Vacation with FIL-- need some advice
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| Mon, 01-22-2007 - 6:24pm |
Hi Everyone,
I'm brand new to the forum. I'm having difficulty dealing with my FIL. Here's the abreviated back story:
FIL and I dont see eye to eye. I find him arrogant, controlling, and he has no sense of boundaries. DH and I used to live in a house FIL owned (the IL lived elsewhere) and FIL would come over randomly sometimes without knocking. When I moved out of that house after my DH left for the marine corps FIL and I got in a fight about what I was responsible for cleaning. He reprimanded me for involving DH in the argument.
Since I live in the same town, every time DH comes home for liberty, FIL imposes on our plans when he is not invited. Last month, he even came out to the bars after the wedding reception when he was not invited (He was the only relative to come out not to mention the only person over the age of 28).
All of this has been leading up to a very sour relationship that he seems completely unaware of. I've attempted to talk to him when he has intruded on us, but he is like arguing with a child. He doesnt listen, he will not compromise, and he'll never accept that he could ever be wrong. I cant stand to spend more than a few minutes with him. And even when he isnt there, I cant stop agonizing over his previous and future intrusions.
So here's the big problem. I find myself admist plans for the 3 of us (FIL, DH, and I) to go to Africa while my DH has leave from the Marine corps. I'm stuck because I want so badly to see the country with DH while he has precious leave time, but cannot bare to spend 2 weeks with his father (who will not give us ANY time away from him for dinner sightseeing, you name it). If I dont go, I'll always regret not going, and will blame FIL for my unwillingness to go. If I go, I'm pretty sure I will be miserable and will ruin DH's time because I wont beable to let it go.
I've been begging DH to find a fourth person to take up some of FIL's time, but so far no luck.
I guess I just dont understand why newlyweds should be in this situation?!
Any advice, coping strategies, etc. would be much appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
-M

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I'm sorry, I dont get this. Why is your FIL a part of your marriage like this? I dont understand WHY he has to come along on your vacation... fill me in?
you say that you dont understand why newlyweds should be in this situation.. uh... they SHOULDNT be in this situation. Newlyweds dont vacation with the FIL. Newlyweds try and GET AWAY from the FIL... I really dont understand why your situation is like this. Does your husband want him to come along? This is quite a bizzare situation. Who invited him in the first place?
If your husband is the one having him tag along, I would put my foot down ASAP. If that means you dont get to go.. dont go. But I wouldnt begin my marriage on this foot.. where it's you, hubby and FIL. It's a dysfunctional situation and wont get better unless you take proper steps. You and DH need to talk and come to an agreement on how to set boundaries with this FIL, otherwise you will find that there are three in this marriage.
Fill us in on the details and I can post more.
Just from what you've posted, either your husband doesn't get it that a marriage is between *TWO* spouses, and that you did not sign on for a three-way relationship or he's too scared of his father to tell him "no", or he's too scared to be alone with you (which is probably way off base!)
Counseling would be good, to help you and DH communicate better.
On the trip to Africa, try to let go of the "romantic" notions? Just enjoy the experience for itself? Like you are with a tour group, of three, and just make the best of it? Especially since your husband apparently sees nothing wrong with Daddy Dearest tagging along.
How does your husband react to gestures of affection around his Daddy? Does he seem to take them as normal and return them? Or does he repress himself when Daddy is there, and is more free when (if???) it's just the two of you?
Good luck! I do hope you and DH can work this out.
ilve2read
Sorry I didnt give more details in the first post, I didnt want to bog everyone down with a huge posting.
I think that DH understands the whole marriage = 2 people, but I think he hasnt learned how to say no to his dad. And sometimes he actually likes doing things with his dad.
Part of the trip is supposed to be a hunting trip (about 3-5 days of the 2 weeks). DH and FIL started thinking about this together the moment that they found out DH would have leave. Hunting is the one hobby that DH LOVES; I dont always understand the magnitude of the obsession, but I support him. Since he is in the service, he doesnt really get to go hunting. So a chance like this is just incredible for him. Because his dad is a control freak, Joel has ALWAYS gone hunting with him, and never really made a connection with another hunting buddy. So naturally (to them) a trip like this should include his dad.
To be honest, I would feel completely horrible if I made DH go on a major hunting trip without his dad (unless he had someone else going). However, 3-5 days of hunting does not make up 2 weeks of a trip and I dont think FIL should be hanging around with our every sightseeing trip.
At this point, MIL is now involved (she and I almost always see eye-to-eye). She has clarified that FIL's South African Friend will be accompanying us during the trip. Hopefully this will give FIL a distraction from us newly-weds, and let DH not feel guilty about leaving FIL behind while we go off and play. MIL has also warned FIL that DH and I will need some time alone. He of course says he knows this-- he just doesnt understand that his behavior is totally innapropriate.
To further exacerbate the issue, DH and I are currently living apart because of the service. And will probably not get a chance to live with each other until he is done his 3 more years and I finish my degree. Unfortunately the inlaws live in the same town as me-- so every time DH comes home there are huge demands on his time from his parents (specifically FIL). So I know from previous encounters that FIL has no concept of giving us space.
I would love to go to couples therapy, but there's no way DH and I could make it happen with the distance. Furthermore, I'm not sure DH understands that his father's parenting and intrusion is NOT normal.
I keep coming back to the thought that if I screwed up this trip for DH or that I just didnt go, I would never forgive myself if something happened to DH when he eventually gets sent to Iraq.
I suppose the overall emotion is GUILT!!!
Ah. Can you let go of expectations and enjoy what comes? With requests for "just you two" time, of course.
Guilt can be useful if a person is doing or contemplating something harmful or otherwise wrong, but when it rears it's ugly head at perfectly normal needs it becomes a hinderance.
I say go on this once in a lifetime (unless you are very lucky or very rich, that is) trip and enjoy it as much as you can.
Then when your husband is safely home with you, you can work on setting boundaries with FIL.
That's my take on it.
ilve2read
I think I have realized that I really dont have much of a GOOD solution-- so I really should just do the best I can. I suppose the worst thing that can happen is I totally flip out at FIL.... maybe if he thinks I'm crazy enough he wont want to hang out with us all the time??!?! Hehehe
Or better yet... Do you think there are any African laws about tying some juicy, lion-attracting steaks to your FIL while he goes hunting? Just kidding!
About the trip, you'll have to go and make the best of it, and try to enjoy it on your own as much as you can. And if you do blow up at FIL, go ahead and do so. It might give the husband of yours the little wake up call that he sorely needs and also give your FIL a message as well.
About long term solutions, you said that you think that your husband doesnt necessarily see eye to eye with you regarding how much of FIL you should have to endure in your marriage. I would first try and sort that out. If you both agree on what their role should be in their lives then setting boundaries will be an easy next step. You might want to talk to him on the trip when you are both in a good mood. Make it an objective strictly non-emotional discussion and try and agree on something.
If you find that he and you just dont agree on the "normal" level of in-law involvement then one of you has to give and basically just put up with it. Getting your MIL to push the FIL back is also a good idea and you should continue doing that as much as you can. This will probably be a slow process but will make things slightly better each time.
Or "accidentally" pushing him into a crocodile infested river? Hmmmmmmmm. ;o)
ilve2read
Anyone else have some in-laws that need an crocodile accident? Crocodile accidents are BOGO for the month of March.
I'm sorry-- this is just my weird sense of humor. It helps me cope with FIL's ridiculous behavior. I promise I wont push him in... can I rock the boat tho? Just a little? ;)
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