VERY DIFFICULT DILEMA THAT I HAVE
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| Tue, 04-07-2009 - 4:37pm |
Hello,
This is my first time posting here because I really don't know who to turn to on this one. I have a very controlling manipulative mother. I am the youngest of 5 but even though I am a grown woman (39 yo) she STILL treats me like a kid. She nags at me when she comes to visit, about cleanliness, if I have ironed my daughter's uniform (who is now 15 years old) and can iron her own clothes!!
But that isn't even the issue.. My mother plain and simple doesn't like my husband, never did, never will, for reasons that she may only know. To make a long story not so long, I was married at 19 and divorced at 26 and have a daughter from that marriage. I was single for almost 7 years before I met my current husband. She is deep down inside angry that someone took me away from her so to speak. She thought I would never remarry again. When I was dating my husband, she had someone scratch his car, she once called him and told him nasty things about me so that he would stop dating me.. etc..
My husband put all those things in the past and has accepted her in our life even knowing that she is not too fond of him. Anyways, my husband is up to the point that now he doesn't want her in our house ever again.. We live about 1 1/2 from my mother so I don't get to see her often but I do speak to her over the phone almost every day to see how she is doing..
The reason why my husband is done with her is because the last time that she was here, my mother plain and simple was criticizing my husbands two nieces, stupid things, like the way they dress, wear their hair, etc (mind you they are only 5 and 2 years old!!)
So I know that my mother is not the nicest person on the planet and I do side with my husband on this one about her coming up here, especially since dh told me that my mother was telling my mother in law that day that she had to come up to my house to help me clean the house because my house was dirty and that I didn't clean it.. I am so angry at my mother and very embarrassed with my MIL because that is not the truth. thank God dh told my MIL that I do clean, maybe not to my mother's standards, but my house is clean to our standards,,
So I guess my question is, how do I deal know with family get togethers and holidays when I will not accept my mother in my house. I am supposed to see her for Mother's Day (we take turns each year with the moms).. DH wants no part of that so I will end up driving 3 hour round trip with my girls, but will it be this way for Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc..
There is no reasoning with my mother, I have even gone to councelling for this and even my councellor said that I should keep her at a distance but it's hard for me because at the end of the day this evil person is my mom..
Has anyone ever experienced something like this before??
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Yeah my mom is the evil one and I cut ties with her. My situation is a little different because she has always been nicer to my husband than she was to me. Nice huh? I'm not sure what advice to give you. I learned early on because of the way she treated me that family doesn't always want the best for you and to not value family for families sake and that their behavior counts too. I don't have a connection with her like people are supposed to have with their mom's so that part of it wasn't hard for me.
What exactly about her being your mom makes it hard for you? I've known some people in the same situation feeling guilty for cutting ties with family and some worry about what others will think of them.
Wow.
I don't mean to be harsh, but so what if she is your mother? She is also a very nasty person, from your description. If I were your husband I would not stand for her being my home. At all.
Your mother should have been arrested and made to pay for vandalizing that car.
I mean, you even have a counselor telling you to keep your distance and yet you continue on? What if she abuses your children the way she has abused you? Why does she deserve access to the children when she treats their father badly? Or for that matter, why do you wish to expose your children to someone who treats you so badly?
In short, why do you love your mother, who is mean and abusive, more than your husband, who has been, IMHO, very giving in this situation? Would you rather have her, or him? If you are not careful, you may have to make this decision soon. I really hope not.
IMHO you need to get back to the counselor and work with him/her to figure out how to accept the relationship you have with your mother for what it (and she) is and then figure out how to deal with it. From the little you have said, a "normal" relationship with your mother will not be possible unless she changes, and you can't make her change. You might have to mourn that "normal" relationship you will never have and find a way to another relationship that works for your family (you, your DH and your children).
If you say to your mother "treat my husband with respect or you will have to leave" and then she doesn't and you have to ask her to leave, that is her decision and nothing you have to feel guilty about. However, it will take work to get to the point of recognizing what your limits with her need to be, and getting to the point where you can really do something like ask her to leave or hang up on her without feeling guilty.
Thank you all for your honest responses.. I know that what you all say is right, and trust me I have tried to talk to her about these things.. Like for instance the situation with the nieces (the straw that broke the camels back so to speak) My husband told me that he bit his tongue not to say anything to her because he did not want me to feel bad, but he warned me that the next time he talks about any of his family members he will give her a piece of his mind.. I mean, I haven't even touched the surface of what or how my mother is.. She talks about EVERYBODY, no one is acceptable in her eyes, whether it be what they wear, how they act, how clean they are, etc, etc.. I grew up in this situation and thank God I did not turn out like her.. She is now alone, married and divorced 3 times.. My first marriage ended up in divorce because of her because we used to live with her and it was a nightmare, at the time my ex gave me an ultimatum her or him and I chose her.. well I don't regret my actions now because I wouldn't have met my current husband who I love with all my heart and that is why I know I have to put my foot down and stop this situation once and for all.. I doubt that she will change because in her eyes she has not done anything wrong.. When I called her that day to tell her about the nieces she twisted my words and said that he took it the wrong way and that SHE is now offended and won't be stepping into our house anymore because obviously my husband makes up things so that she won't be able to see us..This is how she is, she will say something but then if you confront her she will deny it or say that I, or we got the wrong message..
So, I know the right thing to do is to stay away, I totally understand that but I guess what I am having a problem with is that I feel guilty and I don't know why?? One of the reasons may be as I stated earlier that she is now 75 and I feel if I take her out of my life now, when she passes away, am I going to feel guilty for excluding her the last few years of her life..
And yes, she tries to criticize my daughter (the 15) year old but my daughter is very strong minded and it goes in one ear and out the other.. with me for some reason, it's not as simple..
It would not be YOU who is excluding her. She will have done this to herself. It doesn't take a lot of effort to treat people civilly, even if you don't like them, for the sake of your own child. But, to me, it doesn't seem as if she likes you very much either. I say that life is too short to waste on people like your mother. I mean, you have tried and you have tried, and goodness knows your husband has tried.
How much more time are you willing to waste on her? Time that you could have with your kids and husband, having fun or making your own memories?
liznlu,
I think I can understand where you are coming from.
I'd echo the "go talk to a therapist" call--especially if you know one that's worked well with you in the past.
She's manipulating you--and yeah, you know that. The guilt? Me, I think she's manipulated you over YEARS to install that guilt. The jokesters say our parents know where all the buttons are because they installed them: true, and some of 'em use them for, IMHO, evil purposes.
You cannot have a "normal" relationship without that being what BOTH sides want. You do, she doesn't--that's HER choice, not yours. Yeah, you get to live with it, which is awful, but the only thing you can do is basically say "it's not about me, it's about her", and NOT take things personally.
You know, people have said that "won't you feel guilty when she dies" thing to me...I've decided that no, I wont. I, me, personally have done all I can do. What the heck more can I ask of myself?
You know, you might talk to your 15 year old--if she's got that strong a defense against it, she may have some worthwhile tips for you. Sounds like you've raised a strong kid--good on you.
And good grief, stop calling her once a day! Don't share personal info, ever, it just comes back to bite you in the criticisms (OK, you didn't say that, but that's how it is here!).
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