Troubled after visit to in-laws...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Troubled after visit to in-laws...
6
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 4:02pm
My in-laws are far away, so we only see them once or twice a year, but we used to talk to them regularly on the phone. I had a work assignment in their city for several weeks, so my husband suggested I go stay with them, and he would join me later. I was a little hesitant, but since they've always been nice to me, and my MIL always bragged to people about how she loves me like "the daughter she never had" I figured there was no harm. Things went great for the first few weeks-they pampered me, showed me around their town, introduced me to their friends and extended family- but things turned weird after DH showed up. All of a sudden MIL who was so sweet started getting moody, occasionally snapping at people (including me), complaining that she didn't feel comfortable around certain members of my family, and kept raving to me about how great her other DIL and her sons were. (The other DIL is totally fake and is constantly kissing upto everyone, although noone except my friends and my parents seem to be able to see through it.) Some other bad things also happened while I was there- for example, my close family member passed away, and I was extremely ill for a week- but I really didn't feel they were there for me, which was a really painful thing for people who once told me they consider me like a "daughter". I realized MIL is really insecure and only likes people who make her feel good about herself and then I spend a lot of effort trying to please her (for my DH's sake), but it felt so fake due to all the resentment/anger.
I told my DH that some of this is bothering me, and many times he has stood up for me, but other times he feels that maybe I am being too sensitive. Plus he is close to his folks and I don't want him to feel bad so I keep some of it to myself. We have always had a wonderful, supportive relationship, but now I've started wondering, how does such a kind, caring guy come from a family like that? And what if one day he starts to become like MIL?
I'm so mad at myself. I think I made a huge mistake staying there. It probably would have been better for the relationship if I had stuck to our brief annual visits...at least I wouldn't be worrying so much.
Anyways, thanks for listening-I just had to vent.
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 4:21pm
I wouldn't stay over there ever again. Just keep your visits to a minimum if you do go. I think that you should talk to your Dh and tell him what happened and how it made you feel. Let him know that you understand that they are his parents, but they hurt you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 8:06pm

Hi Angel91074, welcome!

I agree with cl-mugalug. Don't stay over their house anymore and only go to their house when DH is with you. Also, I would keep the visits short and sweet, as well as few and far in between. Same for phone calls.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 5:05am

Its easy for someone to get moody around someone who has been around a while. Its frustrating to have someone staying with you. Even when it is your own family, or closest friends. I wouldnt take it as too much of a sign that she dislikes you. After all you did have several good weeks with them. And they welcomed you into their home, and showed you around. She prob still thinks of you as her daugher but everyone has their breaking points, and at that point sometimes things start getting taken out of context and what now. I think maybe some time and distnace can heal the wounds. But I would make sure to thank them for everything they did. Maybe sending MIL some flowers for letting you stay there. I know it may be hard to do when you feel like you do. But honestly it might patch things up. And in the future keep visits shorter. I dont think this has to be the end to what has always seemed like a good relationship.

Also, you mentioned you had a passing, some people just arnt good at assisting people in their grief.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 8:57pm
Bondgrl, thanks so much to you and everyone else for you advice...I took some of MIL's own advice that she had once given me - "killing with kindness" - and it seemed to work wonders. Yeah, I won't ever stay that long and not without DH, but absence does make the heart grow fonder, and few kind words go a long way with a personality like her's. Now she is raving about how much they miss me, etc. So I won't ever forget the lessons I learned about them, but at least her improved behavior has given me some temporary peace of mind...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 8:30am

I agree - lengthy visits are hard work for everyone, I'd chalk it up to that rather than anything bad about your relationship with them. Send them flowers, thank them, and don't stay so long next time. And I am sure she does love you like a daughter - her own daughter, staying that long, would probably annoy her just as much!

And do not worry about DH turning into MIL. Make sure you are always open and supportive and keep communication going with your DH and you won't have anything to worry about.

Kirsty

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 4:02pm
Sorry for you loss and sorry your mil didn't comfort you like a mother should!!!!! My story is way worse!!!!!!!!!