wrong not to tell them about a new baby

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
wrong not to tell them about a new baby
13
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 11:48am
My husband and i have decided we are ready to have another baby.
He told his dad whom i like(they are divorced) we have started trying and my family knows but he doesn't want to tell his mother or stepfather,i'm all for that .
I mean I cant stand mil or fil. But I think it's for totally diffrent reasons.
I'm pretty sure he wants to suprise her but I dont want them to have anything to do with my family(read previous posts you'll understand why)
Anyway I just wanted to know how far is too far to go?
They have been terrible to me and dh and I just cant stand the thought of the being around another one of my children.
Once when I was still breastfeeding my daughter before I got a backbone we visited his folks and my baby started to cry b/c she was hungry my mil refused to give her to me for 2 1/2 hours!
I cried the whole time and finally when her company was gone she gave her back to me.
I know I cant keep them out of our lives (trust me i already tried that) but is it wrong to make a list of guidelines for his family? or for my husband to agree to(sometimes he has a hard time standing up to them)?
I know he can't help what they do sometimes, but you know they tried things like givig my baby coke at 3 weeks they also tried to feed her garlic mashed potatos when she wasn't even ready for baby food( I was in the bathroom), they would try take her away from me while i was trying to feed her (from my boob!)
I mean totally wierd things.
Oh yeah the craziest thing was our car didn't have air conditoning and it would get so hot where we live that you could not even breathe when you walked outside, but they would call and get angry because we refused to drive over an hour to their house with our newborn who could have easily suffered heat stroke!
They also got mad when I was pregnant because I would get sick on the way over two mountains and wouldn't eat when we got there or because we couldn't go at all because I threw up most of the time in the car anyway .
So do you think it would be wrong to tell him that nothing like this will happen again anbd if it does certain measures will be taken? I want to tell them up front but I do have to respect my dh's thoughts also and I know he will not go for this he would rather wait.
When do you think would be a good time to do so if you agree with me?
Or if you have any better ideas i would love to hear them.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 12:36pm

I've read your posts about your in-laws in another thread. I'm a little confused about how your husband reacts to his mother and stepfather's treatment of you now. I'm getting that he was not on your side originally but now it. Is that correct?

If your husband has shown that he can and will stand up to his mom and stepdad when needed, then I think your best bet is to decide now how you both will react when these issues come up and then follow through when they occur again. From your description of your MIL, my guess is that a direct confrontation where you lay down the law will just give her more to make drama about. And who needs that? ;)

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Avatar for mom2danjam
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-08-2007 - 3:50pm

I am sorry, but how does someone refuse to give your baby to you? How did you allow this? I would have done everything, even calling the law or smacking her a good one, if she didn't hand me MY child. (No, I am not advocating violence) Where the hell was your DH while your child screamed with hunger and you cried because his "b" of a mother decided your child should not be fed.

Anyone trying to snatch my child from my arms would have gotten a kick.

I wouldn't have any more children with your DH until he either cuts off these abusive people or can guarantee that you and your children won't have to deal with them anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 11:29am
I will always regret not doing someting for my child when I should have it's something that I will never forget. But those types of things will never happen again I talked to dh last night and told him if another child is in our future I don't want them near the delivery room or the hospital for that matter. Last time while I was in labor and having to get up and go to the bathroom and be checked down there she just sat there the whole time. Watching sitting in a hover round.(she had foot surgery 6 weeks before that)
oh and that reminds me that stupid hover round . She was perfectly able to walk on crutches when our child was born but she chose to be lazy and drive that stupid thing around! she brought it into the delivery room and stayed there the whole time it was sooo creepy. then after the baby was born they came to the extremly small recovery room i was in and she actually tried to drive the chair around in the room! and when my fam came to visit (since mil and fil practicly never left) she would park her freaking chair between my hospital bed and them!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 12:42pm

People have the right to be overbaring, inconsiderate, rude, intrusive, etc etc etc. You have the right to not associate with them and not abuse yourself by putting yourself is situations where you endanger yourself or children by associating with them.


Now that you've used your back bone, and your husband is on your side, a second child should theoretically go much more smoothly. You can request that the doctors and nurses keep them out of the room for delivery and recovery. You can ban them from coming at all if you want and the hospital will keep them away.


I wouldn't tell them you were trying to get pregnant. Honestly, I wouldn't tell anyone that you were trying. When you're pregnant though, and noticably so, you'll have to give in and tell them because it'll be obvious. There's no point in telling them before you're pregnant.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 1:03pm

"last night and told him if another child is in our future I don't want them near the delivery room or the hospital"

I don't know your husband. But I had some similar problems with my own, and here is my advice. Don't get pregnant until HE is the one telling YOU, "I am going to make sure my mother is not at the hospital and I will make sure no one ever keeps our baby from you."

If he cannot be man enough, then he is not Dad enough to have two kids. He will let them down. Maybe one child will have to be enough (all that you can handle) since you will have to be both mother and father to him/her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 1:21pm

I was wondering the same thing. In that situation, my MIL or any one else for that matter, would have been torn to shreds if they had refused to hand over my baby the first time I asked.

I agree that mckennagsmom has some issues in her marriage that need to be addressed before bringing another child into it. Why would you even announce to family or anyone that you were "trying to conceive" another child? Sharing too much information about your life and marriage just encourages family members to think they have a right or obligation to intrude. I am all for privacy!!
My husband definitely had a hard time in the beginning of our marriage with boundaries where his mother was concerned, but it was never an issue that I had the last word concerning any and all decisions regarding our babies.

Edited 2/9/2007 1:26 pm ET by fluffy42052




Edited 2/9/2007 1:39 pm ET by fluffy42052
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2006
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 12:12pm
well my husband did tell her anyway. shes angry and i dont care. also my family is very excited about the possibility of a new baby as are we. everyones family is diffrent mine enjoy good news and i do not feel like certain situations should be classified as private.also i would like to take this time to remind you all (and not in a rude way) that this board is about inlaws and not my marriage or any issues with it. i was very hurt that you would try to analyze my life and my husband. i know that i may write him off as a jerk but it isnt always that way only when i'm upset with his family.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 1:29pm

Sorry if my response offended you. Obviously you have not read extensively on this board enough to know that the majority of IL problems are with the husbands' mothers. That is because many many husbands don't know how to stand up to or separate from their mothers when they marry. The wife is there to fend for herself against all manner of abuses from her MIL and the husband is blind to it taking place before him. All of his life, in most cases, his mother has come first. That changes abruptly the day he marries, but he does not always know how to do that or make the transfer in loyalties easily. Most times counseling for the wife and husband or better communication within the marriage can work wonders. Rarely can we change what the people outside our own homes do or say, but by a united front with our husbands, unbearable situations can be easier.

If you allow or wish ILs, both sets, to know intimate details within your marriage and life, you are inviting them to comment, judge and voice their opinions which may not always agree with your own. Just accept that is what you have asked for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:44pm

As much as I agree and sympathize with you, I do not think it is wise to keep your MIL or FIL from your child if they are not a danger to them. Your child will resent you for this one day.

BUT

You MUST put your foot down when they try to take over. I would have come unglued if anyone including my own DH refused to give me my own child to feed. I also would have smacked someone if they tried to remove my child from my breast. No way would that happen. And to offer things to a baby that he/she is not ready for? Where was your DH during all of this....with his finger up his butt???? Can he not speak up?

You do not have to tell anyone you are trying for another...it is best not to anyway. But you HAVE TO put your foot down with DH and tell him that he needs to support you and grow some balls. If he refuses to, then you take over and speak up. It's your child, not their's

Peace,

Melissa

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 2:58pm

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I couldn't agree more. I think that when I am TTC, it is a private matter. What if it takes a while? What if I never conceive? The family is then hovering like a packs of wild dogs over the last piece of meat and there I am vulnerable to it all and forced to answer questions about why I'm not pregnant yet. I do understand the joys it brings when you are TTC and the feeling of wanting to share that your family may grow is hard to hide, but for me, it is best to. I know both sides and how they act.

I hope OP will speak up or at least make her husband say something in her honor. I agree that guys just cannot cut those apron strings and walk away from mommy. I hope that I am different when it comes to my son. I strive to show him that the wife is his new love and that she shall be his life once he marries her.

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