She sneaks in when we're gone
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| Wed, 01-24-2007 - 12:23am |
Ok, so I'll try to make this as brief as possible but still get out the main details so I can get some help from someone who might of had this problem before and tell me what in the heck to do ...
My BF and I have been living together for almost 6 years, no kids. My MIL and I always had a good relationship and would go to lunch, and play board games 2-3 times a month. She also lived one neighborhood over from us w/ the FIL, SIL, BIL, and their 2 kids.
About a year ago they purchased land out of state and sold their home here w/out having a new place set up for them all to move to. My BF asked if MIL and SIL's 2 kids could stay w/ us for a week while they fixed up a place for them all to move into about 45 min. away.
A week turned into a little over a month and my relationship w/ the MIL became strained to say the least. She did not clean, cook, or even offer to help w/ the added utility/food or household expenses that four extra people bring (especially since BF and I both work full time and our living expenses were fairly low). Although I must admit that she did purchase some snack food and hotdogs a couple of times, however I eat niether of those things. We just live different lifestyles ... flat out! She sleeps until at least noon, we wake up early and like to be out and about, but would have to watch the kids. I began to feel like my kindness was being taken advantage of ... but I tried to be understanding of the situation and respectful towards my BF's fam.
So of course she had a key, my BF had given it to her since we both leave pretty early and get home late in the evening. In the past I had a hide-a-key and from time to time we would ask her if she could check on our dogs while we were at work if one of them was sick or whatnot. Anyways, MIL finally moved out w/ the kids about 45 min. away w/ the rest of the IL's.
One day a couple months ago I wasn't feeling well and came home around 10 a.m. and when I came around the corner I saw her vehicle parked in my driveway. My jaw dropped. Then my eyeballs popped out when I saw her coming out the front door w/ curlers ... my curlers ... in her hair. Then it was her turn, she dropped her jaw when she saw me walking up and then very nonchalantly asked what I was doing. I blurted out that I was coming to MY HOUSE and asked her what she was doing. She said that she dropped FIL off at work this morning and she wanted to finish getting ready and then was just going to hang around until he got off of work ... and here's the kicker ... LIKE SHE NORMALLY DOES! Now, I'm not sure if it was the fever getting to me or my brain was about to overheat but I felt hot all over and there was an extremely long awkward pause and she left very quickly. I found that she had my hair products strewn about the bathroom ... which btw I keep in my underware drawer in my bedroom.
So basically MIL and FIL have been coming to our home with the kids when we are gone at work to take showers (gross!!!), eat my food, watch my tv, crank down the a/c and just relax before, during and after work. WTH? And for months I had been gripping to BF for eating the dinner I prepared ahead of time, using all the towels, using and moving my hair gels and other random things. So my BF didn't know what MIL and FIL were up to either. I was shocked. I tried not to let it get me really upset but the more I think about the more I think I have a right to be upset. It's just really wierd. We never go to her home w/out being invited, especially when she's not there unless she asked us to check on something while she was out of town or whatever.
I have been racking my brain for the past couple of months on how to handle this situation and how to get my damn key back w/ out just flat out ruining our relationship ... which is pretty nonexistant at this point ... I thought maybe she got the hint and wouldn't do it anymore. I haven't noticed things out of place anymore. I also do not want to upset my BF, I respect that she is his mom and he tried to be very considerate of my private time when they stayed w/ us tried to help enforce some sort of rules for them in our home.
Then, two days ago, I come home from work and there is MIL sitting on the couch w/ my BF. BF had planned on going fishing after work w/ his friends and when I asked w/ happened she says that her and FIL slept in got a late start off for SAM's and he had to go to work for a couple of hours so she dropped him off, rather than driving 45 min to the boondocks home and decided she would wait for him at our home. I was pretty short w/ her when she tried to talk w/ me. She asked me what was wrong, I halfway told the truth when I responded w/ I've had a stressful day and just wanted to relax. I am upset the my BF cancelled his fishing trip b/c his mom called and said she was going to our house and he knew how I'd react if I had come home again to find her there hangin out.
I'm sick of feeling like I have to check every item in my home before I leave and when I get home all w/ out my BF knowing that MIL is on my last nerve. Talk about being stuck between a rock and hard place. Has anybody else been in a similar situation? If so, help me out here!

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Does your boyfriend *KNOW* that his mother is using your home as a flophouse?
If not, then you need to talk to him about it. Seriously. Why would you feel you cannot trust him to stand beside you, after six years together? If you are going to continue a relationship with this man, you need to stop "protecting" him from the truth, not just about his mommy, but anytime there is an issue that affects your feelings for him and/or his family of origin. Give him a chance to stand beside the woman he chose, and face the world together.
If he does know and is okay with it, let him know just how much it bothers you, having his mother going through your undies and Lord only knows what else, and that you want him to work *with* you to put a stop to it.
Then change the locks on YOUR HOME and if bf objects, he doesn't get a key either! He can go flop with his mommy!
If your boyfriend thinks it okay for his mother to hang out there *KNOWING* it bothers you so much, then the whole relationship needs re-considering.
One more thing, your bf cancelled his fishing trip so that you would not have to be alone with his mother. He did it for you, is how it looks to me. Find a calm time and talk to him about the situation. Ask him if he knew what his relatives were doing and ask him to work with you. Avoid any "attacking his mommy" words, offer sympathetic agreement without joining in if he starts expressing anger or resentment about it. Let him own those feelings, it'll keep him on track. And remember to thank him for sheltering you as much as he did from the stresses of them staying with you and when he cancelled his fishing trip.
You know your situation and bf, if any of the above is useful to you, Wonderful! If not, well, that was my take on the info given.
Either way, I wish you and bf the very best.
ilve2read
Chrissy
glad to hear your doing better
Sam
"But what reason do I give to BF for doing so? I can't exactly tell him it's to keep inconsiderate MIL out. I could but then when MIL finds out and asks BF ... and she will ask, BF will tell her I did it to keep her out."
SO what? Your BF doesnt realize that your home is not to be used as a hotel? He doesnt feel even slightly violated? If he doesnt then I'd have a good talk with him. You seem to be worried about your bf a little too much. You are NOT in the wrong here. Your MIL is a freak! Who does this sort of thing?
Take a stand and dont be afraid to be honest with your BF or his mother. I'd follow the advice the others gave: dont insult her, or be rude or angry. But after you change the locks, if she asks you must tell her that it's YOUR house and you dont like having people come in and go as they please. If your BF objects to this, I'd seriously reconsider the relationship. A relationship isnt merely playing house with one another.. it's about really committing to each other, thick and thin. And if your BF is too scared to assert himself with his mother then maybe he isnt ready to be committed to you either.
When his mother told him she was going to your house, instead of cancelling his trip your BF should have told her not to go, and that HE doesnt want her there because it's both of your place now and you need your privacy. Instead he cancels his trip and tries to placate both of you!! He needs to grow a bit of a spine.
Stay,
The old adage says (spoken by Eleanor Roosevelt): "People will take advantage of you if you give them permission."
Change the locks and don't hand out any keys.
And, you need to tell you boyfriend's mother she's not to show up unannounced. There's no dancing around this one. She's taking advantage of you and she knows it. Time to stand up for yourself and it's time to see if your boyfriend can put your first. If he can't, then I'd think about whether I'd stay with him for the long term. I certainly wouldn't marry him if he can't tell Momma to mind her own business.
Good luck.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I just wanted to thank you all for your words of wisdom ... it helped to get an outsiders point of view to help solidify my feelings, express my feeling in words, and come up w/ a plan of action.
To answer your questions: MIL had been keeping her day excursions to our home from my BF also. When he found out about MIL and FIL coming and taking showers and washing clothes and whatever else (the day I busted her w/ my curlers a couple months ago) he had told her that they didn't need to be there w/out us and told MIL she needed to call him if she wanted to come over. Which I guess the sneaking in came about. But then the other day she let it slip at lunch that she had been to our house recently and I knew that neither one of us had known she was there. So I brought it up to my BF and I just flat out told him that she needs to stop letting herself in to our house and she should have never started this in the first place and should have definetly stopped when he told her to, so we need to change the locks because she has abused her key privileges. He agrees, I mean who in there right mind wants their mom seeing some of the stuff a young couple like us leaves laying around the house? What my home looks like when we have company over vs. when I'm not expecting anyone is like night and day. MIL is just disregarding our privacy ... flat out. So we're changing the locks this weekend. If she finds away around that, the last time I checked, you can still be arrested for trespassing.
MIL's behavoir is probably one of the strangest thing I've had to deal with. In retrospect the solution is super simple, but the whole situation took me totally off guard it took me a bit to sort everything out in my brain. Thanks again for the advice, if she asks about the key not working anymore I'll let ya'll know!
Edited 1/25/2007 5:32 pm ET by stayouttamyhouse
Edited 1/25/2007 5:33 pm ET by stayouttamyhouse
Huzzah! First for BF being solidly in your corner and second for his willingness to stand firm against her!
As long as it's the two of you against whatever comes up, you'll be fine!
Yes, let us know what happens when she tries to sneak in next time.
ilve2read
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