Conflict between grandmothers

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Conflict between grandmothers
3
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 7:59am

I'm caught in the middle between my MIL and M who have very different styles of grandmothering, which is causing some conflict and problems. I have 3 kids (DS1, 8, DS2, 4 and DD, 14m) and both grandmothers live about 5 hrs away (one 5 hrs drive, 1 a 5hr flight) so when they visit it is for a long stay (usually up to a week, or more) rather than seeing them regularly at weekends etc. We try not to overlap the visits because they don't get on, but of course around Xmas, birthdays and other special occassions that is impossible because everyone wants to be together.

The problem is that my M is incredibly generous - probably too generous - with her time and particularly her money. She always brings the kids presents, and when she comes to stay takes them out on daytrips (eg to the beach, zoo, museums etc). She's always been very generous, and raised me to be so too, but this does mean that when Nana stays life is one long round of excitement, and the kids of course adore her and her visits. Plus she is a teacher, and so is used to being around children, and even when she isn't spoiling them always has lots of fun activities to do with them. My MIL loves the kids no less, but is very very careful with money, and is much stricter, and consequently doesn't bring them gifts, or take them places. Even if I prompt her, and give her the money, she is unwilling to even shell out for a busfare to the park with themm. Consequently the kids do not seem to get on as well with her. And even though I try my hardest *not* to compare, I find her attitude and behaviour with the kids difficult too. This last visit I racked my brains for free, or low-cost activities for them to do together, and gave her money so she wouldn't be out of pocket if she did take them out, but she still won't do anything much with them.

MIL of course thinks M spoils the kids, and M thinks MIL is mean with them. They can both be quite snarky about each other, although they do make an effort to get on when they are together. Of course my natural tendency is to favour my M - I share her view on the importance of generosity and wouldn't dream of visiting a neice or nephew without taking a gift - but I do my best to appreciate my MIL for who she is, not who I would like her to be.

Things are coming to a head because of a family holiday, organised and scheduled by MIL for the Easter holidays, which doesn't include my M. I don't really want to go because it means I miss seeing my M (who incidentally has non-Hodgkin's lympoma, so I am additionally aware that time with her is limited and precious) but it is now all arranged. We are, (of course!) all paying for ourselves, but I can see real problems on the actual holiday because of our differing attitudes to money (I will want to take the kids out for actitivities and meals, and MIL will want to stay in the house!)....I am starting to feel a lot of resentment towards MIL, her attitude, and the effects it has on my kids.

How do I cope with this all? How do I go on this holiday and be nice to MIL when her attitude drives me up the wall? How do I deal with the fact that the kids go wild with excitement at M's visits, but are cool and polite to MIL and don't really engage with her as much? I know MIL loves them, just shows it in a very different way, and I don't really want my kids to be spoilt and easily bought. But at the same time, kids *are* easily bought, and really, a stick of gum from a service station costs nearly nothing and would have them just as excited as the expensive toys Nana brings.

It isn't an income issue - both women are fairly comfortably off (not rich, but by no means in the poorhouse), just have completely different attitudes to money and gifts.

Any ideas, insight or wisdom appreciated,

Kirsty

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 9:54am

How about when MIL visits, *Dad* and Grandma take the kids to do things? She's more likely to "go along" 'cause it's *her* baby going with, the kids get special time with Dad - and Grandma. Does MIL have any hobbies or areas of expertise that could get worked into activities with the kids?

Please do not vent to your mother about MIL. Your mother is *not* a neutral third party, she is part of the issue. And ask DH not to vent to *his* mother about *your* mother for the same reason. And if questions are asked, vague answers and deflections may be key. Each Grandma needs to deal with her own relationship with the kids, not "compete" with each other.

If MIL is disinterested in doing things with the kids even with your DH along, then she'll just have to accept the consequences of her choices.

HTH.

ilve2read

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2007
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 1:34pm

Also keep in mind that maybe MIL doesn't feel like she is able to handle the kids alone. ALso she could have physical ailments that she hasn't discussed. As far as your mom you might ask her to tone down just a bit some of the things she is doing b/c it is just too much sometimes and you don't want the kids to expect something EVERYTIME.

It goes both ways

Frances


Proud Wife & SAHM

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2006
Thu, 02-15-2007 - 6:54pm

You are not caught in the middle. You are a married woman and a mother, you are on the side of your family: husband and children. The Mothers in-law are equally outsiders to your family and it is not up to you to ensure they get along or respond to your family equally. They have different ways of grandmothering. Your case sounds identical to my own mother/MIL situation. You know what I do? I keep out of it. It's not my business. I don't expect MIL to entertain my children when she visits, and I tell my own mother that she doesn't need to be so lavishing with the goodies, because my kids don't need to look at Nana as an open wallet. But I stay out of anything they have to do with each other. The next time one of them says something about the other, you'd do yourself a favor to put a stop to it immediately. Saying "I know you two don't get on too well and that's fine, but please stop telling me because I don't want your problems with each other effecting my relationship with either of you."


Why don't you and your husband trade off on the holidays, or stay home all together and have them come to you. That's what I suggest. You can't please them both all the time. Go for Easter and do what you want with the children, your MIL's involvement level is completely hers to have and accept the consequences (sitting home alone) to live with.


I know you are worried and scared for what the future holds for your mother with her Lympoma, but she could live to a ripe old age and MIL could get hit by a bus the day after Easter, and then just think of how precious and limited that time with her was, KWIM? All time is precious and limited. I highly suggest staying home. You've got three kids and a husband that you are obligated to. If any outside family members want to be spending the particular holiday with you two and the kids, they can come to you.

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