In-law/baby issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2007
In-law/baby issues
4
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 7:16pm
My husband and I have been married nearly 2 years, and we are trying for a baby. We live about 6 hours away from his family. I have a problem with his father, but MIL & SIL are ok (in small doses). Anyway, I have been thinking about if/when we have a baby...and based on how the in-laws are now, I will not ever want to leave my baby in their care. Ever. They chain-smoke, they drink wine like it's water, and my FIL is what I consider verbally abusive. My husband and I have also talked about if/when a baby comes, who would we leave it with if something happened to us? He suggested his sister, but she is also a chain-smoker, as well as a drug user. I didn't say no, but just kind of shrugged and said we would figure all that out later. Another thing is, if/when I get pregnant, I will not go and visit them in their house, because they smoke w/ no ventilation, and there is a layer of smoke & nicotine on everything. It's disgusting. I can barely stand it when I'm sober and not pregnant. I've told him this, and he hasn't really said anything about it. I guess my fear is that these issues are going to cause major problems in the future. How can I get a handle on them before that time actually comes?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2007
In reply to: kc423
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 10:18pm
Oh my heart goes out to you!! Right now everything you are talking about is so "if the future." When you guys get pregnant and you see your baby's heart beating your instinct is going to be to protect your baby at ALL costs!! We all know that second hand smoke is HORRIBLE for children and unborn babies. That is your first reponsibility-your baby who can't stand up for itself. You should print out articles and show him sections of your baby books about how bad it is for the unborn baby or young child to be around smoking. If that doesn't work enlist your doctor! As for leaving your children with his family, there is NO REASON that you have to leave your children with his family just because it is family. You have to look out for the best interest of your child, what would be the easiest for your child to be with. It does not have to be family, many times it can be your good friends or neighbors. My husband and I can't agree on ANY family members and are deciding on friends. The most important thing is that you and your husband become a team around your baby. That is what matters. I wish you the best, in-laws are tricky business.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: kc423
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 12:40pm

"when I get pregnant, I will not go and visit them in their house, because they smoke w/ no ventilation... I've told him this, and he hasn't really said anything about it."

This could be a very very bad situation. I don't know your husband, but I fear you are putting the cart before the horse. How can you continue happily trying to make a baby without knowing FOR SURE that your husband will protect it from chain smokers and winos?

In this case, silence is not golden. Silence may mean that he does not agree, and will take his child to see his mom whenever he pleases. You need to have his whole-hearted support, and you need to know he will give his life to protect you and your child. If he cannot give you that, why would you risk your life to give him a baby?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: kc423
Tue, 02-13-2007 - 5:33pm

Hi Kc423, welcome to the board!

I think you should be discussing these issues with your DH now before you become pregnant. The two of you need to come to an understanding on how you will handle his family when you become pregnant. What about your family or friends that you could babysit? Neighbors?

As for not visiting them, you have every right not to visit and your husband should understand that if you are pregnant that you don't want to be around that type of environment. Also, after the baby is born that you don't want your baby subjected to that environment either. Your husband should understand. If he doesn't, then you have some things that I think that need to be worked through before you become pregnant. Just my opinion.








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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: kc423
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 7:34am

I think you are being very sensible and thinking about these things now, ahead of time. But at the same time, I would say to you that the last thing you need to be doing right now is stressing about getting a rigid set of rules in place for every eventuality. The most important thing is to sit down with your husband and make sure he understands your fears, and your priorities, and supports you. So you need to get him on board with the idea that the health of you and your baby are absolute priorities, and that you do not want to be put in any situation that makes you feel uncomfortable or threatened. Appeal to his 'daddy instincts' here :-)

From that, everything else should flow. Relax, don't stress about his family, concentrate on you, DH and your family. It may take a while to get pregnant anyway, and even if you got pregnant *today* you still have over 9 months to work on the details. *The most important thing* is getting your DH to support you. Together, you can work out what rules and details are appropriate, whether that's that the family visit you, and can't smoke or drink while they are there, rather than you visiting them, or that you only visit them with DH and you stay in a motel and they either have to not smoke around you, or you only visit in neutral, smoke/drink free places etc. I would counsel against a 'I am not visiting your family or leaving the baby with them, full stop' approach because that will in all likelihood alienate your DH - he loves his family, just as you love yours, with all their faults and I can't see him wanting to cut himself off completely from them, or being happy with the idea of them having nothing at all to do with their new grandson/daughter. But if you and DH are singing from the same hymnsheet it will probably be easier than you think to get some ground rules and boundaries set that you are all comfortable with.

hth

Kirsty