In case I over-react...
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 01-17-2007 - 8:01pm |
Hi everyone,
My name is Cristina and I am a lurker. I might have posted in the past but not in a long time. As I said in a couple of posts, I have what I consider nozy and opinionated parents in law. Especially mother in law, let's put it this way. I am positive that I am right about this. The kind of questions she has asked me are crazy, from "are you having sex now that you are pregnant" to "how much money do you have in that bank account". I seriously should make a list of my favorite questions... oh, yeah... "are you saving any money?", "do you have any money saved?", "how much money are you making now?". Okay, I think those qualify as "nozy", right?
Anyway, from time to time I would like to hear your opinion on whether this or that is an "over the top" question on her part or whether I am over-reacting. I understand that at this point, no matter what she asks me I try to analize whether she is being nozy or she is just trying to have some "small talk" with me. The question that is still in my head is the following. We were going on a trip and they were taking care of my daughter for two days. I wanted them to know where we keep our personal papers in case something would happen. So I took them upstairs and I showed them the cabinets. I explained "this is the cabinet that I called *bills*, we keep the bills here, this is the cabinet that I call *debts*, this is where we keep the mortgage papers, the credit card statements, etc.". Well, the moment I said this she asked "wait... that's your only debt, right... your mortgage... you don't have any other debt, right?".
Tell me, did she need to ask this? Is this her business? Why do I have to answer that question? I don't think I need to go in detail about my cabinets. She just need to know where they are in case God forbid something happens to us. But that doesn't give her the right to ask if we have any debts or what kind of bills we have or whatever else there is inside. If something happens, then go ahead and look inside and see if we have debts but till then, I don't think this information needs to be shared.
Am I over-reacting? This is an example of why I don't like to get closed to them because they will pop questions like that.
Thank you!
Edited to add: I think what also drives me nut is that in those situations I don't know how to answer. I don't want to tell her but I don't find the right words to say "I don't want to tell you" in a nice way. How do you answer something like this? I guess I could have said something like "well, if something happens to us, you can look inside and see if we have any other debts, otherwise there is no need to discuss that subject". The problem is that I don't think of these great answers on the spot and then I feel like an idiot for responding to her nozy questions!

Hi
Just read your post. I have an overly nosy MIL too, go figure! Actually I have a nosy mother too, so I get from both.
I think that you are not totally over reacting, some of the questions that you posted are really none of her business. I've spoken to my DH on more than one occasion about how much info he is telling her. She doesn't call the house to talk to him, only calls him at work.
It can be very hard to come up with a "nice way" to answer questions that just floor you. Something that has been working for me lately is to change the topic right away and pretend that they didn't ask the question or that you didn't hear it. And just take a deep breath and let it go. If they press the question, I like to say very nicely in my good girl voice "Umm...I don't think you need to know about that right now....Insert new Topic Here"
Hope this helps
Muphie :)
Hi.
Other suggestion for some of the nosy questions could be, "Husband and I are handling that just fine, thanks. Want some bean dip? (subject change)"; "That's special between husband and I. Want some bean dip?"; "Why on earth would you ask such a personal question?" {'cause I love you and worry about you two} "Thank you for your concern, MIL. Have some bean dip."
I do hope you have a lock for those cabinets if she spends any time there alone. You could have your "just in case" papers held by an attorney, then all *she* has to know is which attorney to call, if the worst should happen.
Good luck with her!
ilve2read
My DH and I try very much to stick together on subjects like this too. The problem is that MIL only asks me.....it's a control issue for her to feel superior. So, now I completely ignore her questions for at least the first time she asks them. Then if she has the nerve to ask again, I reply with "I did hear you the first time, but I was sure I misunderstood what you said. I know you really wouldn't want to know the information DH and I have that is very personal." Sometimes she gets defensive saying that I am too sensitive...that she is just trying to be supportive, but who cares? I just smile sweetly and try to change the subject. If it doesn't work, I end the visit quickly.
As for your trip, try a safety deposit box, or give a key to your cabinet to a friend or other relative that you trust, and who wouldn't be left alone in your house. This way, if something were to happen, she would have access, but there is absolutely no reason for her to have complete access.
Good luck.
Hi Mommy2kyla!
One answer that you can give your MIL when she asks you those nosy questions is "I think that is personal." Also, you could say "I think that is between my husband and I," or "I don't think that is an appropriate question to ask." or you can just not answer her at all and let her stew over the fact that she asked and you are ignoring her questions.
No, I don't think you are overreacting and your MIL should not be asking you those inappropriate questions.
Follow me to:
I would say to tell her that it is personal, or private, but she will prob retort with im family, or Im just trying to help.... I would turn the questions back on her. Ask her why she always has soo many personal questions. And then tell her there are some things that you only discuss with DH, and you really dont want to offend her but you really would like your privacy.
I think too often people tell their parents way to much before their married, and parents just get used to knowing everything about their childrens lives. So when they are older, or have a spouse parents dont realize things are off limits.
~~~Okay, I think those qualify as "nozy", right?
Hi Christina,
To the questions you posed, I'd say "yes", they most definately qualify as being overly nozy.
I don't know if anyone else has suggested this:
Whenever you are asked a nozy question, just repy as casually as possible with, "everything's fine, why do you ask?".
It may throw them off, and if they have difficulty coming up with a legitimate or reasonable excuse for asking, it may eventually stop the nozy questions entirely.