IL extended family is the problem
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| Thu, 02-01-2007 - 2:18pm |
I am new to this discussion board, however was interested in hearing what everyone had to say, and some excellent advise that has been given on many of these discussions.
My problem does not lie with my MIL or FIL, actually it is his extended family. Any family event which is at least once a month to once every 2 months. His aunts and grandmother surround me with questions about when we are going to have a baby? We have only been married 1.5 years, and I am in my mid 20's I am not interested in having a baby yet, and neither is my husband. It seems they never go to him with these questions, and harassment.
I am constantly told that it is wrong that I am more concerned with my career and getting it started, and traveling etc. The one aunt has the opinion that it is wrong not to stay home with the children while they are young. They are very vocal about these opinions to the point that it infuriates me, and are almost hurtful in how they express their opinions. I am not sure how to get them to stop this harassment every time that I am at a family function. I do not want to have to stop attending these functions, as they mean a lot to my husband, but I am now at the point of dreading them.
I have explained the situation to my husband a few times, and he doesn't ever see it so does not understand my frustration.
The good news is that my MIL is on my side, and although she would love to be a grandmother understands our point of view, and has come to bat for me a few times, which I am grateful for, but it still does not stop it. Has anyone else been in this situation? Does anyone have any advice on how I can get them to stop this attack everytime I see them?

How about at the next get together you *and* DH seek out Granny, very first thing. Rush up to her and gush about how delighted you are to see her again, no, no baby yet, kiss her cheek (maybe both of you at the same time?) and either rush the most aggressive of the aunties or find someone *fun* to visit with.
Or, you take DH up to Granny and tell her Hubby doesn't believe that *HIS* granny and *HIS* aunties would be so rude as to ask *EVERY* time about your reproductive plans. So would she please tell him how many times you get asked about baby-making and told how to run your lives.
Or, you could ask Hubby to stay within earshot of you for the first hour or so, and make bets on who asks about pregnancy first, who brings up career first, who brings up SAHM first, etc. Imagine their reaction when the two of you are saying "Yes!" and "Darn!" during these invasions, and then explain about the game!
Or, you and Hubby approach Granny and *HE* tell her calmly but firmly that *IF* and when the *TWO* of you decide to have kids, you'll call her when you know there is a pregnancy to report. And until then, she and the aunties are to leave you alone about the subject. Period.
And, should you get pregnant, add about 3 weeks to your estimated due date. Sometimes babies take their time about getting ready for birth, and you *DO NOT* want Granny and *ALL* the aunties calling every day asking if the baby's been born yet, or even worse, invading the hospital while you are trying to be calm and relaxed to birth the baby!
Just some suggestions.
ilve2read
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Ok, next family event try this...
Aunts & Grandmother in unison: Scugog, when oh WHEN are going you to have a baby?
Scugot feigning tears: Sorry, dear aunts and grandmother, that won't be happening, I'm afraid. I'm infertile, you see.
That should get them off your back. Ok, so it's a lie but they won't know that. It'll take the pressure off you and if the time comes for you and your DH to try for a baby, then you can tell them it was a 'miracle.
“It’s sometimes hard to listen without judgement but people do appreciate being heard.†aka Sam Spade, 23rd August 2007
I've been hit with this myself, though thankfully I don't have to deal with it once a month. My husband and I have been married about a year and a half. I'm 35 and he'll be 34 in March. We don't plan on having children. We MIGHT have kids; but, right now they just aren't part of the plan. They may NEVER be part of the plan.
We have TRIED to prepare our families for that possibility. For the most part they've taken it better then when acquaintances ask.
What we found most effective was being completely forthright about it. We explained we might have kids we might not. We're actually kind of leaning towards not; but, we'll make that choice when we are both ready to and not a moment before. We appreciate the interest and the concern; but, it isn't up for discussion or negotiation. If we ever do decide to have children we'll let everyone know as soon as I'm pregnant.
Which isn't entirely true, both our families have histories of miscarriages and we wouldn't actually tell anyone until I was at least 3 months along. But they don't need to know that part. :)
The next time it comes up I would suggest saying something liek this: "I really appreciate your interest, your concern, and your wisdom. It's just that we aren't ready to start a family just yet. It isn't that I'm not hearing your very good points; it's simply that is a choice we'll have ot make when the time is right for us and that isn't right now." Then just change the subject. If the subject change doesn't take excuse yourself to the ladies room or make some other excuse to leave. If they get the same response everytime they'll eventually give up.
On some level they are probably seeing your attempts to pacify them and explain yourself as them weakening your resistance. If you stop justifying your choice they are more likely to stop pestering you.
Trust me I know how attacked it FEELS and I know how hard it is to resist the urge to justify your decisions. Think of how it feels to be unmarried until your 34. "When are you going to get married?" "When are you going to settle down and start a family?" You would have thought I should just grab any random willing guy off the street to make a "real" woman out of me and marry me or the world would end.
"His aunts and grandmother surround me with questions about when we are going to have a baby?"
Keep it in perspective. I know you have never been a grandma, but I think you can guess that when you are one, talking babies to the young people is both a pleasure and almost a responsibility. The older members of a family want to see it grow and thrive. They want to know that it's going to happen someday, and would really appreciate any encouragement that anyone might wish to give.
When I was as young as you, I saw my life as my own. My body was mine, all mine. But really, we are all a part of a bigger tapestry. We carry the genes of our families... we are the means for passing on something that many feel is important and of value. I hope that you can find a very kind way of saying, "never give up hope, Grandma." Maybe with a wink. And then you can change the subject. Ask her about something else that you know she enjoys discussing... other grandkids, how your hubby was as a toddler, her new motorcycle (LOL!), whatever.