should I stay or leave

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
should I stay or leave
6
Sun, 01-28-2007 - 11:10pm
I have a situation that started out bad and has gotten worse. My MIL hates me and does not want me at her house (ever). The wife insists that they babysit our two children during the day and I am not to be over there this drives me crazy enough because i think holding my kids form me is wrong. Then things get worse. My wife has come down with colitis and breast cancer. She is stressed by the situation becasue she needs to have more support and wants her parents to help but also knows that leaves me at home alone. I finally called the MIL and asked to talk to her about the situation. I suggested that we suck it up and do whatever is needed to support her daughter and my wife and if it meant the MIL coming to our house or me going to her house we do it. Her reply was that she would not be a hypocrite and that I needed to change my ways and treat my wife better. She never stated what I needed to do to treat her better. When I talked to my wife about the situation she moreless agreed with her parents that I should be alonewhile she spends time with the kids over at her parents recouping. I do not want to live with anyone who would not want me to be with her or my kids ( I have never abused my wife or kids). Here is the question should I stay around and do as she asks until the situation with the Cancer is over and look good or be honest with her that I feel betrayed and do not want to live with someone who doesnt want me and leave?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:51pm

That's a tough one! I'm so sorry to hear you are having this problem, and very sorry to hear about your wife's illness. That must be adding an increase of stress to this whole situation. You may wish to be very careful about making any really big decisions at a time that is so stressful for everyone. I am glad that you posted here, it tells me that you are giving this a lot of thought, taking your time.

If you are feeling betrayed by your wife's desertion, then you can probably find an appropriate time to have a talk with her about that. It is not absolutely necessary that this talk be about both the betrayal and a divorce, is it? Perhaps you can deal with one piece/issue at a time, and that will be another way to insure that you are not moving too fast at a time when many of you may find it hard to think really clearly. Take good care of yourself, your family needs you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:57am
I think that you need to put your foot down on this. Your wife and her parents are keeping you kids from you. That is wrong. I think that you should find someone else to watch your kids during the day. Someone who won't keep them from you. You mil has no legal rights to your kids. She can't keep them from you. Do you know why you wife is refusing to stand up to her mother? So what that Mommy doesn't like you. That is her problem not your wife's. She chose to marry you and should be standing by you not by mommy. I am sorry to hear that she is sick, but she should be recovering at home, not at mommy's. She is acting like a little girl by only doing what mommy wants, and staying over there while she is getting better. You have two choices here. One walk away from your wife and children and only get to see them on the weekends, or two, fight for your family. You and your wife need some counseling. You need to get to the bottom of why she feels that she still has to listen to mommy, even at the sake of her children's well being, happiness, and at the sake of your marriage. When she married you she was to forsake all others. Mommy included.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 7:30pm

Hi Knightlight, welcome!

Has she said why she chooses to recover from her illnesses at her mother's house instead of being home with you? Is there something that is bothering her about the marriage?

I don't understand how your MIL can prevent you from seeing your kids. Also, I can't believe that your wife is taking her mother's side over you, and that you should just sit home alone while she recovers at her mother's house.

I am sorry that she is sick, but maybe it is time to have a serious talk with her and find out exactly what is going on. If things don't change, you might want to reconsider this marriage, since she is over her mommy's house with the kids and you are home all alone. If she is going to continue that, you could be single again, know what I mean? Is she expecting you to sit home and wait for her? Again, I understand she is sick, but I think she and the kids belong at home with you. Or if she wants to be at her mother's, why can't you move in there? MIL won't allow it? I don't get it. You would think MIL would want her daughter to be as comfortable as possible, even if it means allowing you to come over, despite whatever issues you and MIL may have had in the past.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:27pm

One thing jumped out immediately -- Are you at all concerned or worried that your wife has cancer and may die? What stage is it? Colitis and cancer sounds like a deadly combination. What are your thoughts on this?

Why does your MIL think that you treat your wife poorly? What is it that they dont like in your behavior towards your wife? Do you agree with them? Why do you think that your wife insists on her mother looking after your children and not you? IF you are at home, I dont see why your children should have to go to your MIL's unless, she doesnt trust you to be a good care-giver.

It would seem that your wife agrees with her mother and probably does not trust you to look after her best interests. Before shifting the blame on your wife and her mother, maybe you should take a look inside and see what have done that has caused them to not trust you with the well-being of your wife and children.

I think that this is less of an in-law issue and more of an issue within your marriage. A serious issue at that, nothing trivial. From what you have posted, and the fact that you are actually considering leaving your wife when she has cancer I get the impression that you dont really love her or care for her. Because, the first reaction of a loving husband whose wife has cancer, is to be soliticious to her.. and figure out why she is spurning you, not to debate on whether to leave her.

Sorry if I am completely off-base. I think that it's important for us to know the complete situation on your marriage before offering any advice... hence the questions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:52pm
Thanks for the input. Obviously it is not a simple problem with the inlaws but it manifests itself there. I will give some background which should help. First off We haev been married for 4 yrs. I am 44 and my wife is 42 which means she was 38 when we married nad we had our first child 10 months later. My wife has never been married I was married previously for 14 yrs and have two older children. We met online thru an account that my wife set up for her. they are best friends and the wife talks to her mother daily. When we decieded to marry the wifes family moved to our town ( two months before the wedding. The reason things are coming to a head now is because although I have been outed from the inlaws good graces due to the wifes complaining to her mother she had indicated that she realized she shouldnt use her as a sounding board because a mother will not be as objective as a friend. Now to the recent. When the wife came down with her problems I told her to do what she needed to do ( go to her moms if she felt more comfortable there) she spent part of the time there and some here but suddenly the inlaws went from coexisting (live and leave alone) to openly hostile and calling the police when I tried to talk to them. In the course of events I find that the wife has been lieing to her mother when her mother asked her why she wasnt staying with her 100 percent and they believe I have been forcing her to do things she doesnt want to do ( making her stay with me instead of them)which makes it understandaboe why they believe it. This is solid proof to me that she has never stood by me and that when her mother has bad talked me it was becasue my wife had given her the information.Yes I am very concerned for my wife ( and marriage but I am having a hard time being loving and caring when I do see her because I cannot let it go when I am at home alone without my family. That is why i am wonderng if I would do us both a favor if I wasnt here at this time. Maybe I should take a few weeks vacation or something I dont know that is why I am asking. As for trusting me with the kids I had the kids Monday this week as they were sick and she wanted to go to work. Today she said it was her turn to care for the kids and she wanted to take them to her parents. Her parent are the only babysitters she allows to watch the children. I have never(NEVER) hit my wife or my kids (both wives and all four children) (besides a spank swat when necessary and never leaving a mark, more a sign of disaproval of behavior than punishment). My transgressions are not treating her right but she doesnt say any specifics when asking what I should do. Thanks again the more support and input the better. ( sorry so long)
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 1:40pm

Generally speaking, a wife makes a big mistake when she complains to her mother about her husband. You know this. I am sorry your wife doesn't seem to understand, or doesn't care. If she won't tell you what she is complaining about, or how you should be doing things differently, then that seems rather unusual to me. (Most of the ladies I know are pretty vocal about that, LOL!) Do you think she might be willing to talk in counseling? Ask her. And there are lots of good books at the library on building strong relationships. Who knows, you might come across just the piece of info that you needed and wanted.

It does look like you could use a little more information before making a decision to divorce. Especially since you have kids. This is a stressful time for all of you. Be very careful, in stressful times, to eat right and rest on a regular schedule. Good luck.