mil & 2 sil HATE ME am i wrong???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2007
mil & 2 sil HATE ME am i wrong???
4
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 3:48pm

ALL THIS STARTED WITH A STUPID EMAIL!!! HELP ME PLEASE, I NEED ADVICE!!!

To begin I am 25 and my Fiance is 39. He is half Italian and he has two sisters and two parents who are still married. His parents have more money then mine. They are controlling and protective. They do not drink alcohol, and they seem to have a harsh eye at times.

In my family my parents divorced and have been married several times since. My parents are like 5 and 6 years older then my fiance. They are very down to earth humble people. They like to have fun and drink. My parents are not rich, they are not poor either.
I do not agree with divorce. It's very embarrassing to me that they have been divorced.

We met in January of 2006 & have been together everyday since. We moved in together March of 2006 and have been living very happily ever since. He asked my hand in marriage in Aug 2006. I said yes and a June wedding is in planning. Now yes this has all happened very fast, but his parents and my parents say they have never seen us so happy. We feel the same way. After all by the time we are married we will have been together a year and a half. We live together and are not together only when he is at work. I work at our home, and out of home one day a week. We do know eachother and some of my family has known his, even before we met. It was fate!!

So when we got engaged my fiance called his sister that lives out of state to tell her the news and she hung up the phone on him. Didn't speak to him till the next day. We didnt make a big deal of it and everyone else was happy as we are also so we left it alone.

Now as far as where this all went wrong I am very hurt and don't understand why my in laws are doing this to us.

HERES THE STORY:

We wanted to go away and get married in Fiji. Then decided it wouldnt be right to us in GODS eyes to mary outside the church. I started taking catholic baptism classes. I am becoming catholic before this wedding starts. My fiance even comes with me to every class. We go to church every Sunday as well. We said we will have a 200 person wedding here and in the church instead of going away. We did not want a big wedding. We did not want a wedding shower. We did not want china.

Then my family offered to pay part of the shower. Which my family has come up with ideas. But they don't insist. His mother said she would "help". She has been ordering us to do things the whole time and has paid for the centerpieces, but wants to plan everything else and isn't paying. My family should be doing the planning. She isn't giving them a chance, she is doing it all herself. I wanted help not someone ordering us around. So my Fiancee told her to lay off and so on but doesnt say exactly what he should. Because she continues to act like this.

Then it comes to the invitations. MIL wanted us to make them, none of us have the time!!! I said no I am ordering them. I was throwing ideas out and I said I liked how my mom and his sister(HOUR AWAY SISTER) write and said they should address the shower invitations, or we could do labels. Well then it was mentioned by his sister in a email to me to just do labels which is what i wanted to do because it looks nicer. I showed mil the email my sil wrote and it said how she would help me with everything but thought we should do labels also. My fil and fiance were right there to hear the email being read to the mil. A few days later his mom told me, didnt ask me, but told me that his sister was writing the invitations and I said no I am doing the labels. That was the end of it. I thought!!!

We met to talk that next sunday about the meal for the shower and other shower things. She said only two games no you cannot have three. You have to have this salad and you cannot get that one. Just would not agree on anything we wanted. So we gave her her way. My fiance didn't stick up for us. Maybe a little but he didn't say what was needed to be said.

So I keep my distance from mil and then get an email from the sis that lives an hour away heres what she says:

Bride & Groom,

Here is mom's list. She is still waiting for John's girlfriend Shelly's
last name & address, so that is the only one you need (I highlighted
her name in yellow on the guest list). Give her a couple days to get the
address. Call mom with any questions.

By the way, I just wanted to clear something up...Heather, I never said
that I wouldn't help you with addressing the invitations. I told you
that it would be much easier & neater if you made labels on the computer
verses writing out each address individually. Maybe there was a
misunderstanding somewhere, but I didn't appreciate you telling my mom that I
said I wouldn't help you. If anything, I offered to help with whatever
you needed.

hour away sister so and so

Alright so how should we take that? To me i think the mother was mad because things aren't exactly going her way. I was very hurt and couldnt believe this was said.
I responded this:

Dear So and So,

I never said that you wouldn't help me!!!!!

Your one of the few that has offered.

I don't know what the problem is, or why she said that....

I told your mother that you offered to help me and you also told me that Florence does calligraphy.

I told your mom that my mom was doing labels from the computer.

I would rather do labels and she said no I thought Jen was going to do them.

I just said i didn't want to bother you because i know your busy, and it looks nicer to do labels.

I don't know why it was turned around like that.

I'm just doing what Frank and I want from now on.

The pushy opinions have to stop.

I do want help, but not someone ordering me to do things.

Your mom wants everything her way.

And she isn't going about it very nicely.

Sorry if this offends you but it's true. Ask Your Brother.

If we wanted a ceaser salad she says no get another salad...

or no not white table cloths & napkins get colored napkins & tablecloths (these are more $$$$$$$)

and your wedding has to start at 6-1am not 6-midnight. (more time and more $$$$$$$)

I would rather save on little things and spend stuff on things that really matter.
I told her how many people were on the shower list as she handed me maybe 20 more people, then she said I had to go over My list and revise it.

SIL, I havent even invited any friends except the three who are in the wedding. Because we can only afford a few hundred people for the wedding. We didn't want to get crazy with the list. If we had the money then yes. We don't though. We got a loan for $20,000 for the wedding and all the money is gone. We used it for deposits & household bills. I did tell her this too.

It's getting a bit ridiculous.

This should be fun for us and it's becoming a problem.

She may mean well by all of this but it's not nice.

Now im mad.

HER RESPONSE WAS THIS:

If that's how you guys feel you should talk to my mom about it. It's not that she's trying to be bossy or mean, she's trying to make sure everything is perfect for you guys!!!! My mom is a perfectionist and she's passed along that trait to me as well. She's used to how everything was at my wedding/showers and she's probably in that same mode. She's not a mind reader...if you guys aren't happy, say something. But, I would chose my words carefully because you could send the wrong message.

THEN MINE WAS:

Yes i am a perfectionist too. I know my limits though. I hope you understand. Thanks for the advice.

Wow right!!!!
So the nnext day I missed a lady's get together with his all the women in his family because of all the drama. He called his aunt for me and told them I wouldnt be there because i wasn't feeling good. Why would I go when I get nasty emails and I'm sure there was talking behind my back between the mother and the sisters. Who knows who else!!!!

Instead I went out with my matron of honor. We met with her sil & she brought her friend who is friends with my sil (the one who lives hour away).

The friend of my sil kept asking me how I get along with his family and Italian mil's are hard to get a long with. I just said that we get along great and I love them like my own family!!!!

Through out the night these girls were making fun of people, talking like pigs, embarrassed me & themselves, showed off fake boobs, i have this and that, my husband this and that, complained of being too skinny, talked about eachother, my fur coat this and that, and flirted and talked with men when these women are all married and had their husbands and kids at home. The matron of honor was not like this though. I talked to two guys who worked for me for less then 5 minutes. The rest of the time i was by myself. I called my fiance to pick me up. My friend wouldnt drive me home. Then my sil's friend who i had only met a few hours before was trying to take my cell phone out of my hands when i was talking to my fiance to pick me up. When she found out she said o tell him to come in and get you i want to see him. She said it over ten times. My matron of honor even heard her. I said no he's not coming in in his pj's and he was doesnt like bars like this. She continued to say o have him come in. I was insulted that she was disrespecting me. If it were her husband ould she like me saying that???? So I said to her what do you want to f@#$ him or something???? When he was there to pick me up i said good bye to by mocking the stupid girls by saying my husbands here to pick me up in my mercedes and i am going home to try on my mink coat!!!! I was irrate with the nit wits!!!

This all got back to my future sil, and also that i was flirting with other men. Now my sil starts saying to my fiancee that I am a bitch to get me out of his house and I am just using him. She never asked me my side of the story!!! Using him for what we have no money!!! He knows everything because I am honest and I told him just what happened, he would of done the same he said. I had him pick me up I wanted to leave!!!!!He told his sister he already knew everything and to mind her own business.

Now she keeps picking apart the email and mentioning things in it adding fuel to the fire. She is starting arguments and i havent responded. My fiancee responded to his email to her saying mind your own business and grow up. We just wanted advice and my fiance and i sent the letter to see what she thought since she had her wedding a few years ago. They are blaming me for everything!!!!

The sister out of state is involved now because the other sis showed her the email. It seemed she never liked me anyways. She hangs up the phone on her own brother when he tells her we are getting married come on!!! Also she runs and tells my mil that I have a picture of my engagement ring on my myspace page, and for occupation on my myspace page it says princess. Whats the big deal? I cannot have any fun? My profile is not public. Only people I add as friends can view it!!! Why does she Care??????

With all this out in the open the actual problem turned out to be a lie by some one who isnt admitting it!!! The lie was the mil said to the sil that i said the sil wasnt helping me. So who is lying???? No answers from them, nobody said it!!!! All this is now turned around on me because i wrote a letter asking advice and telling the truth. I was just looking for advice from a sil i look up too!! I prob never would of wrote that if she didnt tell me she didnt appreciate me telling her mother she wasnt helping me. I said she was helping and even read the mil a email from sil which email said she would help .

So, MIL read the email and wants a meeting with me and fiancee, and she said we might have to elope if this doesnt get resolved. She said were not going to break up the family and fight! Or else, she and her family arent going to come to the wedding. We wanted advice and mil thinks I was just talking behind her back and her daughter is sticking up for her!!!!! Have a meeting for what??? Mil is now saying the whole time she was trying to save us $$$, which really isn't what she was doing. The price of our shower went from $3,000 to 6,000 dollars. How is that saving $$. Basically the things i wrote werent true! My fiance knows it and i do.

There is soooooooooooooooo much more I could say that is happening but i cant anymore. My brain hurts literally and i have been crying for a week!!!!! I dont know what to do!!!!! Fil is on our side and so is his father. My family never has drama. Fiance's family fights with eachother constantly!!!!

Why should i have a meeting when they think i was writing letters to just talk about people. It should be about them and why they are making lies up!!! Oh but according to mil she didn't even say what sil told me!!!! I think she just may want to fight! I dont want confrontation its not who i am.
WHAT SHOULD WE DO? WHAT DO YOU THINK THE PROBLEM IS, AND WHO IS THE PROBLEM???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 6:40pm

Well be thankful that your fiance is being your man and standing by your side and not with the looneys.


If I were you, I would go with my fiance and have the meeting. I would plaster on a smile and be sweet and charming and make her look like a raving lunatic. I would hear her out, I would nicely state the false reports, and

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Thu, 01-25-2007 - 6:51pm

First of all lots of luck to you I just got divorce from an Italian family ( he was part Italin) and before the wedding should have been my sign 2 get the F OUT for he never did anything for me but I disgress

I would tell your man to get in there and start standing up for you and let him know that you do not appriecate being pushed around and you would like to have his support and would like for him to be there to help you communicate better with his family if he doesnt show you support tell him he better or you 2 can get married like never !

HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 01-27-2007 - 7:36pm

Hi Heatherlee143, welcome!

If it were me, I would stay FAR away from your ILs. They sound like nothing but troublemakers and drama queens. Your fiance knows the real story, even though your SILs are trying to convince him otherwise. Your MIL is being VERY manipulative and controlling, especially for someone who isn't contributing a dime to the wedding.

I wouldn't e-mail anyone or tell anyone anymore but your family about the bridal shower, invitations, etc. I would tell your fiance to tell his family to BUTT OUT of your wedding plans. Invite them to the bridal shower if you want and you can invite them to the wedding, too, if you want. I know at some point in your post that your MIL mentions that they don't have to come to the wedding --- good riddance if they don't show up. I have a feeling that your wedding day will be a lot better if they aren't there, since I'm sure that they would find some sort of trouble to start.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:06pm
I wish you the best of luck in all this. I hope that you have discovered that there are some things we must never put into writing (letters, e-mails). Even if they are true. If someone is pushy, rude... never put those words in writing. They will never fade away now. When you are 80, everyone will still remember that you used the word pushy on January such and such in the year 2007.