Inlaws and pregnancy
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| Mon, 02-19-2007 - 12:21pm |
I'm a lurker finally coming out for advice re my difficult inlaws.
I'm 36 wks pregnant with our second baby - a girl! We already have a little boy so this is amazing - even more that it's the first girl in 4 generations on my husband's side!
My inlaws have been an honest challenge probably since we got engaged. DH's GM (MIL's mom) had mental illness and could be incredibly hurtful to her family - and MIL is repeating these patterns of behavior more and more as she gets older. Bigger problem = all the women in DH's family seem to have these wounds, and behavior, and are very insecure as a group - huge need to feel 'superior' to other women all the time. Challenge is, they have never worked, volunteered, want to be a certain look but struggle with their weight, etc. I, unfortunately here, have always been a bit of a go-getter - lots of education, really good job/career I work incredibly hard at, I'm in a band - which is an evening a week and lots of fun!, love to cook, am naturally slim (this really bothers them for some reason) and get up early in the morning to work out, etc. I am criticized a pretty incredible amount for these things either straight out to me at times or to others they don't realize know me and it gets back, and I live with it - though their lack of caring and support certainly hurts.
Here's the thing. They have always made a HUGE deal out of my SIL's (BIL's wife's) pregnancies - both of them: showers, spa morning, chocolates, shopping trips, presents, calls, emails, etc. I know b/c I was there and a big part of. They had a shower for me when I was pregnant with our son, so that was nice. Thing is, this time they were freaking out b/c it's a girl -- my MIL had only boys and they are all about the girl stuff. They were throwing me a HUGE shower, dates picked and all, and that I needed to be pampered while pregnant with a girl - so brunch and morning of hitting baby stores to happen, and all this huge talk. But here I am with 4 weeks left to go and no one has ever even called - let alone emailed. Certainly no shower, but honestly no anything. My huband travels for work and was gone most of Jan/Feb - with big winter storms and me home alone with a toddler - still no calls. It's really very hurtful - I am feeling quite tender about this. I believe it's nothing so intentional as simply very neglectful -- they live in a SUPER small world, and rarely think outside of it unless they feel intimidated or insecure, then it comes roaring out in criticism/judgement or silence/exclusion (usually at me!). I have a good handle on this as last year finally realized I had to start putting some boundaries in place and met with a counsellor for three sessions - my DH joining for one. It was great!!! Needed to know this all wasn't simply in my head, as DH has a very hard time dealing with this issue - and he assured me/us it certainly wasn't and gave me fantastic techniques for dealing with my wounded inlaw femmes.
Guess I'm just incredibly hurt, and bracing for the inevitable which will be 1-2 weeks left to due date they'll suddenly all turn up in a tidal wave of suddenly NOW wanting to be a part of everything. It's going to be a huge thing when our daughter is born - but I was clearly ignored the entire time. I quickly mentioned how I feel to my husband two weeks ago and he understood, though was a bit defensive that maybe they feel I don't need to be supported, or have something planned and haven't told me yet. But an entire pregnancy with not one phone call, or to tell me to set weekends aside for a February shower and never plan it? To shower one DIL and nothing whatsoever for the other? I have always tried my hardest to please them - but have realized this has only resulted in making things easier for them to criticize and judge.
What do you think?? Should I be super hurt? Am I justified to feel super angry here? (hormones may be included :) I've done everything possible to make them happy -- just don't know what to do. But now honestly starting to not care at the same time, even if it is DH's family -- I am starting to want them out of my life as this ever-hurt just isn't worth it.
Sorry for the long entry. Let me know what y'all think!!! I'd really appreciated it!

I'm so sorry your going thru this. I won't allow them any where near either of your children once your dd's is born. For them to not to call & check on you is just awful.
Sam
"They live in a SUPER small world, and rarely think outside of it unless they feel intimidated or insecure, then it comes roaring out in criticism/judgement or silence/exclusion."
Rleng,
See? You already know the answer to your question.
My advice? Stop expecting these people to behave the way you WANT them to and start accepting the fact they aren't going to do or be what you need and want. If you have no expectations of them they can't affect your joy.
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I went through a similar thing. My third child was nearly 6 yrs after the middle one. We had given away or sold everything and thought we were not having any more kids. We also went through being out of our home due to hurricane damage during this last pregnancy. We managed to get what we needed by way of yard sales, Freecycle and we did get a few gifts, for which we were thankful. But, no baby shower. I didn't really expect one, but it sure would have been nice.
A year later, DH's oldest niece is pregnant with her fourth. Only a couple of years between her last and third. She is given a HUGE shower, with many family and friends. I did not attend. It even pissed DH off. But of course, nothing was said. But, I made my feelings known. Of course I didn't blame the niece. But it was hurtful and I won't forget it. I can forgive, but it is just yet ANOTHER nail in the coffin as far as I am concerned, of being part of that "family". I am civil and actually friendly, but I don't call any of them anymore, and don't actively try to be part of things. Once DH's parents are gone, I will have nothing to do with the rest unless I want to, when I want to.
Heck, even when we had our son's first birthday party, some of the aunts brought gifts for the niece's daughter, whose birthday was later in the week. I couldn't even have ONE day for that child that was not being taken over or shared with one of their kids. I usually wouldn't have minded, but I wasn't even asked how I felt about it. They just came in bearing gifts for the niece's daughter at our son's party.
I have stopped expecting a damn thing. But I don't attend their craptaculars anymore either, unless I feel like it. DH knows better than to say a darn word about it, too. Of course he goes into his "you are so petty" mode, but that is okay.
Edited 2/20/2007 7:58 am ET by mom2danjam