Mother In Law Future Hell

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2004
Mother In Law Future Hell
7
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 5:52pm

My future MIL is attached at the hip to my fiance. After 4 yrs of dating we have decided to get married. My fiance has always lived with her mother who is a very proud woman. She financially dependant upon her to the tune of %80-90. The real issue is that I am a Jewsish and She was raised Catholic yet we agreed that she would convert. She has never TOLD her mother b/c it would have made life difficult for her to live with her Mom although she has been coming to church with me off and on without regularity. Her mom thinks that I should convert to Catholicsm and move to NYC and not her daughter convert and move to NJ. She doesn't treat me mean or anything but our conversations are strictly "casual.....topical......weather related etc" In 4 months we are to be married......and though I have struggled with trying to make a better relationship with her mom....neither she nor her mom have met me 1/2 way on this? I forsee great stress and trouble in the future as my wife tries to play both sides and keep us both happy while tearing herself down on the inside tryin to please 2 people she loves.

I feel sick about this and I told her that we need to get some progress on this issue within the next 4MONTHS or we may have to call this 30k wedding OFF

please advise......

D-DAY

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 6:00pm
I would ask your finance what does she want and she may need to stand up to her mother for her I hope you two can communicate and come up with a compromise or you may have to end the wedding before it starts

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2005
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 7:10pm
I would strongly suggest you find out where your fiances loyalties lye before marrying. If she tends to feel that she would have to support her mother even if it meant losing you then run fast away. If she feels that her first loyalty is to you even if its against her mother then your situation is stronger.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2006
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 8:37am

I think you should call it off. Your fiance does not want to convert.

Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:32am
I agree that she is showing that she is not ready to get married. She is still waay too tied to Mommy. Can I ask, why does she have to convert at all? Why can't she stay a Catholic and you Jewish. I am not trying to start anything, just wondering. I mean why not embrace the best of both religions? Why does it have to be one way or the other? That aside, she has never lived on her own and isn't even capable of taking care of herself. Is that someone you want to be married to? Someone who doesn't have the ability or maturity to be totally independent? I think it would be better if you postpone the wedding until she can prove she is ready to be a wife. I would strongly suggest some pre-marital counseling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 2:18pm

I can understand why you are concerned. If she hasn't told her mom yet about converting, then I can't believe she is serious about actually doing it. Just 4 months to go? She should be finishing up.

If your goal is to find a woman to give you children and raise them to be Jewish, then I can understand why you don't expect your fiance to be self-supporting. However, you would be really wise to not hold the wedding until she has completed her conversion and told her family about it. How long does it take?

Hopefully I didn't mis-understand your post. Did you say your fiance is dependent on her mother financially? If it's the other way around, then you must be prepared to take on two dependents when you marry.

Don't save these issues for dealing with them after a wedding. Get it taken care of now. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 6:24pm

I am a little confused. When is she planning to convert? From what I understand, to convert to Judaism takes months if not years and is not really respected unless the person converting wants to convert and has explored all other options. I didn't think the religion permitted converting just for marriage. Are you planning a religious ceremony? I am also a little confused when you said you were taking her to church.

Anyway, she probably is feeling very torn right now. She should be focused on building a life with you, which is not to say that she can't still have plenty of love for her mother. But if you and her mom are both saying it's all or nothing, then she is probably in a terrible situation in terms of her feelings. What does she want? Religion is a personal thing. In my opinion, she should do what she wants with the religion aspect.

Have you talked about moving somewhere altogether different? What does she think? If you can agree on where to live, then her mom's opinion should not factor into this. You are not marrying her mom.

She may need to do some soul searching. Has she ever lived on her own or cultivated her own opinions and beliefs? Yes, I think that she should somehow be able to meet you halfway if this is to work. But halfway may not be doing exactly what you want -- it may truly just be 50%.

Your life with her should be a partnership, and you may need to help her not feel so torn. If you suspect that she's feeling torn, then it may be a sign you aren't being very flexible. (I don't mean to sound harsh at all! I am sort of going through a similar thing where I feel a bit how I am sure your fiancee feels.) Decisions should be what the two of you agree.

Good luck. I really hope it all works out. It sounds like you really care about her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 7:02pm

Hi Fadu2000, welcome to the board!

Ok, so you are Jewish and she is Catholic. Why does anyone have to convert to the other's religion? Why can't you both stay your respective religions and get married? Why does it matter what either of your parents think about it?








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