In-laws wanting $$$$$

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
In-laws wanting $$$$$
12
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 11:40am

I have been married for 9 years and have 4 children under the age of 6 with my husband. We are financially ok, but we watch every penny to try and make sure that we stay that way. My husbands parents are 79 and 75 years old. They recently divorced and each got a big chunck of money when they sold their house. Now for the past wo years since the divorce they have been living a life that I can only dream of living. Each of them travel a lot to places I would LOVE to see and belong to country clubs and go out for dinner all the time, go to lots of movies and theater. Things I would love to do, but we do not do so we can afford to live and save for our future and our kids future. We never go out on the weekends because we do not want to spend money on a babysitter and dinner it is out of our budget. Now my in-laws are coming to us and saying they are running out of money. Their yearly expenses each separately are MORE than our family of six. They will be flat broke in 2 years. They have told my husband they expect him to provide for them. He asked for them to cut back on their living style and they have said no. They said they do not know how much more time they have in this world and they want to have fun before it is over and they are sure he does not want to take away their happiness. My husband loves them very much and he is haunted that if he makes them upset or dissappoints them and then they die he will never forgive himself. I understand, HOWEVER that means MY LIFE is going to be effected. Either by giving up all that money that we have been saving for our kids college or by giving up our retriement money we have been saving.

Is it awful that I have sacrificed all these years scrimping and saving and they are going to come in and take it away. They have and continue to live a better life than my own. How is this fair??? How do I handle this without ruining my marriage? How do I handle it with out being full of hate and resentment? I really need help.

Pages

Avatar for judym13930
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 12:50pm
Wow! It's hard to believe that although they are divorced they have both decided to become foolish with their money, both decided to travel, both are headed down the same path with the same attitude and both expect dh to support them. If this is the case and you choose your battles then this is one to fight. You should put your foot down, and absolutely not support them. Your family and children come first.
Judy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 1:21pm

Oh my goodness, I can't even imagine how you must feel!

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 2:00pm

If this is being talked about by your husband as if it's a given and will happen, you need to put a stop to it immediately!!! My holy crap, what nerve your IL's have! They can't piss away their money and expect their child to start forking over the money to continue. I'm sorry, but what are they evil?! Or just with out a conscience? Or maybe they're narcissistic?


"Now my in-laws are coming to us and saying they are running out of money. Their yearly expenses each separately are MORE than our family of six. They will be flat broke in 2 years. "


And it's their faults entirely!! They are acting like immature spoiled children! They should have been smart and invested for their retirement, but instead spent it all. Not your fault, not your problem, not your responsibility to fix!!!


"They said they do not know how much more time they have in this world and they want to have fun before it is over and they are sure he does not want to take away their happiness."


Wow. Pullin' out the big guns in their arsenol of manipulation aren't they. Have they always been so selfish and manipulative?


"Is it awful that I have sacrificed all these years scrimping and saving and they are going to come in and take it away."


Oh no no no. Make no mistake, they can NOT come and take it away. But if your husband is a weak pathetic shell of a man he most certainly can GIVE it all away.


"How do I handle this without ruining my marriage? How do I handle it with out being full of hate and resentment?"


If your husband doesn't fully agree that they are rediculous and that you two will not be financing them staying spoiled brats, you might want to consider counceling. If you think his parents might try to play the religious card with "honor thy father and mother" you might specifically go to a religious councelor who will set your husband straight about what honoring means, because contrary to the way it's used to manipulate, it does NOT mean what his parents are demanding, nor does it mean letting them move in to your house.


Good luck, I really hope for your sake you chose wisely when picking a husband and father of your children.


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting



Edited 2/8/2007 2:03 pm ET by dansfoxywife

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:43pm

Wow! How about you find a brochure for your state's Medicaid program and send them each a copy? Send them stuff about applying for food stamps and income-assisted housing.

Ask your husband if he'd let his children act like that when *they* are grownup and remind him of the concept of "tough love" and the dangers of enabling bad behavior.

If he seems to see the futility of enabling them but fears he might cave under pressure, put your assets into both names so that it takes *both* of you to liquidate them.

Remind him that they *won't* be around forever, and if he robs his children to support these immature old folks, they'll die happy and his children will live a long, miserable time, hating the memory of his parents. Okay, this part may be too much.

Good luck, the first thing is to get your husband on board with care of his kids.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 7:54pm

I think it's very nervy of your ILs. Sure, I know your DH doesn't want to see his parents suffer, but it shouldn't act to the detriment of your own kids, especially when they have no inclination to save. It would be an entirely different story, in my opinion, if they didn't fritter away their money.

A few things came to mind. Do you think that they are fearful that their friends would judge them if they can't maintain the lifestyle they are used to? And are they fearful of having to change their lifestyle? Or are they delusional as to their situation? Some people also feel that they are entitled to a level of support because they raised their kids, put them through college, etc.

I think that you need to discuss this with your husband again. Perhaps bring up your kids' futures and their education. Is he willing to, say, forego paying for college because of this? Or deny them extracurricular activities? Has he really considered what supporting his parents would entail, and that given your financial constraints you probably wouldn't be able to let them continue their lifestyles, anyway?

Would they go see a financial planner? A lot of planners will give a free initial consultation. Sometimes bad news is more palatable when coming from someone on the outside.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 7:35am

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I would suggest that you need to get your husband on board with this: I know that his parents are trying to manipulate him into feeling guilty, but his primary responsibility is to you and your kids. Work out together a plan of campaign: say that you can offer your ILs financial planning help, that if they need help with ideas for either budgetting, or raising more income to fund their chosen lifestyle you can come up with some ideas (businesses, etc), that you will of course look after them if they ever become completely destitute, but at the same time you cannot just give them money that you have earmarked for other priorities. Stress that this doesn't have anything to do with how much you love them, and that you appreciate that they 'deserve' to have fun (even if you don't agree with that, they obviously have some sense of entitlement), but be really firm on saying no. You can't afford it, and it isn't your responsibility to fund their chosen lifestyle, it is theirs.

*hugs*

Kirsty

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2003
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 10:21pm

I understand your husband not wanting to disappoint his parents but he needs to get real. They are 79 and 75 and are using the excuse that they want to ‘live it up’. That is nice and I am sure that a lot of us would want to have their lifestyle when we are that age but what happens if they live well into their late 80’s or 90’s?

Their lack of planning and financial responsibility is their fault. You and your husband have a plan and it is not fair for them to expect you to use your children’s college fund or your retirement. You need to make sure that all financial matters are in both of your names and that nothing can go on behind your back.

It is disgusting that they are living separately on more than your family of 6 does yearly and your H has already asked them to cut back on spending to which they said no. You and your family are not obligated to let them put you into the poor house because they have no self control and it is a shame that they are trying to manipulate your DH into taking care of them.

Simply tell them that they can either cut back and turn their two years worth of money into something to sustain them or that they should be prepared to go down in flames, either way they are grown adults and when it’s gone they’re done and they will not be kept.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 4:58pm

<>

I've seen this type of situation before. I completely agree with you, BUT.

The big BUT is that his parents have from the cradle programmed DH into a belief that he "owes" this to them. Breaking that type of programming is almost impossible. Intellectually he might know that his wife and kids come first, but long-term programming of they deserve it, they raised me, they sacrificed ect ect bla bla crap wins out every time and I'm sure they take every opportunity to remind him just how much they have done/do for him.

They only thing that might help is counseling as someone else suggested. Unfortunately this type of situation is not uncommon and can break up a marriage.

Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 6:45am
It would definitely be the dealbreaker with me. That is for sure. I am all for helping your parents. My husband has fixed things for his parents and for mine. But, there is no way I am financially supporting people if they have just frittered their money away. There is real need and these selfish people in the OP's post, just don't qualify. I hope her husband grows up and realizes that before he loses his wife and family.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 9:47am
The fact of the matter is, they are selfish. They are coming to your and demandin gyou take care of them because they are irresponsible with money. THey know in 2 years they will be on the streets and are using this to get money. It's like a person with a gambling or drug problem. They see nothing but the fun they have with it and if they run out, they expect others to take care of them. It's not fair and I think you need to put your foot down and tell DH that he needs to go to them again and tell them they need to slow down and not spend so much just like he did before. He did right by telling them that. If they refuse then he needs to show them a picture of your 4 children and ask them if they want to take away their grandkid's future. You are saving for retirement and college. This is more important than their dinners out and travels. Set it straight.

<a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wtCMCc4/">
<img border="0" src="http://tickers.Ticker

Pages