Ruin my wedding, why don't you?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2006
Ruin my wedding, why don't you?!
6
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 4:50pm

My fiance and I have been engaged for four months. We had planned on getting married in California, on the beach, with just our immediate family's there to witness. Three months ago, we called each of his sisters and his mom to make sure that the date we had set was okay, and that they were okay with going to La Jolla for the wedding. They all told us that it was okay with them, not a problem. So, of course I make plans for a photographer, hotel reservations, buy a dress, etc. Yesterday morning, yes 3 months before we're supposed to get married, his mom and his sister call my fiance and tell him that it would be so much better for them if we got married here in town and that it's really going to be an inconvenience for them. I think, not realizing that my parents have put money down on vendors and that I have spent the past four months researching places, getting bids, etc, he told his mother and sister that that was okay and that he and I just wanted to get married and that we didn't care where. I am so hurt by these people. They had three months to tell us that they were not okay with the plans, but they wait until now to do so (after we called and asked on several occassions). My fiance is stuck in the middle now. He is too much of a mama's boy to say something to his family, but now I'm upset. I don't want to be mad at him, but now, three months before I'm supposed to be getting married I have to cancel everything and start all over again. I don't know what to do - I'm to the point where I don't even want to get married anymore. Too bad I have a beautiful 1,000 dress on order for me. I have a feeling that no matter what we decide, they will want us to do something different.

P.S. - we wanted to go away and have a small wedding, so we could pocket the remainder of the cash my parents were going to spend. If we have a big wedding here (which is what they want) we will use all of the money my parents alloted us, plus some (I'm assuming out of our pockets because the FIL's haven't offered up anything)

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:08pm
I would talk to your Df and tell him this is not cool. Remind him that this is your wedding and that money has already be spent and cannot be refunded. Yeah that may be a lie (depending on the contract) but he doesn't need to know that. Remind him that you had called them four months ago and that they had no problems with the date and location, and have been asked several time since then and they were still fine with it. He needs to tell them that you are having the wedding where you want and if they can't attend then that is too bad. This needs to be resolved before the wedding. Personally, I would keep planning it for where you want. I also think that pre-marital counseling is needed.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 5:36pm

" I'm to the point where I don't even want to get married anymore. "

And I dont blame you. Are you sure you want to be married to this man? I'm sorry but a man who can't take a stand against his mother for his own WEDDING will not have your back anytime, anywhere. Sorry. Your fiance is totally out of line. It was not his decision to make to change the wedding location like this. He should have spoken to you about it, to your parents and offered to reimburse your parents for their loss AFTER you agreed to change the location.

I strongly suggest that you rethink this wedding. If you dont resolve your unhappiness and agree on how he is to act with his family, you are in for many years of unhappiness. I think that many women on this board will attest to that. Your fiance sounds a tad too immature and spineless, and these are not the ingredients for a happy marriage. I am not one to call men "mama's boy" but I can;t think of any scenario where it would be more appropriate.

You should postpone the wedding and go to pre-marital counselling ASAP. Please keep us updated, and please dont take this incident lightly. It is a pre-cursor of what is to come, and that doesnt look pretty.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 01-24-2007 - 6:13pm

Woah woah woah!! You do not have a problem at all with your soon to be In-Laws. You have a huge monsterous problem with your fiance. I think you need to acknowledge and understand that a man is NOT EVER in the "middle". He is always on the side of his wife. Period. If you've got him saying he's in the middle you don't have a man, and anything other than a man makes for one lousy husband.


If you agree and cancel your plans that you have for your wedding it will be the same as you waving a white flag to their whims and demands. Prepare to bend over, cause you'll be volunteering to get screwed for the rest of your life. Notice the word volunteer. It is not by accident that I use that word. If you marry him you are volunteering to be in this situation. FOREVER! If a mammas boy who won't stand up for himself and his bride isn't what you want in a husband, you can not marry this guy and then forever complain and punish him for being exactly what you signed up for.


I've got an analogy for you, that every woman should adhere to.


You decide you want a pet. Something cute and cuddly that will curl up in your lap. So you go out and get yourself an alligator. Now, you can not be upset and mad and hurt and nag that your alligator isn't cuddly and it isn't curling up in your lap. KWIM?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 4:20am

My opinion on your situation is that your future IL's are extremely rude and inconsiderate for creating this tension and also your Fiance is totally wrong for not telling the family what is right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 10:41am

This sounds almost exactly what I went through several months ago (for a wedding that happened a month ago). My DH and I are still kinda young (24 & 25), so parents can still appear to have a big role in our lives-- it is a huge transition for some.

First thing, I was a little unclear about your fiance. Remember he's new at being a hubby. So he may not know exactly how to deal with 2 important women in his life. You both should sit down and talk about what you both want the wedding to be like (in an ideal world). He's gotta have some idea (even if it is a keggar in a barn which I politely told mine, "No way in Hell!!")

Once you are both on the same page, the battle will be easier. Frankly, if your parents are paying for it, then guess who gets to make the decisions!!! You... and your parents (if you let them). But you should definitely consider everyone's feelings. If you are comfortable, let them make some decisions about things you really dont care about. for example-- I let my MIL be in charge of the flowers and some of the decorations for the reception. I think she really appreciated having a role in the planning, even if it was only a little bit.

My DH and I wanted to get married on a beach in Hawaii in December (once again, because of the Marine Corps leave schedule). This was "terribly inconvenient" for FIL. So we said, "oh, that is a shame, I guess we'll just have the 2 of us." We never gave an option for moving the wedding to where he wanted. As a compromise, we decided to have a reception back at home and played the video of the wedding on a projection screen.

Basically, the wedding is between you and your fiance. Everyone else should consider themselves lucky to be invited. Dont compromise on things that are important to you, because I found that THEY dont want to compromise.... they want only what they want. Most importantly, your DF's parents already had their wedding to plan and have where they want.

No marriage is perfect... it is certainly a challenge, but being a united front is a must.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2006
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 10:36pm
Curious...what have you said to him since then? Have you said that it's not his decision to make, it's "ours"? And reminded him of all the money you'll lose? And that you cleared it months ago? And does he realize how dumb that was to say that to them? You do NOT have to give in to this, and you SHOULDN'T. Please update us...