Please Help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Please Help!
9
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 2:13pm
I will try to explain as concisely as possible, and I would appreciate if I could get any advice. My situation is this: my husband and I recently bought a house and got married, in that order. Shortly after our wedding, his mother was having financial difficulties and was forced to move in with us. Now, I am an EXTREMELY private person, so living with anyone else is hard for me. But, it is his mom, so I understand that we needed to help. So, she was unemployed, and looking for a job. During that time, she would be up at ALL hours of the day and NIGHT, cleaning, cooking, whatever. I dealt with that, but was kind of uneasy about having someone just up and walking around at 3, 4 o clock in the morning. Anyway, I was also having a problem because she would be cooking meals for my husband and cleaning up and even folding our laundry if I happened to leave it in the dryer for any length of time. As I said, I am private, so when I walked in the laundry room to find my bras hanging on hangers all over, I was a bit peeved! Then, I would put things somewhere that I wanted them, only to find them somewhere else the next morning/night. My husband and I both have full-time jobs. Now, when I would get home, she would be there watching tv, and cooking, and when I come home, I just want to sit there and watch tv and veg. But, I couldn't because she was there. Anyway, I started to get frustrated and my husband and I talked and he said I was being petty and she was old and only wanted to help. Ok, I know and I asked him not to say anything about it. Anyway, she stopped the cooking for him and found a job, so for the next couple of months, everything was ok. Then, she got sick for two, three weeks, and could not work. Then, when she went back, things happened and she ended up quitting. Now, she is out of work again, since before Thanksgiving. It is going on six months now with her living with us, and I am getting frustrated with other things she is doing. First, she "overhears" our conversations, and will say things to me about the conversations later. Then, she will look in our drawers, and whatever else, and even go into our bedroom. I do not like this, and even have asked my husband to lock the door when he leaves. Now, this latest thing that has me upset is that for Xmas, we bought her a pair of shoes. Ok, she liked them, whatever. Now, last week, she goes to my husband when I am not around and says she appreciates the gift, but could we take it back and give her the money. He says we can't the cash back because it was on a credit card, so we would only get credit, but he says he would give her the money. So, he gives her the money. Then, last night, when my husband is not there, she comes out of her room and says to me the same thing!! She really appreciates the gift, but she wants the money. I tell her that it was on a credit card, and we wouldn't get the cash, but she insists and brings the shoes out and puts them on the counter. Then, when I wake up in the morning, she has placed my wallet on the shoebox, so I wouldn't forget probably!!! I just think this is presumptuous of her, and I am annoyed by this. So, I tell my husband and he laughs and says, ok, he will talk to her. Now, this morning, he gets mad at me for getting mad at her and being frustrated about our lack of privacy. Oh, and since she is right next door to us and is up all the time, and keeps her tv low, our sex life is diminishing. So, he is upset about that as well. So, basically, he is calling me petty and making it out like I am trying to throw her out, but that isn't what i want. I just need him to set boundaries in our SMALL HOUSE, so she knows that we need privacy. Oh, and she has another son who is 17 and comes over on the weekends, but lives with his dad during the week so he can continue to go to school.
I asked him to talk to her about temp agencies, etc for a job and unemployment so she can get some money, but she said she doesn't know how to go about doing either of those, and is just waiting on a job prospect from two months ago.
So, am I being petty? And if I am, shouldn't my husband AT LEAST mention to his mom about the privacy thing???
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 2:26pm
One more thing. My husband's view on this is that I am petty and he is starting to not like me because I say these things about his mom. His viewpoint is that he doesn't agree with anything I say and thinks that I am wrong and he is on her side. I told him that he doesn't have to agree with my "pettiness", but he does need to be on my side at least, since he is my husband. But, one day he will tell me thanks for being so patient and he understands, but the next day, he will yell at me for getting frustrated with something. So, I am even more frustrated because he flip flops like this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 6:40pm
Why don't you mention it, instead of waiting around for your husband to be the man he apparently isn't? Tell her to please stay out of your bedroom, as there is no reason whatsoever for her to enter. Then, sit with her and tell her that while the last six months with her living there has been your pleasure to help her out, that she needs to find new residence in 60 days, because as a newly married couple, you need this time to grow and bond as husband and wife and you simply can not do that while living with mommy. Be kind, but matter of fact. Also, make no appologies and turn it back on your husband if he dares stand against you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2005
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 7:11pm
Well, one thing is very clear to me, your husband is a mommy's boy. I don't mean to sound harsh but it is pretty obvious. This is going to be the beginning of a long ongoing problem. However you have something on your favor: you don't have kids (am I correct?) so I think you should be very tough and explain things very clearly. If DH is unable to understand or does not want to understand that it is time to let mommy go, then you should get out as fast as you can. Believe me, you should. Don't wait till it is too late!. Generally speaking I don't think it is a good idea for parents to live with their married kids but in your case it is even a worse idea since she is instrusive and nozy. I think you need to give your husband (and her) a dateline by which she needs to be out of the house. If you can help her financially, great, do so. Give her money to rent a small aparment or whatever but you need to set a date and she needs to be out. Believe me, she is going to play the game of "I'm sick" or "I won't be able to live on my own" (blah, blah). If she can't live on her own, she will need to live in a place where they can help her. It is that or your marriage will get destroyed sooner or later. Your husband is starting not to like you because you complain and I'm sure you are starting not to like your husband because he is not on your side and you see him as a little boy afraid of his mom. This is not good. But again, you have a choice. You explain to your husband what the deal is and he can take it or leave it. And you run, run, run, if he doesn't take it. Don't wait for kids to be in the way, for bigger commitments and stronger feelings. Don't be embarrased to tell the world that it didn't work out, that he was not the person you thought he was. You are not being petty. She doesn't have the right to look in your drawers, to touch your wallet or to overhear your conversations. Respecting parents doesn't mean having to live with them forever and to grant all their demands. I hope you can figure out what to do. Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 9:59am
Thanks for your replies, they really help! I was beginning to think I was crazy! Well, yesterday my husband got angry with what I said to him and called his mom and told her she had to move NOW because I am angry with her! So, now the situation is worse. I don't know what to do now, but I did not go home after work, because I didn't want a confrontation. Anyway, I realize that my husband has now put a rift between his mother and I, and who knows how I will be viewed now by the rest of his family...
He IS spoiled, and he is handling this matter like a child, and now I have some thinking to do.
Thanks again!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 11:06am
No, you are not crazy and it is time for DH to choose between you and his mother. Like me, I am sure that is what you thought he was doing when he married you, but obviously he has not separated from her into adulthood. Insist that he go with you to counseling or cut your loses before there are children involved and give him back to his Mommy. His mother should be ashamed of herself for placing herself in your home and not giving your new marriage a chance to survive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 6:19pm
I dont think you are being petty. I think you're being realistic and your husband is in denial. This sort of situation is never tenable long-term. Can you and your husband pay for her to live in a small studio within 30 min. driving distance? That might make him feel less guilty about moving her out, and she wouldnt have to starve.
If I were in that situation that is what I would do. Abandoning my or my husband's parents isnt my style.. I would take care of them financially. But I would also make sure that they were under a different roof and not in my private space 24/7.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 12:47pm

"I did not go home after work, because I didn't want a confrontation."

Your home is not only a physical shelter, it is a emotional and psychological shelter. It sounds like it is not that for either you or your husband. I think there is hope for him. The flip flops seem to indicate that he is conflicted about the situation rather than him just giving in to mommy.

At this point I think you should go to him and tell him what you want as far as having a home that gives the 2 of you the privacy and independence you both need to shelter one another and bond. Ask him to work with you to do that. No anger or complaining about mommy, just this. If he brings in other things, tell him that is later and ask him if he wants the same thing as you yes or no. His answer will tell you whether he will stand by your side and it is worth continuing.

If he stands by you, then work on a solution to the problem. No "you should" or "your mom needs to" stuff, just figure out how the 2 of you are going to go about correcting this situation. Sometimes he might backslide or flip flop. When he does, just remind him of your goal of a home together and ask how should we best do that. This is how you stand by him as you expect him to be by your side and you create a unified front.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 11:10am
I agree that your MIL is acting horribly, but I am not sure that taking a demanding stance is going to help when things are already touchy. You will be portrayed as the bad person, and your husband's response of blaming her moving out on you is unfair. It shows that he does not want to be the bad guy and does not want to stand up to his mom. I think that you and your husband need to really sit down and talk about this privately, and hopefully he can bring an open mind. Maybe counseling would help. Then hopefully the two of you can be a united front and kindly tell MIL that she needs to move out by X day, that you will help her find a place, etc. Meanwhile she needs to know that your bedroom is off limits and that the same holds true with whatever bedroom she is using (that you and your husband don't go in there and rifle through her stuff, so you need the same in return). I think that being confrontational is going to cause bigger problems. Yes, you may end up having to decide if this is what you want, and your husband may need to decide if he would rather have his mom or you. But it doesn't sound like it's to that point yet, so I would think it would be better to try and work it out first before jumping to conclusions that you should divorce or give him an ultimatum. Let him know that you care about his mom and the troubles that she's going through, but that her constant presence isn't healthy for him or her. Can you nicely get him to see that she is manipulative? Can she understand that she needs to get on with her life, and that it's unhealthy for it to revolve around her son? Would MIL ever go to counseling or job counseling or financial counseling to get her life back on track?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 9:05pm

I must tell you that my MIL lived with my DH and I for 2 days and I MYSELF threw her out. I threw her out because she snooped throu my house and she had to go. My DH wanted to give me lip about it and I told him it was me or her. Well needless to say, she was evicted.
It is NOT your place or responsibility to PAY for her a place to live. Your mil is grown and can pay for herself. That to me sounds like an excuse from your husband, which to me is bogus. I think that your DH needs to choose wife or mommy. Or you make the choice for him....evict his mother. That is your house too. You have more right to your house than she ( your MIL) does.

GOOD LUCK
Laura