Should his mom be asking him for money??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Should his mom be asking him for money??
4
Sat, 02-10-2007 - 4:32pm

Let me start by saying that I live with the best BF ever. We've been together a year and a half. He's very kind-hearted, compassionate and giving...to his detriment. His parents are divorced (due to his mom's open infidelity, which I believe has caused trust problems with women...her first contribution to our relationship). She has since remarried to a man that BF doesn't really care for. I've been told by BF that she pretty much grew up like a princess and expects the best of the best when it comes to material things. I've never spoken to or met her, although she seems to have formed opinions on me, that I'm after BF's money, even though I've never taken a dime from him until he OFFERED to help me recently with tuition for a class I'm taking. I personally think she's afraid that I know what she's up to. Read on...

BF has a checking account with her, even though he's 29 and lives in a different state (AHEM). She sort of helps herself, like at Thanksgiving two years when BF just happened to notice his ATM balance was lower than he expected and he calls her. She admits to taking several hundred dollars for "groceries" because they "didn't have any milk", even though I think it was to Christmas shop. [Part of why I think this is because she and her husband live in a very nice house, in a nice part of town and they both drive nicer cars than we do. In other words, no one is starving and the electricity is not going to get shut off). She also asks for (and receives) extravagant gifts from him, on behalf of her little grandson, which she knows tugs at my BF's heart (the infamous $1,000+ plasma t.v. for a 6-year-old -- which is why I didn't feel so bad about the tuition money given that I feel it's an investment in my and BF's future together). The latest: she works sort of like a free-agent in sales, and has to pay to keep her spot in the parent company. So she calls yesterday and tells BF that she can't pay and asks if he would. Let's also add that her 26-year-old daughter (BF's sister, mother of the little grandson) lives with her and HAS NO JOB and can't seem to get her act together because she might miss a party or two. I'd also like to add that my hours at work got cut recently and I GOT AN ADDITIONAL JOB. BF's response was that he'll be 'glad when she's gainfully employed' and I'm assuming he gave her the cash like he always does. I am thinking that whatever she actually IS bringing in is going to the unemployed daughter (whom BF can't stand) because BF's mom has gone out of her way before to give to her when she gets herself in messes (i.e. giving her a $1K on a credit card advance). I think the two women play my BF frequently, knowing that if they spend their money on themselves and grandson needs something like school clothes, BF will always come through...is this what's called "enabling"???

Here's why this really, REALLY upsets me: BF and I recently had "the talk" about where our relationship was heading when he said that he doesn't want to get engaged at least for a year citing financial reasons (possible job change). Now...when he gives in to her, doesn't that mean that it's taking away from "us" and prolonging our life goals? Aside from that, I don't want to live the rest of my life, especially when we've talked about one of us giving up our job when/if we have kids, thinking that this woman is going to keep coming to him to get her out of financial trouble again. Or worse--him doing it behind my back, which I would consider lying and deceiving. And I think that checking account needs to go too. What do you guys think??

I'm hoping to hear from some of you who have already married into situations like this--What advice do you have for me to address this??? Thanks all!




Edited 2/10/2007 4:34 pm ET by sable_halloran07
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Sun, 02-11-2007 - 12:52pm

Hey There

He needs to stand up for himself and put some boundaries with his mother if he does not even when you married him he will never change I got divorced from a man that had his family control him at the end he kicked me out of his life for his family never cared for me and since its really between him and his mom for now then he needs to step up the to plate and tell her to back off when it comes to the money I wouldn't marry him until he resolves the controlling mother once and for all good luck to you HUGS

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2006
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 12:19pm

I think there are two issues here. One is the chequing account itself which, I agree, needs to go asap. There is no reason for them to have a joint account and your BF's money should be his own. If he can separate himself financially, at least she'll have to ask for a loan rather than just helping herself. At least he'll have the opportunity to make a decision to loan it to her or not. He may still decide to loan or give them the money. My DH's father is like this. He'll ask for a loan knowing full well he never intends to pay it back.

Secondly, you guys need to set some ground rules. When I became financially linked to my DH which was when we moved in together, we had some very long discussions about lending his father money and set some rules under which we would discuss it first. The other rule was that straight cash was out of the question. If he needed new towels or some groceries, we would talk about it and go get it for him. If he asks for cash... the answer is no.

Of course, just my opinion, but I hope this helps all the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 12:32pm

His mother knows that any woman in her son's life is going to come between herself and the free access to son's cash. So when she intimates that you are "after his money," she is not wrong. You want him to keep his money himself. You wish to change the good thing she's got going.

If your goal is to have kids, and give your kids a stay at home parent, then you would be VERY VERY WISE to wait for a man who will give his children and his wife top priority. Your BF is not that man, yet. I don't know if he ever can be. But if he says he wants to become that man, it doesn't mean he will succeed. WAIT.

Wait until he IS that man. Then you can consider marriage and kids. Don't put yourself in a position of hoping he will change. Enjoy today, and don't do anything that ties you to this man with any permanence. (Don't make promises, don't make big sacrifices and don't make large joint purchases.) If he does change, great. If he doesn't, you will move on and find a guy who suits your plans better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Mon, 02-12-2007 - 9:53pm

Thanks for your reply!

We had the discussion about getting rid of the checking account, (in case I didn't add, he had her one there originally supposedly because he went overseas to Afghanistan so that she could help him if he needed something paid here I guess. BUT, he had online access everyday, and there isn't one bill that I can think of that can't get paid online anymore...hmmm...).

Back to the discussion--he got a little snippy and said that it would be too difficult to remove her as he'd have to fill out a different form for direct deposit, for his expense account reimbursment, etc. saying that it would be too much trouble. I countered this with the fact that I moved several states away to be with him, which was indeed much more trouble. He then said that he'd "take her off" but he won't close that particular account. Now it's my understanding that you can't just take someone off a joint account, but that you have to close it and open a whole new one. I don't think he really means he's going to do it. And he said "What's going to happen if I get called overseas again?" and she needs to help him do whatever she does with the account. Hello!!! We share toilet paper! What about me!!! But I guess that's out thanks to his best friend's wife who cheated on him in their own house while he was in Iraq and then cleaned him out before he came home and then divorced him. Because that happens all the time. I think we're just avoiding the elephant in the room here, don't you?

That's fine if he doesn't want ME on there (I have my own account as well that I will always keep separate), but then maybe he could put his Dad on there instead of his mother. At least he doesn't steal and doesn't appear to be mentally ill.

He keeps saying that she doesn't have access to it, and I have to remind him that she TOOK money without asking (so right there she has some kind of access), and that she could write a check for any amount and he'd be responsible. He says she doesn't have any of his checks (which I don't believe either). Well, all that involves is a trip to the bank. It disturbs me that I think he tries to bend the truth/lie to cover her up. I only know bits and pieces of things, imagine all the things she's done that I don't know about! What to do!!!