HELP!!!! (sorry it's long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2006
HELP!!!! (sorry it's long)
Mon, 02-19-2007 - 1:17pm

HI, I'm new here but I sure need help/advice on dealing with my MIL and SIL!

Ok here's some background, my MIL has been widowed for about 10 years. When my FIL died he did not leave a will, etc any estate planning. He also owned a lot of stocks, etc that left my MIL a wealthy woman. On top of that they owned a home in an upscale part of MA that was worth about 1 million dollars. My MIL is feeble minded at best. Never understood even the basics of a checkbook nevermind trusts, estates, etc. Needless to say there was a lot of detective work to do to figure out where the $ was in the first place as my FIL did this as a hobby with different brokers, even under different names (dont'ask!) LOL Anyways, my DH and I used to go down to her house weekly to help clean the house (it was in deplorable conditions even for such a high pricetag-more location that the actual house if you understand). She had borders living there from when my FIL was alive that were not the nicest people around. In fact one day a police officer from the town she lived in called us about who lived there and all and expressed concerns for her well being as there were convicted felons living with her!! AGH!

On top of this my DH is the youngest of 4 children-1 lived with MIL at this time but didn't bother with her much and 1 SIL lived in FL and the other SIL who is in MA never came by even with much asking by us.

Ok, so after we figured out the financial pic we go shopping for a retirement community for her, she was 75 at the time and not doing well walking but for the most part able to take care of herself. I did alot of research on places around Boston-she didn't want to leave the city-or so she said.

Ok more history, I had 2 children while we were figuring all the stuff out with MIL and we weren't going every weekend because of the kids (neither were her 2 other children who also live in the area with teenage children) All in all it took us over 5 years for us to get her to agree to move and it was only when her financial advisor told her she could no longer afford the taxes, upkeep any longer that she agreed to move.

We had been talking about an additon for our house and even re-financed to do so then we changed our mind and we were going to move ourselves as the addition was more than we could afford. One day while we were looking at places for her she suggested paying for an additon to our house for an in-law apt. Initally I was resistant because she is not very clean and a pack rat but I thought if she had her own apt seperated from us it would be doable. BIG MISTAKE

This was a large project as my house was small to begin with an in order to put an apt on for her we needed to expand our house tremoundously. It took us over 1 1/2 years, our needing to relocate temporarily while the house was under construction, lots of bills, my mortgage going up $400 a month by the end due to increased taxes and insurance. So, my MIL gave us alot of $$. Now initally we sat down with her lawyer and financial advisor and drew up a plan that for every month she lived here we would "earn" off the inheritance her "rent" because we all know it cost $$ to live anywhere in the world right? Her financial advisor recommended at that time that instead of all the "credit" be in the form of coming off the inheritance that some actual $ come from my MIL now to help with the here and now bills as we have 2 small children and daycare costs, etc. So one day my DH calls me to ask for a figure on what we wanted the monthly rent to be to us and the difference was going to be our "credit" to the estate. See she's elderly and if she died we would still owe his siblings what she gave us to build this house, I agree with that since it's not fair to them to them.

Well, my SIL in Fl found out about the rent and blew her stack, how we're taking advantage of her, didn't understand the sliding scale and how we're trying to be honest and not take advantage of her. So last year my MIL decided to make the $ she gave us an upfront advance on our inheritance and so when she dies the amount of $ she gave us comes off and split 3 ways and the remainder 4 ways. When she did this my DH and I decided that we were going to raise the rent to more market value, including the phone,cable, elec, heat, ac, etc. Now everyone is upset saying how can we be charging her rent, how we're taking advantage of her, WHAT????

Also, since then my SIL in FL has recieved over $20,000 tax free gift (no one else has) and no reduction in her inheritance because it's "not fair" that we got the "money now for the house and how we are charging rent to pay our bills." No one can see that we are in fact saving the family $ even by charging rent since this is now our inheritance we can do what we want right?? We are letting her live her for 1/3 less than most retirement community cost on a monthly basis. Why should we pay for her to live when we are not getting any credit for this initial inheritance?

Help!! Now my SIL in Fl wants to be trustee, my DH is trustee so we see how $ leaves her actts (that's how we found out about the $20,000) I don't trust her, and I hate my MIL for stabbing my DH in the back with is his siblings. My MIL is difficult to live with and has become impossible for me as she has ruined any good will I had towards her for a variety of reasons (too long to mention here)

I want her to move out since I see that we have no responsibility to her any longer as she has made this $ out of my DH inheritance and at this moment I don't care if we're saving her $$ any more she needs to go!!!

HELP!!! Are we off base?

Beth