worried about future inlaws
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| Thu, 01-18-2007 - 2:38am |
My bf and I have been together for more 4 years (off and on). We're 23. In the beginning with his family it was akward. His step-father (now deceased) had made some remarks about what I wore the first time I met them. He had a curfew that I didn't really know about because when I was with him he stayed with his father (which didn't have a curfew). One night we were out until about 1ish (we were 18) and his mother called and she crazy. I had heard what his step father was saying in the background about me. Obviously it was some not nice stuff.
When we broke up a couple times she knew and made it known that she had distaste about me, along with when we got back together. Also, I believe that she thinks I'm lazy. I worked since I was 16 putting 99% of my money in savings. I decided to go back to college and knew that I had enough to get through at least 2-3 years without working and just concentrating on school. She kept saying when are you going to work.
Fastforward to now: I'm looking for a job because my savings are used to the point of where I want to start working again. Along with my bf and I looking into buying a house, which is right next door to his grandparents (father's side)
She has basically interfered with a lot of stuff in our relationship. I just feel like it's going to happen if we move in together. I don't know how to exactly set 'ground rules' on our 'personal' life. Basically, I don't want them knowing our financial information, uninvited/unknowing visits, telling me how to do things. Any advice. because I know that it's going to happen. TIA

Hey, kudos to you for being so responsible re: money and school! It seems to be a lost art.
First and foremost is your bf. How does *he* feel about sharing personal info with his mother? Is he already in the habit of answering *all* of her questions? Or, worse yet, *volunteering* personal info?
Is he able to tell her (and her husband) "no" and make it stick?
If he is, then your problem is solved. Discuss with him your limitations and comfort levels. Maybe start with a brainstorming session to come up with as many possible scenarios as you two can think of, then start fine-tuning agreed-upon responses to "classes" of intrusion.
ie, unwanted advise can be met with something like, "Hmm. Interesting. Thank you." or, "Thank you. I hadn't thought of it like that." or you may need something like, "Bf and I have discussed this and *we* decided to do it like this. Thanks, though. "
If your bf is *not* able to resist them, then proceed with extreme caution. It matters not what boundaries *you* put in place if your bf is going to open the gate any time they tell him to.
The child of the "problem" parents is the key in the issue. As a team working together, there is little that cannot be overcome. If one member is siding with "the *other* team", there is little that can succeed.
Good luck to you, I wish you the very best as you work this through.
ilve2read
ilve2read is so right. I did marry the son that couldn't stand up to his parents. Just 2 years ago I finally snapped and he had to choose. Them or me and our 4 kids. It was very hard, but now were are a united front, and he has so much more confidence in himself. And it has been great knowing that now, I don't hate family gatherings because I know what behvior will not be tolerated and DH will try to protect me. (MIL hates this, but she really doesn't have a say in the matter.)
Bottom line is this situation will not go away on it's own. If they are bad to you now, they will be bad for as long as they can. And really only DH can change that.
Good luck, and keeping going for your education.....remember that hateful people can only sting you, but they CAN NOT take away who you are, who you want to be, and everything you have accomplished if you stay true to yourself.
Hi Shybunbun, welcome to the board!
How does your boyfriend feel about what his parents have said about you? Does he stick up for you?
Before you and your boyfriend get your own place together, I think it would be wise to discuss boundary issues with him. Let him know that you don't want them to knowing your finances, how much you make or any other private information. Also, you should let him know what you expect as far as when they visit. Tell him that they are going to need to call first before coming over and not just dropping over whenever they feel like it. Make sure that he knows that you don't want them having a key to your place either.
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