Anyone tried counseling???
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| Thu, 02-15-2007 - 4:45pm |
Has anyone here tried counseling for their issues with the inlaws?
I made an appointment with a counselor for next week. I'm really excited, but a little skeptical as well. One of my FSIL's is hurting my relationship with my fiance. She ignores me or will only talk to me if I have directly asked her a question. When she does answer my question, she won't look at me. She says terribly mean things about other people and mean things about my ideas and aspirations. Every wedding plan that I have mentioned to her, she has referred to as "stupid" or "not something she would do". When my fiance and I got engaged she didn't even say congratulations. In an attempt to get closer with his sisters, I asked them to be bridesmaids, but I guess that wasn't such a good idea because that has just given them more things to complain about. They haven't offered to help with anything, just complained about everything.
I had the realization of needing counseling when my fiance reminded me that it was his dads birthday next week and I was instantly dreading having to go to his parents house and be around her.
I am so quiet around his family because his sisters exclude and ignore me. They make me feel so unwelcome and constantly remind me that I'm not a member of their family. I feel like I'm back in high school and they are the "cool clique" and I am the big dork.
I am kind, well educated, and I treat my fiance wonderfully. We have a beautiful life together. I am truly a good person, but sometimes I wonder if they think I'm not good enough.
For my future husbands sake, I really want to get along with his sisters, but they don't seem to have any interest in getting to know me or getting along with me. My fiance was extremely close to his sisters before he and I met, and he gets upset with me when I'm quiet around them and accusses me of not liking his family ~ it's terribly hurtful because I really do want to have a good relationship with them.
Any advice would be wonderful.
THANKS SO MUCH
Edited 2/15/2007 4:54 pm ET by dancerjen

So, how would he like it if he were ignored or treated badly? Would he be friendly and want to be friends with those people, then?
I am curious as to how he reacts when his sisters treat you that way? I am guessing he doesn't do a damn thing or correct them, which is wrong.
I would get it straightened out before you go any further. You deserve someone who will not allow their family of origin to treat you like dirt.
Are you planning counseling with your fiance? I think that would be best. That way you can both bring up issues with the idea of working together to decide how to deal with things as a family.
It would also help fiance see that his wife should not have to suck up to his sisters and be a punching bag for immature bullies. If anything, his sisters should have to suck up to his wife in order to see *him*, 'cause you and fiance will be, you know, a *FAMILY*. They will be *extended* family and not the center of his little world, and the sooner they *and your fiance* (what the heck is he thinking?) realize that, the happier things will be.
Good luck to you, I hope fiance grows up before the wedding.
ilve2read
Thank you all for your replies! I have spoken with my fiance about how they ignore me and make me feel like an outcast. He has admitted to knowing that his sisters have attitude. He said he thinks that his sister is jealous that he and I are getting married and she isn't even though she has been with her boyfriend for 7 years. Most of the time he doesn't see it though because he is being fawned over so much by his sisters.
I am going to counseling alone. I want to work on it and gather the tools to take back to him so that I can open his eyes to what they're doing, and also the tools to use to get through to his sisters that I'm not going anywhere and that I am a great person.
We did~~our problem was/is MIL. DH was almost 40 when we got married, he had never introduced any women to his family~~because they are all a bunch of control freaks. I was ok with MIL as long as I was just the "lady friend" but once we decided to get married, the kid gloves came off. She had an opinion about how we should get married~~{I had been married before, had 3 dd's,we had talked about just the 2 of us running off to Las Vegas and getting married and then coming home and having nice reception at our house, but nixed it as it would upset her by not having her at our wedding, so next ideal was my parents were married Sept 8th 1956, his parents Sept 8,1957~~so we thought hey we would do it on what would of been my parents 45 wedding anniversary/his parents 44th (his parents were divorce, my parents are both deceased & his dad is too) MIL flipped, she tried everything she could to get us to change our plans~~she thought it was tacky that we wanted to get married in the church because I was divorced (first married was by JP), that I wanted to wear white dress (really Ivory) then she came to us and "I know why you picked the day you did, but thats not a good enough reason, I want to go on a month long trip to Australia~~so could you either move the wedding up a month or back a month"? (We were married in 2001) DH stood up to MIL, BIL was best man & my sister was Maid of Honor and neither of them could be there in August, so dh told MIL go ahead and go to Australia, we will have lots of photos and video for you to see when you get back. She would of been due back into the country on Sept 13th, 2001~~she got her knickers in a knot because dh stood up to her. And she didn't take her trip (wise move on her part)
We ended up in counseling because he refused to stand up to her for me~~he was telling her every thing I was telling him she said to me. We were in pre-marriage counseling and after we were marriage and both the minister and counselor told him the same thing. His mother, he was suppose to take my side and put momma in her place. I wasn't suppose to fight his battles for him.
Sam
Sam,
After the counselor told your husband that he had to put his mom in her place, how did he react? Did he take their advise? I agree with the counselor. I've been married for over 10+ years and just now my husband is coming around to my side. It took some time and believe me I was ready to throw in the towel many times but he finally realized that our children and I were his priority. He still sometimes gets bullied by crazy MIL & SIL but he snaps out of it pretty quickly since he knows now that they both are toxic to our marriage/family.
He did for a little while and then falls right back into his old ways~~it drives me crazy. So I just quit talking to him about her. Thats what I come to these boards for. It came to a head about 2 years after we were married, I had fallen up at Mt Rainier Park (we live in Washington state)and injured my knee and leg & foot and had to have 2 surgeries~1 on my knee 1 year and then the next year on my leg & foot (which was that year) and we had gone just 18 days after my surgery to the family cabin (MIL had called & tried to cancelled the second surgery on my leg/foot, but the Dr's office called me & asked me why I wanted to cancel the surgery so I was able to stop her nonsense)anyways~~MIL demanded that BIL bring out his 2 dd's who were 5 & 2 (I was in a cast up to my knee and was under Dr's order to sit with my leg up and to rest & I had told MIL this~~MIL expected me to chased after these 2 little girls who didn't/still don't mind anyone)The little one fell into the cheek not once but twice and my dh fished her out twice~~well I told her & BIL off, this wasn't our child/grandchild, we didn't bring her out there THEY had and it wasn't right for them to expect either dh or I to watch either of these children. MIL went physco on me called me fat,lazy and a witch with a b. I asked what did you call me (now BIL is just sitting there just listening to this exchange going on between the two of us) his face had just white: it was the last morning out there, at breakfast, I wasn't talking (and if you know me, I'm a chatter box, so dh should of known something was up) I was polite, but that was it, and after breakfast, I had our SUV packed so fast it would of made your head spin~~it took me a good week to tell him what happen. It took him a good 6 months to ask MIL or BIL about it (BIL back up my side) MIL has since admitted that she went over board and shouldn't of said what she said to me~~but she has never apology to me. DH had told me that much, but I'm not holding my breath. She wants to be the Queen Bee out at the cabin, thats fine, but she will do it without me being her drone bee~~I've not been out there since. I've told dh I will not go out there ever again with the family, with him fine, them no. It's bad enough to even to have holiday dinner with them. I get so stressed that I have muscle spams from the stress. I can only take them in very small doses.
Sam
Deciding to see a therapist is never, in my opinion, a BAD idea, but you have to be prepared for what you discover through that therapy. My ex had so much pressure from his family that no amount of counseling would have kept us together. Some men just can't make the connection....that once he commits to a relationship, THAT relationship takes over as most important in his life. He will always have mom, dad, brother or sis, but you, as his girlfriend/fiance/wife are number one now. If he can't see that, or if you know that's just not going to be the reality for you two, counseling will only help to make it clearer that you don't belong together. And just as I've heard it so many times since my last counseling session....better that you know now, before you get further invested. Keep an open mind, work hard, compromise when possible, but don't settle for less than what you deserve as the woman he's chosen to be with.
I wish you the best. Let us know what insights you gain into your relationship.