children left out of will

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
children left out of will
16
Tue, 01-30-2007 - 11:19pm
My husband's uncle has been a bachelor all of his life. He likes our middle son best and it is sounding like he is the only one of our three boys in his will. My husband says it is none of his business and there isn't anything he can do. If he says anything to his uncle then none of them will get anything. I told him I'd rather have it be nothing at all than to have our other two sons get hurt by this. I love my children equally, and I am deeply upset by this. HELP!!!

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 6:52am

Have you seen the will? Do you know for a fact that your child has been mentioned?

Sometimes in life, things seem unfair and may not be "equal". Kids need to learn that fact of life. Maybe he is leaving something for all of them, maybe he is leaving nothing at all. It is HIS estate. You are worrying about something that might not even happen, or might not happen for a long time.

I would think it was nice that a relative left one of my children something, even if they didn't leave something for every one of them.

I agree with your husband. Don't sweat it and certainly don't say anything.




Edited 1/31/2007 8:40 am ET by mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 7:25am

I know it seems unfair and divisive to you, but there isn't anything you can do about it. it's his money and his estate and it's nothing whatsoever to do with you who he leaves it to. He can leave it all to his cat, to your son, to some charity importing rare Australian frogs if he wants. Anything you do or say about it is likely to cause an unnecessary fight. Let it go - life is unfair. Your children will always encounter problems of having differing talents, opportunities, friends, money etc, and they'll have to learn how to deal with it, whether it's an unfair bequest from an uncle, a chance at a scholarship, a field trip or even just 5 minutes with you that their brother doesn't get. When it comes to the time to make your *own* will (which I hope you have done!!) with your own money, that's the time to ensure that your own children are treated fairly and equally. Or give it all to the cat and teach them once and for all that life is unfair :-)

Truly, let it go, no good on any level can come of trying to do anything about it, you'll just piss off the uncle, your DH, your kids and your wider family.

Kirsty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 12:25pm
Just want to say I thoroughly agree with the previous answers. The Uncle's will is none of your business. We cannot protect our kids from all of life, our job is to teach them how to deal with it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2002
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 1:09pm
I have to agree that there is nothing you can do...
But I want to add that I do sympathize with you. I had a similar experience...but instead of the money going to a family member it went to the library in NYC...lots of money...but I don't even see a little bronze plaque with the name on it. Oh well....like my older and wiser brother said to me, you can only count on yourself in this life and teach your kids to do the same.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 2:24pm
Thanks to everybody for responding. I agree with what you are saying, but it doesn't make accepting it any easier. I'd like to give you a little background about this person. (Or maybe I just need to vent some more!) The uncle (and other members of his family) is very obstinate and stubborn. I'm afraid that there may be some genetic tendencies toward that trait. My middle son is a lot like that. This is one of the reasons the uncle favors him. At the same time, my middle son is a very hard worker and ambitious, but is selfish in a lot of ways like the uncle. My other two sons are very sensitive, caring and unselfish. The uncle thinks my other two sons are lazy and stupid. Get this, the one that he thinks is smart, is barely going to graduate. My oldest son is a sophomore in college and doing fine. My youngest is in 8th grade and plans to go to college. Both have been on the honor roll and care about getting an education. As I said previously, I love all my children equally, but this is where we butt heads. My middle son doesn't place any value on his education and we do. The uncle only has an 8th grade education, so he doesn't think that that's important. The ones that he calls stupid are very smart and my husband has told him so, but it doesn't seem to matter. I told my husband, just please convince him that our other two boys are NOT stupid! That really hurts me and I'm afraid that my other two sons will resent the one who inherits the money, and we're talking about a lot of money! If I thought the uncle was nice and he was being sincere, I could maybe let this go. But because he thinks that my other two sons are basically worthless, I can't. Someone mentioned if we had a will--the answer is yes. We had a will drawn up even before our third child was born. We updated it when our oldest turned 18. Also, I do know for a fact who is in the uncle's will. Does this help you understand how I'm feeling? Thanks everyone who reads this!
Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 2:54pm

My husband didn't graduate high school. Not that he doesn't regret it. But, that does not stop him from placing value on education for our sons. He is adamant that they finish high school and go either to trade school or college. Also, he makes more money in the construction industry than a lot of college grads we know.

Why do you associate with someone who calls your children "stupid and lazy"? Who really cares what he thinks, really? Why would you even want your kids to have anything from such a nasty old man?

Let him do what he wants with his money and his nasty attitude. Stay away from both. You will feel much better than you do. And please, don't lose hope on your middle child. He may just come around yet.

Quite frankly, if your other two sons would resent their brother getting something they don't, then they really need to get over it. The sooner that they realize that life is not fair, the better off they are.




Edited 1/31/2007 2:56 pm ET by mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 01-31-2007 - 6:22pm
Do your sons know how he feels about them? DO they spend time with him and hear what he has to say about them? If so, then maybe your job should be to keep them away from him because he doesn't sound very pleasant. If he changes his will to exclude your son, so be it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 6:50pm

Hi Mom, julsie, welcome to the board!

I agree with your husband that what his uncle leaves is none of his business. It is not of anyone's concern what his uncle leaves to anyone. What his uncle wants to leave and to whom is HIS business! I honestly don't think you have a right to be upset about this.

So, I guess you'd rather say something so that all of your kids get something from the uncle. You would rather have all of your kids get something because you say something and not because that is what the uncle wants? Do you think that is fair?

Again, I don't see this as being anyones' business whatsoever. Actually, I think you have a lot of nerve thinking that all of your kids should get something or none of them should get anything. That isn't for you to decide and is for the uncle to decide, since it his money, assets and belongings.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 8:21pm
O.K., I did not join the message boards to be made to feel stupid. In a previous entry,I explained what a selfish bastard this uncle is. Only one of his seven siblings still speaks to him. He treats my husband O.K., so my husband treats him O.K. We don't really socialize with him, my boys just help him with farmwork once in awhile. I'm civil to him because I have to be. How would you feel if someone was constantly badmouthing two of your children, while favoring the other one? He thinks my other two sons are "lazy and stupid". If they got any money they would use it for college. That is not being lazy or stupid. He is so stubborn that my husband could show him all of the honor roll certificates my other sons have earned, and it probably wouldn't change his mind. (He places no value whatsoever on education, even though my husband is a college graduate) If he ever can say a good thing about my other two sons, then maybe I could let this go. As far as having the "nerve" to feel this way? I thought that by joining ivillage, that I could express my feelings to strangers, then I wouldn't get myself in trouble by speaking to a family member about it. For the most part, you guys have been objective and helpful. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Thu, 02-01-2007 - 11:31pm
Honestly, although this is not a best case scenario, I think you're making it worse by focussing on the negative too much. Instead of picking on the uncle why dont you teach your middle son to share, so that if he does indeed get a windfall of an inheritance he will have the generosity to share it with his brothers..?
I have to agree with the others, that you are stepping out of your bounds when you try to rationalize dictating to the unce who he will leave his money to. For whatever reason he prefers your middle son, while it seems to me that you prefer the other two.. That's his choice and you can't control any of that.
Teach your son to be a good person.. that's all that matters right now!!

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