Fair to make DH choose MIL or me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Fair to make DH choose MIL or me?
22
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 7:07am
I need some advice and a listening ear so I can let off some steam. DH and I are in a sticky situation. My MIL's health isn't so good right now, and she should probably be living with someone, but I just cannot live with her. Our personalities conflict a whole lot, she's rude, and we were planning to move out of state around summertime. She still has my BIL and his wife, but his wife has had a lot of back problems, and it would be hard for her take care of MIL. I am gung ho on moving this summer, with or without my DH because I don't want to stay where we're at, and because I won't live with MIL. I know I might sound really selfish and I feel so guilty about this situation because it doesn't seem fair to DH either, but ahhhh!!!! DH's first wife lived with MIL and it was not a pretty situation(I actually sympathise a whole lot more with the ex.wife of my DH than with my MIL.) I am still young- mid-twenties, just starting my career, and there's no way in heck I'd have children while living with MIL probably because there's no way we could be having sex while living with MIL. How do I deal with this? I feel like I should help her out but I don't think that necessarily means living with her and sacrificing my own life. I feel like if it really comes down to it, DH and I might have to separate if he decides he should live with her. Any advice?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 7:46am
DH's choice should be you and your marriage since he chose to marry you. MIL could live in an assisted living situation. Your marriage and relationship with DH should take priority over MIL. I don't blame you for not wanting to live with her. In my opinion, that should never be an option unless both husband and wife are truly committed to caring for one or the other's parents in their home.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 10:10am

There are other options you might want to explore. It doesnt have to be a nursing home. There are many "retirement communities" that would still allow her to have her own "apartment" but operates kind of like a dormitiory with a "resturant" cafeteria where she wouldnt have to prepare her own meals. If taking medications is an issue they usually have a nurse on staff for an extra fee that can administer them. They also usually provide transportation to Dr.s appointments and what not. They're are also many activities and day trips that they can participate in. The place that we had my step-grandma at also had a salon, gift shop/convience news stand, and a desert shop. But it was in a suprevised setting, where there was someone to check on her everyday. Also she was able to develop friends. But she had the privacy of a studio apartment with an area for a bed, and small living room set up and a small kitchen that consisted of a fridge and coffee pot. (No stoves though)

Also if she is still comfortable in her house, you could consider the option of a live in care taker. With a salary comprable to a nanny. Unless she requires more assistance then a home health nurse might be an option.

If her health is that bad, then even the more traditional nursing home might be an option.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 1:44pm

My only advice will be to stay strong and be smart about this. If he has already messed up one marriage over this, you must brace yourself.

As a couple, you won't want to start anything that you won't be able to finish together, like a ten-year Country Club membership, or a baby.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 2:18pm
I agree with you, Fluffy, that a couple needs to decide together that they will take care of their parents, but if I tell DH that no matter what I refuse to live with his mom, I think it means we'll have to separate because his mom won't accept "hired help" nor will she consent to go to a nursing home or assisted living (and we don't have the money for that either.)
Sometimes I think it would be better had my DH and I not gotten married, and then he could just take care of his mom, which will probably happen anyway, and we could've avoided all of this drama. I love my DH but I have my limits and I just feel like this might be a problem that won't have a happy solution. His mom's dream come true would be to ship me, my SIL, and all of her grandkids off to some remote island and just live with her sons. I don't think she has anything against me personally but she just wants her sons to herself.
Anyway, I'm definitely being smart about this because although my DH has mentioned wanting children, I've said "no way, no how" until we've moved out of state and I have advanced a little in my career. I just don't know how I got myself into this situation!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 5:14pm
I know you want to help but take it from me (My MIL moved into our house 2 wks before we got married, mind you we NEVER had an issue before) that living with them is way to much to handle. There is always that power issue created b/t wife and husband mother. That will only create problems b/t you and your husband....... If you can avoid it anyway possible make other arrangements. I actually have a friend that almost got a divorce because she allowed the MIL into their home. It is a very difficult decision so think it wisely because once you say yes....there is no backing out of it. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 7:01pm
The problem is that my DH isn't really open to any other option because my MIL isn't well physically (because she doesn't take care of herself.) My DH doesn't think she'll go for a nursing home and doesn't want to force the issue with her (he doesn't like to force any issues, which has caused a whole lot of problems.) Anyway, I feel like a bad person or something because I can't live with her. She's older and needs help, but I just don't feel capable of being the one to give it to her, and my DH makes me feel selfish because of this. I definitely went into my marriage with my eyes half closed. Just to avoid the whole trauma of living with my MIL, I'm thinking of moving out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 11:46am
WOW.....you see there is an issue already and he hasn't moved in yet. There needs to be another solution than opting on moving out, just not sure what.
Maybe I can have MIL move in with your MIL and let them handle themselves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Fri, 01-26-2007 - 1:21pm

Your husband calls you "selfish" for not feeling capable of caring for *HIS* mother?

Where is he when she needs real, practical help? Is *HE* right there helping *HIS* mother? Or is he hiding out, all safe from "womanly strife" at work?

Sounds to me like him calling you selfish is really him trying to guilt you into taking on *HIS* burden without making *HIM* think about it too much.

I could be wrong, so don't do anything permanent based on *MY* words, but the above is what *I* get from your post.

Good luck, I do wish you the very best possible outcome!

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 12:04pm

Hi Cafelover, welcome!

Your DH's priorities should be you and the marriage, and not his mother. I understand his mother is not doing well, but you come FIRST. Have you discussed with your DH how you feel about all of this?

Maybe he can get someone to check up on her every day to make sure she eats and is taken care of instead of having her to come live with the two of you. If he decides to move in his mother even though he knows your feelings, then he has made his choice. Either you can accept that he thinks more of his mother than you or you can reconsider everything and know that you are worth more than to have a man who will choose his mother over you.








Follow me to:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 10:00am

Hi Junckfun,

I've been reading some of your posts about your MIL living with you. I would be very upset too if I were you, especially since you've told your husband what the problem is and he hasn't done anything about it. It's really a bad feeling when you marry someone whose family seems to take priority over you and your marriage-- and when you husband can't say anything to the contrary of what they say.
I agree that just up and leaving won't solve anything. I try to remember the words, "be firm!" Sometimes I get realy emotional about these things and then I can say things I regret or behave in ways I regret, but in my opinion, every family needs limits and firm limits and if someone is crossing over your boundaries, it's time to be firm.
My MIL has been living with us for a few days now, and although she hasn't been as bossy as she normally is, I can see that the longterm solution to her health problems aren't her living with us, because I don't feel comfortable and I need a home where I feel comfortable and free. I'm making preparations to move out of state and to keep pursuing my career, and I hope my DH chooses to come with me, but if he decides to stay here with his family, then so be it. Keep in contact! Maybe we can arrange for the two of them (our MILS) to live with each other and take care of each other :)

Pages