BULLIED BY IN-LAWS. Please help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
BULLIED BY IN-LAWS. Please help
9
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 9:57pm

Hi all,

a bit of background, im 21 & have been with my bf for over 4yrs. i dont get on with his parents at all, i have really tried.

in the past, i have had some blazing rows with them, some my fault, some theirs. anytime i have been in the wrong i have been angry with myself afterwards & have apologised 2 them. i actually really liked them as they had been kind to me in ways despite the fact that we had our differences.

we come from different backgrounds, they are not poor at all but my family would be considered fairly well-off. thats not me being bigheaded i just want to tell the truth so u can see the whole picture. i dont care how much money people have, i dont judge anyone on anything except their personality.

2 weeks ago i was at my BF's sisters birthday party with my BF, his mum, dad, sister, her boyfriend, brother, his GF and 3 other friends.

i was basically talking to my BFs dad about something totally trivial & when he didnt agree with my opinion he started shouting (so everyone in the room could hear) that he hates 'bastards' like me because im stuck up & a snob. he was saying things about my family (none of whom he has ever met) & telling me that i think im educated when really im a stupid bastard.

i tried to stand up for myself but then his wife & son got involved & told me that i was 'above my station'. everyone thought that i had been saying that i was 'better' than them & that i had started talking about education & money when it was exactly the opposite! i have never ever in almost 5yrs spoke about anything like that because those things r not important to me. the whole episode lasted for about a half an hour & then i couldnt take anymore & left.

then next day i called them because i was so upset & asked why they had picked on me but they accused me of overreacting & just shouted me down. they have yet to say sorry or even admit they were in any way wrong. they said it was their family party so they could say what they like!

im still really upset, im actually crying as i type this because i dont want to lose my boyfriend over this (he stood up for me & his parents mocked him for 'siding' against his family). I also dont want him to fall out with his parents as i would not like to be in any way responsible for that.

my questions are :
1) am i overreacting
2) did alcohol cause them to reveal their true feelings about me
3) should i confront them again as i am still very angry & upset about this
4) there is a family anniversary approaching, should i go for my BFs sake or stay away & allow an even bigger rift to form?

i am so embarassed that family, friends & strangers were all witnesses to this. i really dont want anyone to think i am a snob, i just want to be treated the same as everyone else.

sorry if this is so long winded but i really appreciate any advice u can give me!!

thank you xoxoxoxox

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:33am

Hi Trixiefirecracker86, welcome!

I don't know if alcohol "caused them to reveal their true feelings. However, I don't believe alcohol is an excuse for unacceptable words/feelings/behavior.

I don't think you are overreacting. If it were me, I'd be very upset.

I wouldn't confront them again. They are only going to shout you down and it sounds like you can't reason with them, which it sounds like that is why there was a fight to begin with.

As for the family anniversary party, I wouldn't go to it. If that is the way that they are going to talk to you because it is "their family party," then they can have their family party without you. Just my opinion.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 10:11am

1) I don't think you are over reacting. I'd be hurt too. But I'm not sure that trying to deal with this problem head on is the best solution if you want to have a good relationship with these people.
2) I think alcohol caused them to reveal their own insecurities about the difference in your social/financial situation
3) I don't think confronting them will be constructive...they will continue to deny that they were at fault
4) Given the history you describe, my advice is to go and be the better person by being gracious and forgiving. However, if there is a repeat performance, then you need to have a good long sit down with your bf about what this will mean for you guys long term.

This is my advice as I have relatives that could almost be what you describe as your in-laws. They assume that anyone that has a little more money or has a different lifestyle is looking down on them. It really has to do with their own insecurities and little to do with you.

I'm a little puzzled by your comment that they haven't met anyone in your family. You and your bf have been together for 4 years and your refer to them as your "in-laws" so why haven't they met? That might be the reason that they are getting the impression that your family or you are snobbish. I'm not saying that is the reason, just that it's how it might come off if the finances are already an issue with them.

The good news is that your bf stood up for you. If you and your family are down-to-earth genuine people, then that will win you respect from them even if they don't tell you that. It's hard to tell how deeply this runs with them, but if they are like my relatives, they won't reject you totally. Good luck.

http://www.paganedge.com/
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:21am

One night when my grandparents were visiting, my ex-husband got an earful from my Grandfather, for absolutely no reason. For years, Grandad would go off on anyone after a few scotches and about 3/4 of the family couldn't stand him. Well, actually I think my Grandmother and I were the only ones who probably saw beneath the troubles.

Anyway, that night I had to spend the rest of the night trying to get my ex to understand that it wasn't him that my Grandfather was attacking. That ex had just been in the wrong place at the wrong time, that alcohol was the issue and not to take it personally. I even told him if he nver wanted to attend another Grandfather related event, he didn't have to.

Its hard to understand outbursts that come from nowhere. Especially if there's no history there. The mother and others probably jumped in because they've been conditioned to react when he does. Its nothing less than Pavolvian. Say, where was Boyfriend through all of this? Did he come to your defense?

I think that you might need to consider what you can do the next time it happens because its likely that it might. Instead of worrying about how they see you or their assessment of you, put that aside and ask, "How do I get through this event?" You may never ever change their assumptions of you, but honestly, are they the ones whose opinions you value or is it boyfriend's you value most? Think of it as a favor you're doing for him and not an attempt to win their favor.

Hope that helps!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 12:30pm

hi revolutions,

the reason they have never met is because my in-laws would go out & drink a lot whereas my parents r in their 60s & are about 10-12 years older than them. my parents dont drink alcohol & are quite religious & wouldnt really socialise except with my paternal grandparents. and to be perfectly honest, if thats what my in-laws think of me & my family i wouldnt be upset if they never met.

i have actually considered the fact that they havent met as being a problem as i can see that they might percieve this as snobbery but my parents r just not that sort of people.

really appreciate ur advice tho, thanks for taking the time to reply xx

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 1:23pm

I think that patience has it right. Your BF's father is the kind of man who would blow up at a little 21 year old girl, and use foul language right to her face in front of a whole party of people. That says a LOT about what kind of "man" he is. Sorry, trixie, I know you are a legal adult now. But still a very young one. That old man knows it, and he knows he shouldn't be taking offense to anything you might say in your youth and inexperience. But he is a man full of anger, and not very good at controling himself.

Perhaps it is better for you that you spend a lot less time in their prescence. They don't sound like good role models, at least not when they are drinking. Being your age, you probably have a ton of other things to do with your time- work, school, friends. Go do those things. Keep building yourself into the woman you want to be. Don't stunt your growth by spending every hour standing beside your BF. He can respect and love you MORE if you are a go-getter in this world and seek your own experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Fri, 02-02-2007 - 10:59am
I would honestly not go around them anymore. They are verbally abusive to you and they don't care if they hurt your feelings because they are very Toxic people who Love to cause drama and hurt others. I would tell your bf that your done dealing with them and move on. If you and your bf stay together and get married, what will happen when you have children? Nothing. The same verbal abuse, but this time it will be in front of your child. Do you want that? I hope not. I agree with a previous poster who said to better your world by staying away from these toxic people and situations and work on your future be it with or without your boyfriend. You desrve better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:10am

Hi. Just my 2 cents below.

1) am i overreacting
No way! They owe you a serious apology. But as someone recently told me, just because you deserve one doesn't mean you'll get one. Try to be content knowing that your BF supported you and that you were the bigger person.

2) did alcohol cause them to reveal their true feelings about me
Possibly. I don't know if these are their true feelings (they probably like you a lot, too). But the alcohol may have exacerbated their fears and insecurities. My future MIL, who is usually a really sweet person, had too much to drink recently and ripped into me. I was shocked -- she was a totally different person. She semi apologized.

3) should i confront them again as i am still very angry & upset about this
I don't think so. You've done your part.

4) there is a family anniversary approaching, should i go for my BFs sake or stay away & allow an even bigger rift to form?
If you don't think they will do this again and are really serious with your BF, I'd suck it up, be the bigger person, and go (unless you think that they will attack you again). That's what I did. I didn't want to, but I knew that the longer I stayed away, the harder it would be when I eventually did see them. And I knew that I'd eventually have to see them. My boyfriend agreed beforehand that he'd back me up if things got out of hand and that we would politely leave. Things have been fine since. If you go and sense things are not right, I'd come up with an excuse and leave before the yelling starts.

As far as not meeting your parents, this might somehow be contributing to it. Your ILs may have this perception (albeit false) that your parents think they are "too good" to meet them. Maybe in a few months meeting them could help take away some of their fears. When my future MIL had too much to drink, she also brought up my parents (which is what I thought was unacceptable, because they weren't there to defend themselves) and did mention why they'd only met once. (Well, they do live hundred of miles away...) So maybe meeting them could reassure them.

If they have insecurities, then that's their problem and shouldn't become yours.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 3:37pm

That reminds me of my ex sister in laws they would say that I called them B**** when I didn't but let me tell you the day I got divorce I emailed them and said your right you are all bunch of B****es LOL

Its not your fault but where is your guy how come he didn't stand up for you and tell his family to respect you and who cares what his family thinks of you for you know that you are a good person do not let them get to you for they sound like a bunch of drunks just like my ex in laws UGH !

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Sun, 02-04-2007 - 10:36pm
From the OP's original post: "i dont want to lose my boyfriend over this (he stood up for me & his parents mocked him for 'siding' against his family)."
http://www.paganedge.com/