attempting to build a relationship
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attempting to build a relationship
| Sun, 02-04-2007 - 7:28pm |
I've never been one of those girls who dreamed of some fabulous wedding or having tons of babies to take care of, but I did have dream ideals about somethings in life, one of which was that I hoped that if I got married one day, I'd have a great relationship with my in-laws and I hoped my future husband would have siblings that I could raise all of my children around. Well, I'm engaged now, and my SO has two and a half sisters all in the approximate same age group. Great!
But here's one of the many problems with what seemed at first to be an ideal situation. When I first met them, my SO's ex-wife was treated as still part of the family. I've spoke with a professinal counselor about this (my SO and I are seeing a marriage counselor... we don't have problems with each other, we just want to make sure we're on the right track and maintaining our relationship well so we don't develop any big problems) and I've read some articles about it and all agreed an ex is no longer part of the family and shouldn't be treated as such because it alienates the new wife in what is supposed to be her family.
My SO ended up having a sit-down with his entire family and told them, when he gets out of the military in a couple years, if they want him and I moving back to his home town to live near them, this situation's got to change or we wouldn't move there because it wouldn't be fair to me to move away from all of my family right into the middle of being the second daugther in law, or the other "like a daughter" to them, or whatever. At first, the excuse was she's included for the sake of the son they had while they were together. Well, we disagreed with that and said the child can and should be invited to every family event, not his mom. She's no longer part of the family and if he thinks she is, that'll just add to his confusion and me continuing to be the outsider because I feel like I have no place there.
My entire family and all my friends don't want me moving to my SO's home town because they think it's an unhealthy environment for me. But my family's so spread out all over, that my SO's home town is the only place where my future kids could be raised with the most family around, especially with kids their age.
So apparently my SO's parents backed off her and tell us she's their friend now and no longer invite her to family events. I know that is partially true, but we both have a feeling we're fed a bit more of what we want to hear than what actually goes on and I'm worried that if we decide to move there in a couple years, I'm not going to be able to handle it. My SO's been great and told me he'd have no problem moving to some other state with me, or even staying where we are when he gets out of the military. He told me it's something we'll discuss together but in the end, is up to me. I really don't know what to do yet and fortunately don't have to make a decision with him for another 2.5 years, but in the mean time, I'd like to keep the option open of maybe moving to his hometown so I'm trying to build a relationship with them. At first, I was welcomed, and I probably still am, but maybe not to such a degree anymore and I'm not sure why. I have this problem where, when I see something I believe is unfair or unjust, I can't help but open my mouth about it and try to fix it to be as fair as possible for all while maintaining moral standards. With all that I've said, my SO completely agrees with me on and backs me up, but I can tell some tension has now developed between me and the future parents-in-law. I know I'm beating around the bush about some of this, but who knows who might read this one day and since I'm new to ivillage, I'm not used to this and feel like I have to watch my wording and what I say about some things.
I'm trying to make things better because if they don't get better, SO and I will go elsewhere to live. But I want to give this a try so I email them regularly and rarely get an email back, even about things that are important to my SO and I. For example, he has a bible that was given to him when he took it upon himself as a teen to go to church and get baptized. In it, is a family tree for him and his "wife" to fill out. We decided we wanted to fill it out, even though we won't be married until this summer, so we emailed my parents and his parents and asked them some questions about names and birthdays of relatives up the family tree who have passed away. My parents both emailed back within days, but it's been weeks and I haven't heard from either of his parents. I emailed about it multiple times, called and left a message and when my SO was on the phone with his dad, I asked if I could talk to his dad and his dad said he was getting ready to have dinner and would call me back. I never heard back from him.
I don't understand what I've done wrong but my SO agrees, they're being rude. He says that's just like them, which makes me think, do I really want to move out there one day then? What should I do to attempt to get along with them and build a relationship with them without compromising myself?
But here's one of the many problems with what seemed at first to be an ideal situation. When I first met them, my SO's ex-wife was treated as still part of the family. I've spoke with a professinal counselor about this (my SO and I are seeing a marriage counselor... we don't have problems with each other, we just want to make sure we're on the right track and maintaining our relationship well so we don't develop any big problems) and I've read some articles about it and all agreed an ex is no longer part of the family and shouldn't be treated as such because it alienates the new wife in what is supposed to be her family.
My SO ended up having a sit-down with his entire family and told them, when he gets out of the military in a couple years, if they want him and I moving back to his home town to live near them, this situation's got to change or we wouldn't move there because it wouldn't be fair to me to move away from all of my family right into the middle of being the second daugther in law, or the other "like a daughter" to them, or whatever. At first, the excuse was she's included for the sake of the son they had while they were together. Well, we disagreed with that and said the child can and should be invited to every family event, not his mom. She's no longer part of the family and if he thinks she is, that'll just add to his confusion and me continuing to be the outsider because I feel like I have no place there.
My entire family and all my friends don't want me moving to my SO's home town because they think it's an unhealthy environment for me. But my family's so spread out all over, that my SO's home town is the only place where my future kids could be raised with the most family around, especially with kids their age.
So apparently my SO's parents backed off her and tell us she's their friend now and no longer invite her to family events. I know that is partially true, but we both have a feeling we're fed a bit more of what we want to hear than what actually goes on and I'm worried that if we decide to move there in a couple years, I'm not going to be able to handle it. My SO's been great and told me he'd have no problem moving to some other state with me, or even staying where we are when he gets out of the military. He told me it's something we'll discuss together but in the end, is up to me. I really don't know what to do yet and fortunately don't have to make a decision with him for another 2.5 years, but in the mean time, I'd like to keep the option open of maybe moving to his hometown so I'm trying to build a relationship with them. At first, I was welcomed, and I probably still am, but maybe not to such a degree anymore and I'm not sure why. I have this problem where, when I see something I believe is unfair or unjust, I can't help but open my mouth about it and try to fix it to be as fair as possible for all while maintaining moral standards. With all that I've said, my SO completely agrees with me on and backs me up, but I can tell some tension has now developed between me and the future parents-in-law. I know I'm beating around the bush about some of this, but who knows who might read this one day and since I'm new to ivillage, I'm not used to this and feel like I have to watch my wording and what I say about some things.
I'm trying to make things better because if they don't get better, SO and I will go elsewhere to live. But I want to give this a try so I email them regularly and rarely get an email back, even about things that are important to my SO and I. For example, he has a bible that was given to him when he took it upon himself as a teen to go to church and get baptized. In it, is a family tree for him and his "wife" to fill out. We decided we wanted to fill it out, even though we won't be married until this summer, so we emailed my parents and his parents and asked them some questions about names and birthdays of relatives up the family tree who have passed away. My parents both emailed back within days, but it's been weeks and I haven't heard from either of his parents. I emailed about it multiple times, called and left a message and when my SO was on the phone with his dad, I asked if I could talk to his dad and his dad said he was getting ready to have dinner and would call me back. I never heard back from him.
I don't understand what I've done wrong but my SO agrees, they're being rude. He says that's just like them, which makes me think, do I really want to move out there one day then? What should I do to attempt to get along with them and build a relationship with them without compromising myself?

'My entire family and all my friends don't want me moving to my SO's home town because they think it's an unhealthy environment for me. But my family's so spread out all over, that my SO's home town is the only place where my future kids could be raised with the most family around, especially with kids their age."
I would not move if I were you, the situation will only get worse with you living near them. It sounds like you have done all you can to improve the situation with your future in laws, but they need to want to improve things with you as well. Stay where you are with family and friends who support you, and when you have kids in my opinion it is better to be around a few family and friends who are genuinely there for you, rather than more family who aren't going to be there for you. There will always be children the same age around for your children to play with, so I wouldn't worry about that.
Also seems to me like they will always see you as second best to your SO's ex wife :S
Just my 2 cents
Kristen
Hi greenfox. I think it's wonderful that you and your fiance are working together (counseling) even before problems pop up. It's also wonderful that your fiance is willing to stand by (or in front of) you as regards his family of origin.
I think his family is *telling* you how it is, and will be if you move there after getting married. Right or wrong, it's how they are. We don't get to control the actions of others, only our own actions and re-actions.
It sounds like you need to re-think your plans for your future. Either pick some other relatives to live near, have friends instead of family living near you or find a man without all the baggage that this one has. And by "baggage" I mostly mean his family of origin.
Hopefully you can end up fairly near to where his child lives, so he can be a regular participant in his child's life. Children have a right (or should, anyway) to regular access to both parents as well as the right to love and respect both parents.
To some extent, you'll be dealing with his ex-wife for the rest of your life, because of the child. And I sincerely hope that the three of you can work together for the good of the child or at least be neutral and civil to each other.
ivillage has several step parenting boards and you might want to read some of them to get a feel for what you may be in for. I'm sure they can give you tips and reality checks about interaction with the child's mother.
Good for you, addressing these issues *before* the wedding. I hope it all turns out just wonderful for you.
ilve2read
>>>I did have dream ideals about somethings in life, one of which was that I hoped that if I got married one day, I'd have a great relationship with my in-laws and I hoped my future husband would have siblings that I could raise all of my children around.<<<
This is your dream. Unfortunately your SO's family does not share the same dream. You say you want family for your kids to grow up around. Moving by your in-laws will not give them a good healthy family environment, so what would be the point?
>>>What should I do to attempt to get along with them and build a relationship with them without compromising myself?<<<
I don't think there is anything you can do. You can't make them like you, you can't make them share the same values, you can't make them treat you right, you can't make them accept you if you move to be near them. You can move to another state and live your life on your terms. Love your SO, have your kids and raise them together around people you enjoy and that care for your family.
No real advice but I just wanted to share what we do in our family. My brother has been married 3 times. The first time to a girl he dated when he was 14. They married when he went to Vietnam, had a daughter and divorced amicably when he came back around age 21. We all love wife number one. She is like a sister to us and stepped in when I was 5 years old and lost my mother. She has since remarried. She (as well as her new husband) is at every family event. Brother met wife number 2 in his early 20's. They had a daughter and were married over 22 years. In the end, they had just fallen out of love and after years of therapy they divorced. Wife number 1 and wife number 2 always got along for the sake of the two daughters and the family also could not let wife number 2 out of our lives or family functions. She also was (and still is) very good to all of us. My brother met wife number 3 in his early 40's and they also had a daughter. You guessed it, wife number 1 and wife number 2 were thrilled for my brother! Because wife #3 knew wife number 1's wonderful taste in fashion, wife number 3 went wedding dress shopping with wife number 1! Soon we found out that wife number 3 had a problem with alcohol. Wife #1 and #2 both took turns along with others in the family babysitting for their daughter and trying to help my brother and his wife when they were going through this difficult time. Wife #3 has been sober for over 3 years now and although I am referring to them here as wife #1,2,3 they are all of our family.
Everyone is very kind and respectful to eachother. There has never been any talking about each other or gossiping. We are just blessed to have everyone still in our lives.
I know this is the exception and it take a strong, secure woman and also a trusting woman to be able to handle this situation. We just got lucky. We love all of our SIL's equally they are our family and we would be lost without them. We are lucky my brother is able to make great choices! - There have been many times at family functions where just for fun, we have gotten brother together with just the three wives and all three daughters and have done a group photo. We all think it's pretty funny and it was SIL #3 who first came up with the photo idea!
Maybe this story can help you realize that it's not the worst thing for ex's to get along- especially where there are children involved and that it can work.
What are your fears? Are you afraid your SO and ex will get back together? - Then perhaps maybe you shouldn't be together.
You say "and I've read some articles about it and all agreed an ex is no longer part of the family and shouldn't be treated as such because it alienates the new wife in what is supposed to be her family."
Everything you read is not true and I think the article makes a selfish statement. Think of what a wonderful lesson this is teaching all of our neices.
I wish you luck and I hope you can come to a healthy conclusion.
Judy
Do you really want to know what you've done wrong and what all the problem is? Because I'll tell you. You'll hate me at the end of this post though. Oh what the heck. I believe you when you say that you want to know. Now you haven't mentioned that his parents are evil. They aren't dangerous or destructive people. They aren't malicious and vengeful and decietful. With that in mind is my response. Please don't think I'm being mean, I'm just being honest, because you can not fix something if you don't honestly assess the problem right?
What you've "done" is over step your bounds and come to them with your DF, their son, and imposed your hurt feelings over them. You are wrong. His XW IS still family. He divorced her, they didn't. Since your DF and she share a son, there is a direct link of blood relation between her and them. Since your DF isn't the primary custodial parent, SHE is the keeper of the key to their grandchild. They have to be nice. They have to be able to keep a warm open door of communication with her in order to have any sort of quality relationship. They can't invite the grandchild and tell her she's not invited. She is their friend, and just like any other person on the face of the planet that they're friends with, you and your DF don't have a vote. You aren't entitled to tell them whom they can and can not be friends with. You are the ones who must suck it up and endure it, for the sake of family peace.
They're mad at you. You're the girl who's come into the picture and could possibly jeopardize the relationship they have with their son and their grandchild. If you want to fix this and have the fantasy you dreamed of and desire, you need to write them a letter of appology. You need to appologise for over steeping your place, how you had no right to make them give up a friendly relationship with the mother of their grandchild, and that it is wrong and selfish to manipulate them into making you feel comfortable, instead of you and DF just sucking it up, acting like adults, and keeping the peace for his son.
I originally went with him to visit them with an open mind to attempt to get along with her. I'd heard about some things she'd done so I wasn't totally unprepared, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt that she may have grown up since then. I'm not one of those girls who dislikes an ex just because she's an ex. That's silly and insecure, and infact, in dating other men in the past, I've made friends with some of their ex-girlfriends and remained friends with them even when I became an ex to those men too! I'm a firm believer that in many cases, men can bring women together.
However, with this woman, I saw her about 4 or 5 times on that first visit, all at family functions or her just walking right into his parents house without knocking, calling them "mom" and "dad." All the while, aside from when I first introduced myself to her, she never spoke a word to me. She completely ignored me and that, coupled with her still in a spot that should no longer be hers, it upset my SO greatly to see that and made me very uncomfortable. What upsets me most about it, is from what I've heard, and from what I've seen, there are a lot of lies and manipulation going on in that scenario amongst some people. After my SO asked his parents to distance her, they did, somewhat and tell us now that she's hardly ever around and yet they make excuses for some poor behavior that is going on. I told my future father in law to not be the middle man between me and her anymore because all I hear is excuses and that they have to appease some behaviors just to keep their grandchild around. So it's not a wonderful and pleasant situation like yours is, unfortunately. When a member of his family told her I didn't like her because of what I'd heard, seen and how she treated me, she threatened my SO to not let him see his son until she could confront me, and of course, I wouldn't play along with that so he was going to look into a lawyer, but after him and her both talked it out through his parents, he's able to see his son and a lawyer currently isn't necessary. However, she's been obsessed with wanting to talk to me ever since (this happened a little over a year ago). The way I see it, is what does she have to say to me that she couldn't have said the first 4 or 5 times she was around me and blew me off? I'm sure it must have been an awkward situation for her and so I'd understand hesitation at first, but it was just as awkward for me, seeing as I've never dated someone with an ex-wife and child before, yet I introduced myself to her!
Either way, she recently said she's changed her ways and is trying to improve and just started acting civil to my SO on the phone again so he told his parents he didn't want them as his "middle man" with her anymore and they were releaved. As for her changing her ways, I'm not saying she's lying, I'm saying I've got to see it to believe it because behavior and the way a person is, is not easy to change and does not happen over night. I do want her to take the opportunity to change though and I'm doing my best to stay back and not hinder her efforts, if that's what she's really doing. There's still some nonsense going on but things seem to be civil for now so if she continues to at least be civil, I'll agree to speak with her eventually. But only about the future SS, because aside from him, I see no reason we need to talk. There's nothing else she needs to say to me that she can't instead prove through positive actions or speak to my SO about it if it involves the future SS. I hope to get along with her on a civil basis one day, but I'm taking it slow, playing it safe and will never be a good frined to her because of past relations and the likeliness of some reaccurances. But I do hope we get along one day... only on terms where there is no nonsense or anything else because unlike my SO's parents, I will not appease such behavior and would just as soon set an example for the SS to see that no one should act in certain ways and no one else should tolerate and allow such behavior. Not that I would ever talk bad about her to the SS though! I would never do that to him! Besides, like I said, I hope her and I can be civil one day. I want to be a strong enough person to be civil, yet I am stubborn and want to stand my moral ground as well and hold standards of how people should treat each other and themselves. In the mean time, there is no communication between us.
As for fearing my SO wanting to go back to her, thank you for your concerns because you're right, if I feared that, then that should be my hint to end the relationship! But no, I may be a bit neurotic about the entire ex and family involvement thing because it's new, frightening and important to me to attempt to be close to the future in laws, but all other things in my life, I'm secure on. That includes my relationship with my SO. He is absolutely amazing to me! We're truly lucky in finding each other and always try our best for each other. He's in the exact opposite scenario from wanting to go back to her. It was a relationship that even his parents and other family members tell me was horrible and a bad match all along. But they were young, only teens, and foolish. He ended up moving away from home and she followed him. He was homesick and she was familiar so one thing led to another, she got pregnant and he married her because he felt it was his obligation to for his child's sake. Needless to say, it didn't work out and he is frustrated and embarrassed with himself as to why he ever dated her in the first place. I don't mean that bad towards her, I just mean they were a horrible match and don't get along now either and if it weren't for his son, he'd have nothing to do with her.
Thanks again for your concern and I'm very happy for your family. Your neices are learning amazing lessons about the gifts of human kindness, forgiveness and love. They are truly lucky.
As for apologizing, I had already sent them an email to apologize if me opening my mouth about some things had caused them any tension and I never got a reply to that. Oh well, I feel I did my part and did my best in regards to that situation. As for her once being part of the family, my SO doesn't like it just as much as me and he told me even if him and I weren't together, he still wouldn't want her being part of his family. He feels she has her own family and with all the bad things the two of them have in the past and how they don't get along now, he doesn't want her in his family. But if they want to be friends, then that's their choice and since it's not a family issue for my SO, then he shouldn't try to stop them from that. Like I said, the friendship seems mainly based on just keeping the grandson around now and that they all have a history together. My SO and I agree that it's not a healthy friendship and it's demonstrating the wrong messages for his son, but you're right in that their friendship is something we can't touch and I should accept that. However, someone who, at least by law is no longer part of the family and doesn't get along with a real member of the family, shouldn't be considered part of the family... especially because of that rift with a real family member. My SO has done his parents no wrong and his feelings should be considered too. For now, we've been told she's not invited to family events but the grandson is still going.
Please don't feel like I'd hate you for what you said. As long as you didn't say it maliciously and were honestly giving what you felt to be constructive advice, then I appreciate your honesty and certainly don't hate you. After all, I did ask to hear what everyone had to say and have gotten very mixed reviews, all of which I'm considering and taking seriously in formulating in my mind whatever I think I may end up needing to do next. For now, I will not apologize to them for my SO and I standing by each other in what we both were made uncomfortable by. We don't agree with some of the things that have gone on but for now, things seem somewhat civil and we are just trying to wait this all out. I want to be close to them without compromising my morals and standards. But when it involves his son and influences his son, his opinion takes precedence over the grandparents.