dryer for any length of time. As I said, I am private, so when I walked in the laundry room to find my bras hanging on hangers all over, I was a bit peeved! Then, I would put things somewhere that I wanted them, only to find them somewhere else the next morning/night. My husband and I both have full-time jobs. Now, when I would get home, she would be there watching tv, and cooking, and when I come home, I just want to sit there and watch tv and veg. But, I couldn't because she was there. Anyway, I started to get frustrated and my husband and I talked and he said I was being petty and she was old and only wanted to help. Ok, I know and I asked him not to say anything about it. Anyway, she stopped the cooking for him and found a job, so for the next couple of months, everything was ok. Then, she got sick for two, three weeks, and could not work. Then, when she went back, things happened and she ended up quitting. Now, she is out of work again, since before Thanksgiving. It is going on six months now with her living with us, and I am getting frustrated with other things she is doing. First, she "overhears" our conversations, and will say things to me about the conversations later. Then, she will look in our drawers, and whatever else, and even go into our bedroom. I do not like this, and even have asked my husband to lock the door when he leaves. Now, this latest thing that has me upset is that for Xmas, we bought her a pair of shoes. Ok, she liked them, whatever. Now, last week, she goes to my husband when I am not around and says she appreciates the gift, but could we take it back and give her the money. He says we can't the cash back because it was on a credit card, so we would only get credit, but he says he would give her the money. So, he gives her the money. Then, last night, when my husband is not there, she comes out of her room and says to me the same thing!! She really appreciates the gift, but she wants the money. I tell her that it was on a credit card, and we wouldn't get the cash, but she insists and brings the shoes out and puts them on the counter. Then, when I wake up in the morning, she has placed my wallet on the shoebox, so I wouldn't forget probably!!! I just think this is presumptuous of her, and I am annoyed by this. So, I tell my husband and he laughs and says, ok, he will talk to her. Now, this morning, he gets mad at me for getting mad at her and being frustrated about our lack of privacy. Oh, and since she is right next door to us and is up all the time, and keeps her tv low, our sex life is diminishing. So, he is upset about that as well. So, basically, he is calling me petty and making it out like I am trying to throw her out, but that isn't what i want. I just need him to set boundaries in our SMALL HOUSE, so she knows that we need privacy. Oh, and she has another son who is 17 and comes over on the weekends, but lives with his dad during the week so he can continue to go to school.
I asked him to talk to her about temp agencies, etc for a job and unemployment so she can get some money, but she said she doesn't know how to go about doing either of those, and is just waiting on a job prospect from two months ago.
So, am I being petty? And if I am, shouldn't my husband AT LEAST mention to his mom about the privacy thing???
I asked him to talk to her about temp agencies, etc for a job and unemployment so she can get some money, but she said she doesn't know how to go about doing either of those, and is just waiting on a job prospect from two months ago.
So, am I being petty? And if I am, shouldn't my husband AT LEAST mention to his mom about the privacy thing???

He IS spoiled, and he is handling this matter like a child, and now I have some thinking to do.
Thanks again!!
If I were in that situation that is what I would do. Abandoning my or my husband's parents isnt my style.. I would take care of them financially. But I would also make sure that they were under a different roof and not in my private space 24/7.
"I did not go home after work, because I didn't want a confrontation."
Your home is not only a physical shelter, it is a emotional and psychological shelter. It sounds like it is not that for either you or your husband. I think there is hope for him. The flip flops seem to indicate that he is conflicted about the situation rather than him just giving in to mommy.
At this point I think you should go to him and tell him what you want as far as having a home that gives the 2 of you the privacy and independence you both need to shelter one another and bond. Ask him to work with you to do that. No anger or complaining about mommy, just this. If he brings in other things, tell him that is later and ask him if he wants the same thing as you yes or no. His answer will tell you whether he will stand by your side and it is worth continuing.
If he stands by you, then work on a solution to the problem. No "you should" or "your mom needs to" stuff, just figure out how the 2 of you are going to go about correcting this situation. Sometimes he might backslide or flip flop. When he does, just remind him of your goal of a home together and ask how should we best do that. This is how you stand by him as you expect him to be by your side and you create a unified front.
I must tell you that my MIL lived with my DH and I for 2 days and I MYSELF threw her out. I threw her out because she snooped throu my house and she had to go. My DH wanted to give me lip about it and I told him it was me or her. Well needless to say, she was evicted.
It is NOT your place or responsibility to PAY for her a place to live. Your mil is grown and can pay for herself. That to me sounds like an excuse from your husband, which to me is bogus. I think that your DH needs to choose wife or mommy. Or you make the choice for him....evict his mother. That is your house too. You have more right to your house than she ( your MIL) does.
GOOD LUCK
Laura