Selfish wife or concerned mom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Selfish wife or concerned mom?
26
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:14am
A couple of weekends ago, my son burned his hand (2nd degree burns) on our stove while under the care of my DH, MIL and BIL. DH called me up and told me about the situation and told me that our son was screaming for me. Upon my return, my son was screaming so loud, that it could be heard from outside of the house. I ran in to take a look and was upset to find my in-laws and husband drinking vodka and playing X-Box while our child was in agony. I was wondering if that is why he burned his hand. They were kinda passing him around and saying, “there’s nothing we can do.” Before I reached home, my MIL slopped anti-biotic cream all over the burn and told me there was “nothing you can do” about the situation. Looking at the burned/blistering hand, my first response was to go to ER but I was chided by DH as being an “over reactive” mother about the situation. Of course MIL told me once again “What can you do?” They continued to drink and play while I ran around the house looking for a small bucket to place his hand in cool water and to put some silver sulfacide on the burn. Trying to comfort my son, I kept wondering why none of them even considered calling a doctor or taking him to the ER. I was so upset and grew more aggravated by their socializing and talking my ear off about office gossip and other things that meant nothing to me while my son was crying in my face. I took him to the doctor the following day only to get raised eyebrows about how he needed to get on oral antibiotics right away to prevent infection and “how come you didn’t take him to the ER?”, etc. I almost felt like the situation was growing suspicious of me especially when I took him to daycare and people were stunned that I didn’t take him the ER right away. I feel so guilty for not taking him to the hospital on my gut feeling and for being so angry with them. I know accidents happen, but their lack of taking the seriousness of the situation disturbs me. I’m apprehensive about leaving my child with my MIL and BIL and my DH won’t hear about hiring a babysitter since they are more than willing to watch him and how experienced my MIL is since she raised 4 kids of her own, etc. My husband also encourages them to have wine, beer or spirits while watching our son against my wishes. It always becomes a big fight since his family has drinking problems and I don’t think that should be around young children. Am I a selfish, nag of a wife to be criticizing his family not wanting to let them supervise or am I right to have reservations about having the in-laws over to baby-sit?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 10:39am

OMG!!!!!

Please ask your doctor to write a note about how serious your child's injury was, and how the expected response to such a burn would be a visit to the ER, get that tatooed on your husbands forehead and slap the back of his head!!

Okay, okay. Do get the letter from the doctor, when you hand it to your husband tell him that since he has shown himself incapable of caring for your (plural) son you will no longer put that burden on him and his irresponsible mother. Then line up a babysitter you *can* trust, and either kick his worthless butt to the curb or at least get him into counseling so he can learn to be a *GOOD* father!

I am so sorry he let that happen! Poor little guy! Is he better today?

{{{{hugs}}}}

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:04am
Thank God he has been healing up very nicely with no scaring. Thanks for asking. I just feel like a jerk about the situation and can't help but feel angry that I was right about taking him to the ER. Technically, there was nothing you can do with a 2nd degree burn, but I knew he probably should have gone on an oral anti-biotic which is something I can't get without a doctor not to mention get more silver sulficide instead of the anti-biotic ointment that my MIL put all over it (traps the heat under the skin). I just can't let this go and my husband is getting sick of me holding this against him and his family. I know I should forgive and forget, but I really don't think they are on the same wave length when it comes to illnesses and such. My husband wants to take me out this weekend for Valentines, but there is no one else to watch him except my MIL who drags over my (surly, money grubbing, 32 year old, hasn't had a job in 2 years) BIL with her. If I refuse, then I get hell for not giving him some attention and that I never want to go out speech. My husband is the real problem because he won't put his foot down, but he tells me I'm being too hard on them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:30am
Concerned mom all the way. It is irresponsible for your MIL and BIL to be drinking in front of your child if you have asked them not to. You did great taking your child to the doctor to receive medical attention, even if there isn't really anything they can do for it. Your husband probably dropped the ball on that one because your MIL told him there isn't anything he or a doctor could do to help. From experience I know that a husband will tend to listen more to his mother than his wife even though his mother can be completely wrong. I agree with the other posting that you should get a note from the doctor or have the doctor sit down with your husband and explain that your child should have medical attention after he was burned. Maybe hearing it from an degreed expert your husband will be more likely to pick up the ball the next time an accident occurs. Hope your little feels better soon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 11:53am
My husband would laugh, crumple up the note and sum it up that the doctor wrote it up to avoid litigation. He thinks I am raising a over-medicated, hypercondriate when ever I take him to the doctor for possible sinus infections, pink eye, etc. I feel better when I know he is either sick or not sick, but apparently my DH was raised differently than I was. I recently sent my MIL (MIL never took herself or kids twice a year to the dentist unless they complained about pain) and DH to my dentist and I got an eyerolling speech from the dentist at my recent appointment about how they don't take care of their teeth and I really should encourage my DH to come more often for regular check-ups. He has no idea what I am up against with these people. They never go to the doctor and try to fight everything on their own. Sorry, but anti-biotics work when you have a bacterial infection. I don't care if they don't want to take care of themselves, but I do care about my son under there care. It's such a sticky situation and offense will be taken if I don't let them watch my son. I can't convince my husband to hire a baby sitter. Good old MIL knows more about taking care of her grandchildren than some stranger...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:24pm

"My husband is the real problem because he won't put his foot down, but he tells me I'm being too hard on them."

In this situation, if my own child's safety was in question, I would never leave the child alone with my husband or his parents. Your husband is telling you that his parents feelings are more important to him than you or your baby's safety. Knowing that they are incapable of caring for the baby and not using good judgement to protect him from danger or get help when an accident does happen, you are placing your child in danger.




Edited 2/7/2007 12:30 pm ET by fluffy42052
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:26pm

"I know I should forgive and forget"

Who says? I am not in the habit of forgiving people if they don't acknowledge that they were wrong, and ASK for forgiveness. And nothing short of head trauma is going to make you forget.

I prefer the old saw: "Live and Learn."

You have received valuable experience here. Learn from it. One good thing you learned is that at least they will call you if your child is so injured that he won't stop screaming. After all, it cuts into their fun. If I were you, and did not feel the need to do the drastic thing (divorce), then I would have to dream up ways to make sure my child stays safe. I would bet money that you can find one person in your community who has a child and will swap babysitting with you for free. You watch their kid, then they watch yours. It costs your husband nothing. If a day comes when your husband insists you leave the child with his mom, then do whatever you have got to do to make that babysitting episode VERY SHORT. And you can call your MIL every hour, to see how things are going.

Forgive and forget? That is only for a very limited set of circumstances. Unless you are a god or a saint, LOL!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:30pm

Not to be the bearer of bad news but CYA. Make sure your work has your hours documented and keep a journal of what happened and anything else related to your son's care now and in the future ESPECIALLY around the MIL & BIL. If the Dr suspects neglect/abuse he by law MUST Report it. SO don't be surprised if someone knocks on your door. IF they do make sure they know that DH, MIL & BIL were DRINKING & PLAYING VIDEO GAMES During and After this happened AND THEY BULLIED (YEP THAT IS THE WORD) BULLIED YOU INTO NOT TAKING HIM TO THE ER.
You need to call the Dr and set an appointment to have a meeting with him and DH. Also ask that the Dr call you ahead of time and give him a heads up to the situation (the history of alcohol abuse and USAGE During the Watching of your SON) Let the Dr know that you REALLY Want to have him talk to your DH about the Fact that This IS NOT WHO SHOULD WATCH YOUR SON!!!

You need to put your son ahead of your husband and if he is being a donkey's behind then he needs to be kicked to the curb.

Good Luck and PLEASE TAKE CARE OF THAT ANGEL

Frances


Proud Wife & SAHM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 12:55pm

Oh my gosh. You are a concerned mom, and have a selfish husband. If it were me, it'd be over. I would not ever be able to stay with a man who would allow the physical pain of his child in the manner which you've described. To choose his parents over his own son is dispicable. I would be beating myself up with the guilt of not following my instincts to go to the ER, and I'd beat myself with the guilt all the way to a lawyers office and the police station to see if I can charge them with reckless endangerment of a child, child abuse, neglect, you name it I'd be finding out it all, because I'd need it documented so his parents could never ever be around my child again.


It's not the burned hand. Honestly, he could easily have hurt himself in your care just as in theirs. It's the lack of action, and the fact that they were more concerned with drinking and playing videogames. Come on, who does that?!? In my not humble opinion, they are evil. They can't be bothered the disturbance of their fun, and force the small helpless boy to suffer. That's evil. They lied up and down about there being "nothing they can do", because duh, they can take him to the ER and have it checked out and give him some sort of pain medication. I think you made a mistake in the person you chose to father your child, and you should get out now before any more damage is done to your child.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 1:02pm
Thanks for sharing your opinions with me. I see that I am not alone with my feelings on the situation. Money is not the issue with hiring a babysitter. My husband feels asking her over is a way to spend special time with her grandson and wants to know why do I go out of my way to ruin that? He just doesn't see it with his family!!! Everytime I tell him I am uncomfortable with their decisions, he will come back with, "I know you hate them so I will call and tell them that is why they are not allowed to watch our kid." I know WWIII is going to erupt when my husband wants to take a vacation without my son so we can have some alone time, but there is no one else to take care of him except his MIL and FIL (Divorced) or loser BIL as my own mother is taking care of my ill father. My husband is a pain in the neck about wanting his way about getting a vacation, going out to eat - time alone with me. I know the excuses from me about not going away or going out to eat are going to run dry. There is no other way to avoid insulting him or them.
Avatar for cl_mugalug
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 1:29pm
Who cares if you insult them or hurt your Dh (d doesn't mean darling in this case)? He allowed your child to suffer for hours. That is cruel. What is it going to take for him to wake up? For your son to lose a limb or come close to death, because he and his mother are totally negectful? Personally, I would really think twice about staying married to him. He obviously wasn't watching your son, and didn't give a flying fig that he was hurt and in serious pain. Personally I would have told them all to f-off and taken him to the ER anyway. They can't force you to do or not do anything. I think that Dh needs to move out for a while and really think about things. How HE allowed his son to get hurt, and how HE allowed him to suffer needlessly because they didn't want to be bothered to take him to the ER.

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