Asking your opinion

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Asking your opinion
5
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 12:04pm

I have been divorced from my first husband for about 4 years. He cheated and married her shortly after our divorce was final. My XMIL knows what he did and she doesn't approve. She attended their wedding and tried to make nice, but knowing what they did makes it hard for her to have a close relationship with the new wife. I was not always close with the XMIL, but I am now and we have mended our relationship and my ex and his wife hate it. My XMIL and I took a girl's trip with some friends just a few weekends ago and had a blast. XMIL always said that if her new DIL would just open her heart to her, she'd be able to look past her sins and try to have a relationship, but after the disrespect she has had for my XMIL, as well has how my ex has treated his own mother (saying F you to her), it's made it even easier to latch onto me as a friend. My XSIL who was married to my ex's brother is also close with XMIL. We have children we share with our ex's and this woman is their grandmother, after all, why not be friendly with her? She's been very kind to us. She knows who and what her sons are, but she does love them and wishes to be close again with them. My ex and his wife hate the friendship I have with XMIL and want her to drop me. I am not entered into this friendship out of spite. I honestly wanted to mend things with her and I have. Plus it is best for the kids to be on good terms with all family if you can.

Does anyone feel this is weird? Does anyone feel like I am wrong for being her friend? She also wants to go into business with me. This is serious. I am genuinely excited about it.

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 1:05pm

No it's not weird, and congratulations to you for forging a bond with the grandmother of your children. Loving extended family with peace is always a blessing. It's selfish of your XH and his new honey to want her to drop her relationship with you. He abandoned you and desolved the family, that doesn't mean she has to follow along.


You both are entitled to be friends with whom you want. You don't owe it to your DH, and she doesn't owe it to her son. On the contrary though, all of you owe it to the children, and it's sad that your XH isn't greatful that his children are allowed to still have a close relationship with their grandma.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 02-05-2007 - 1:39pm
This is what XMIL and I talk about all the time. She knows that I could have run far away from her family but the fact that I did not makes me very mature and she notices that I've grown up. She had her doubts about me at first but I showed her that I was above all the drama and reached out to her because it's was better that way. I found out through many conversations that my impression of her all along was false and we could have been closer than we were but her son kept us at each other's throats. We were both too proud to just speak up. Without him in the middle, we finally hashed it out calmly and realized none of what I thought was true. I felt ashamed but she never allowed me to feel that way and immediately said it was over and we could move on. Both of us had totally wrong ideas of who each other was. I could see it coming that my ex would object to our friendship. He knows she will talk to me about things and he feels threatened. That's too bad. If he would act right, she'd have nothing to say about him. Honestly we speak about other things. She knows I do not want to talk about my ex. I did tell her that even if I hated her, she'd still see my son. I could never be cruel to her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 9:13am

I think you are absolutely right to maintain, and work at, a good relationship with your XMIL because she is, and always will be, your children's grandma. In the interests of the children I would *always* be very careful about getting involved in any way in the relationship between XMIL and your XDH. That's for them to work out, and so long as you stay out of it and don't badmouth him, or his new DH to either XMIL or the kids, then you have nothing to worry about. (Badmouth him all you like to your friends, out of earshot of the kids or XMIL!!) Similarly, don't let XMIL get involved in, or drawn into, any dispute between you and XDH.

Good luck with it. She sounds like a good grandma for your kids and a good friend for you and that's worth a lot,

Kirsty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 1:58pm

I agree with the others. Your MIL didn't bring you into this family, it was Ex. And once he did that and had kids with you, he could not un-do it. I am sure your MIL is careful not to rub this friendship harshly into the eyes of her son and his new spouse. All should try to learn to mind just their own business.

Now, things could get sticky if you or your MIL decided to make some poor decisions around holidays or times of family gathering. I like to see my Ex's Mom whenever I get the chance, but for the sake of my child who needs to "get along" with her father's SO, I am careful about which invites I accept. It would be easy for me to justify stepping on the "new girl's" toes. She would just be sowing what she reaped, cheating with my hubby, right? But that's not who I want to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 1:27pm
She doesn't rub it in his face, but she is surely not hiding it. Her son told her to F off when she told him he was not spending enough time with his son. She was right, he isn't spending enough time, but he couldn't handle that accusation because he's "perfect" and he told her she would never see his son again. Well, I let her know that I am the CP, not him and he has no say in that. I told her it was ridiculous and that she'd always see him. He told her she needed to stop talking to me and she told him to mind his own business. She's tried with him, his wife, and his wife's kids. She can't make any headway. She reached out to me...I was there and will be there. My ex has no say in that and if I am invited to her home when he's supposed to be there, I'll go. I will not concede to him or his skank wife.

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