Any man who would threaten divorce over this is no man. What about the insults his FATHER threw out there about HIS son? What about how his mother has belittled your parenting decisions? I mean, sure it was nice that she helped you out. But, that does not give her license to do whatever she wants.
I guess that doesn't matter to your mama's boy husband, though. The only thing that matters is his Mommy and Daddy. That, to me, is pathetic.
If my husband threatened to divorce me over his mother and father and their immaturity, I would tell him to not let the door hit him in the arse on the way out. (this is just ME, and I am not telling you what to do) And there is no way in heck I would allow my son to go where I am not welcome. My husband would have to pry the child out of my cold, dead hands. Because if your FIL would make snide remarks in front of your mother, he sure as heck won't be selective and careful about bashing you to your son. NO CHILD needs to hear his mother being run down. That is akin to child abuse.
I don't think you have anything to apologize for. Your inlaws, and your husband (to use the term VERY loosely), owe you a BIG apology. Several, in fact.
I'm glad mom2danjam posted what she did, it saves me the anger rush. I do agree with her.
Now, after I smoothed down the hackles and stopped the pacing and muttering about mama's boys and don't you threaten divorce unless you got the balls to go through with it, oooops. I feel the hackles going up again. deep breath. and again.
Okay. Now, I think the boy needs counseling to help him make the transition from little boy to grown up husband and father to his own child. You too, so the both of you get the same info.
You mentioned Catholic. Did the pre-marital classes address the in-laws issue? Can you see the person who did the pre-marital classes? Or talk to the (or a different one) priest? Some of them are pretty savvy re: human relations and setting boundaries.
At the very least, talk to your husband about how you want to be partners with him, co-parents of your child, the grownups in charge of your own home. Let him know that the idea of being siblings with him in the charge and care of his mother just sickens you, and that you see the two of you being pushed that way.
And find some other child care! That woman has way too much control in YOUR life and it's past time to take it back. YOU are the baby's mother, make sure his GRANDma knows it.
Disclaimer: this is advise based on MY take on YOUR situation. You know your husband and your situation best, please use your best judgment in deciding which (if any) of it to implement.
Good luck to you. I wish you, your husband and your sweet little baby the very best as you work through the challenges of growing together.
Hi I am going to differ from the other posters in what I will say.
You mentioned PPD. Are you under treatment for that? Medication and therapy? If you're not you should be. On the same topic, how long did your MIL care for your child when you were under PPD? Were you incapable of caring for your child and is that why MIL took over? Is there any reason your husband could not care for him and had to have his mother come over to help out?
The reason I ask is this: if your MIL spent alot of time and energy at the beginning, caring for your child, it's only natural that she should develop her own opinion on how it should be done. Of course it depends on how involved she was in taking care of him. While you are justified in feeling the way you do, her reaction may not be completely unnatural or unreasonable either. I am not saying that she SHOULD.. just saying that since we are all human, probably many of us would have reacted like that. So if you can find it in your heart.. let go of the resentment, and try and see the bright side of things. Which is: when you were not capable of taking care of your son, you had someone who was willing to do so, full-time. Everyone has faults.. and people WILL get on our nerves. That doesnt mean we need to harbor anger or resentment all the time. From what you have posted, I think that your MIL's lapses (giving you advice/bossing you around) can very well be forgiven and overlooked.
Next.. about the baptism. You wont like what I have to say. I think that your reaction was a tad extreme. Walking out with your child in the middle of the ceremony, with other people present and in a public place, is a rather extreme thing to do. One that indicates that you are probably still VERY depressed and prone to behaving in a rather unstable manner. What your FIL said was awful, really awful.. but any reasonable person would have proceeded with things and taken it up with him AFTER things were done, and tempers were calm. Reacting in the heat of the moment is NEVER a wise thing to do, and it leads to a mess like you're in now. In any case, it's done.. Your husband probably wasnt serious about saying that he wants a divorce.. he probably said it in the heat of the moment. Did you talk about it with him?
I would advise you to get marriage counselling here onwards. First you need to figure out how to set boundaries with your MIL.. If you are sick or in capable of taking care of your kid, your husband should NOT go running to his mommy for help. He should be taking charge, and if he had, from the beginning, a lot of this mess with your MIL could have been avoided. It's NEVER a good idea to let the in-laws into our personal business. taking care of your child is your personal business.. yours and your husband's. Your MIL should not have been so deeply involved in the first place. So now you and your husband need to learn how to detach his mother from your business WHILE maintaining a functional, reasonably happy relationship with her. She isnt a malicious person is she..? Then there is no reason why you can't have a working relationship with her, even if you dont PERSONALLY like her that much. Do you agree?
Secondly, you need to address some of your own issues in therapy. I suspect that your PPD is making you react so quickly and angrily. I think that once you are able to calm down, and become a happier person you will be able to see your in-laws for what they are worth..the good and the bad and not react to them.
I wanted to say this: have you visited the "Problem Solving for Couples" board... ? They have a really wise, mature and balanced collection of women there. They can give you very balanced and fair advice, which you might not get elsewhere on other boards. You might want to check it out, they might have some ideas of how you can bridge the divide with your husband.
How you care for your baby is really none of your MIL's business. As for the comments that your FIL made, there was no reason for that.
As far as what happened at the baptism and your husband threatening divorce, that is just ridiculous. He is going to threaten divorce over something his parents said and you reacted to? So he's taking their side. Nice.
As for them being "offended" by you only having your mom over for dinner and being "offended" at other things, that is their problem. It is childish of them to not speak to you because of it.
Hugs to you. You're going through a lot. I would also recommend counseling. It sounds like you and your husband need to set boundaries with his parents so that this doesn't continue to occur. I hope that he is willing to work on your relationship. Having a baby no doubt adds a lot of stress to things.
I think that any time a relative cares for a child, they can't seem to set the same boundaries as a parent. Your MIL may want to be more of a doting grandmother and less of a caregiver. It may be hard for her to draw the line. Is this her first grandchild? If so, then it may even be harder. If she is to continue watching him, then I think you really need to set boundaries and explain to her why you don't want him eating certain foods, etc. Also, as I'm sure you know through your job, a lot has changed in parenting since your husband was a kid. I don't recall anything about kids not eating peanuts or strawberries, for instance, but now there are tons of forbidden foods. Maybe she could read a parenting magazine if she is going to continue watching him.
Maybe you were wrong to walk out of the baptism, but FIL's comment was out of line. This was not about him, and he should have kept quiet. And I don't think that you were wrong to exclude your inlaws from dinner with your parents. I did the same thing last month and all hell broke loose afterwards. Mind you, I hadn't had a birthday dinner with both my parents in about 10 years or more. It was a nightmare just organizing it so they could be there. I was accosted about this on New Year's Eve dinner. Some people have no tact and don't know the appropriate time to voice their concerns or hurt. In-laws need to realize that they are not your parents, that you have a special relationship with them but also your parents, and that you should be able to have quality time alone with your parents. It's nothing against them, just that you don't see your parents often, and sometimes you just want to be with your parents!!!
Any man who would threaten divorce over this is no man. What about the insults his FATHER threw out there about HIS son? What about how his mother has belittled your parenting decisions? I mean, sure it was nice that she helped you out. But, that does not give her license to do whatever she wants.
I guess that doesn't matter to your mama's boy husband, though. The only thing that matters is his Mommy and Daddy. That, to me, is pathetic.
If my husband threatened to divorce me over his mother and father and their immaturity, I would tell him to not let the door hit him in the arse on the way out. (this is just ME, and I am not telling you what to do) And there is no way in heck I would allow my son to go where I am not welcome. My husband would have to pry the child out of my cold, dead hands. Because if your FIL would make snide remarks in front of your mother, he sure as heck won't be selective and careful about bashing you to your son. NO CHILD needs to hear his mother being run down. That is akin to child abuse.
I don't think you have anything to apologize for. Your inlaws, and your husband (to use the term VERY loosely), owe you a BIG apology. Several, in fact.
I'm glad mom2danjam posted what she did, it saves me the anger rush. I do agree with her.
Now, after I smoothed down the hackles and stopped the pacing and muttering about mama's boys and don't you threaten divorce unless you got the balls to go through with it, oooops. I feel the hackles going up again. deep breath. and again.
Okay. Now, I think the boy needs counseling to help him make the transition from little boy to grown up husband and father to his own child. You too, so the both of you get the same info.
You mentioned Catholic. Did the pre-marital classes address the in-laws issue? Can you see the person who did the pre-marital classes? Or talk to the (or a different one) priest? Some of them are pretty savvy re: human relations and setting boundaries.
At the very least, talk to your husband about how you want to be partners with him, co-parents of your child, the grownups in charge of your own home. Let him know that the idea of being siblings with him in the charge and care of his mother just sickens you, and that you see the two of you being pushed that way.
And find some other child care! That woman has way too much control in YOUR life and it's past time to take it back. YOU are the baby's mother, make sure his GRANDma knows it.
Disclaimer: this is advise based on MY take on YOUR situation. You know your husband and your situation best, please use your best judgment in deciding which (if any) of it to implement.
Good luck to you. I wish you, your husband and your sweet little baby the very best as you work through the challenges of growing together.
ilve2read
Hi
I am going to differ from the other posters in what I will say.
You mentioned PPD. Are you under treatment for that? Medication and therapy? If you're not you should be.
On the same topic, how long did your MIL care for your child when you were under PPD? Were you incapable of caring for your child and is that why MIL took over? Is there any reason your husband could not care for him and had to have his mother come over to help out?
The reason I ask is this: if your MIL spent alot of time and energy at the beginning, caring for your child, it's only natural that she should develop her own opinion on how it should be done. Of course it depends on how involved she was in taking care of him. While you are justified in feeling the way you do, her reaction may not be completely unnatural or unreasonable either. I am not saying that she SHOULD.. just saying that since we are all human, probably many of us would have reacted like that. So if you can find it in your heart.. let go of the resentment, and try and see the bright side of things. Which is: when you were not capable of taking care of your son, you had someone who was willing to do so, full-time. Everyone has faults.. and people WILL get on our nerves. That doesnt mean we need to harbor anger or resentment all the time. From what you have posted, I think that your MIL's lapses (giving you advice/bossing you around) can very well be forgiven and overlooked.
Next.. about the baptism. You wont like what I have to say. I think that your reaction was a tad extreme. Walking out with your child in the middle of the ceremony, with other people present and in a public place, is a rather extreme thing to do. One that indicates that you are probably still VERY depressed and prone to behaving in a rather unstable manner. What your FIL said was awful, really awful.. but any reasonable person would have proceeded with things and taken it up with him AFTER things were done, and tempers were calm. Reacting in the heat of the moment is NEVER a wise thing to do, and it leads to a mess like you're in now.
In any case, it's done.. Your husband probably wasnt serious about saying that he wants a divorce.. he probably said it in the heat of the moment. Did you talk about it with him?
I would advise you to get marriage counselling here onwards. First you need to figure out how to set boundaries with your MIL.. If you are sick or in capable of taking care of your kid, your husband should NOT go running to his mommy for help. He should be taking charge, and if he had, from the beginning, a lot of this mess with your MIL could have been avoided. It's NEVER a good idea to let the in-laws into our personal business. taking care of your child is your personal business.. yours and your husband's. Your MIL should not have been so deeply involved in the first place. So now you and your husband need to learn how to detach his mother from your business WHILE maintaining a functional, reasonably happy relationship with her. She isnt a malicious person is she..? Then there is no reason why you can't have a working relationship with her, even if you dont PERSONALLY like her that much. Do you agree?
Secondly, you need to address some of your own issues in therapy. I suspect that your PPD is making you react so quickly and angrily. I think that once you are able to calm down, and become a happier person you will be able to see your in-laws for what they are worth..the good and the bad and not react to them.
have you visited the "Problem Solving for Couples" board... ? They have a really wise, mature and balanced collection of women there. They can give you very balanced and fair advice, which you might not get elsewhere on other boards.
You might want to check it out, they might have some ideas of how you can bridge the divide with your husband.
Hi Amberdawn424, welcome!
How you care for your baby is really none of your MIL's business. As for the comments that your FIL made, there was no reason for that.
As far as what happened at the baptism and your husband threatening divorce, that is just ridiculous. He is going to threaten divorce over something his parents said and you reacted to? So he's taking their side. Nice.
As for them being "offended" by you only having your mom over for dinner and being "offended" at other things, that is their problem. It is childish of them to not speak to you because of it.
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Hugs to you. You're going through a lot. I would also recommend counseling. It sounds like you and your husband need to set boundaries with his parents so that this doesn't continue to occur. I hope that he is willing to work on your relationship. Having a baby no doubt adds a lot of stress to things.
I think that any time a relative cares for a child, they can't seem to set the same boundaries as a parent. Your MIL may want to be more of a doting grandmother and less of a caregiver. It may be hard for her to draw the line. Is this her first grandchild? If so, then it may even be harder. If she is to continue watching him, then I think you really need to set boundaries and explain to her why you don't want him eating certain foods, etc. Also, as I'm sure you know through your job, a lot has changed in parenting since your husband was a kid. I don't recall anything about kids not eating peanuts or strawberries, for instance, but now there are tons of forbidden foods. Maybe she could read a parenting magazine if she is going to continue watching him.
Maybe you were wrong to walk out of the baptism, but FIL's comment was out of line. This was not about him, and he should have kept quiet. And I don't think that you were wrong to exclude your inlaws from dinner with your parents. I did the same thing last month and all hell broke loose afterwards. Mind you, I hadn't had a birthday dinner with both my parents in about 10 years or more. It was a nightmare just organizing it so they could be there. I was accosted about this on New Year's Eve dinner. Some people have no tact and don't know the appropriate time to voice their concerns or hurt. In-laws need to realize that they are not your parents, that you have a special relationship with them but also your parents, and that you should be able to have quality time alone with your parents. It's nothing against them, just that you don't see your parents often, and sometimes you just want to be with your parents!!!
Anyway, take care.
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