Where to turn when it's not DV?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Where to turn when it's not DV?
5
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 12:31pm
I'm sorry to post here, since my husband has never hit me, but I've been looking all over the net and can't find any resources...

DH has a very volatile temper. He started out screaming at "bad" drivers, then yelling and smashing things during hockey games, now lots of little things about life set him off. Sometimes he just yells, but he hits and kicks at things, too. Not a day goes by without an incident now, sometimes several in one day. Last night he thought a client had infected a network he manages with a virus (accidentally) and nearly hit me in the face (I wasn't the target; he was just out of control). We've only been married 4 years, but he wasn't like this when we were first married. We've been talking about kids, but as much as I want them I'm frankly afraid to bring them into this atmosphere.

Are there any hotlines, information centers, ANYTHING out there with (preferably Christian, but not necessarily) help for anger management for non-abusers? Is there anything that *I* can do? He's too busy with work for counseling, and I think he may be a little attached to his anger. I wish there was something that I could do to ease his upset. Any help or direction would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!-gimlet

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 1:15pm
Gimlet,

Hi and welcome to this board...you will find this wonderful group of ladies and gents to be very helpful. I would like to address a couple of things with you. First you are very wise NOT to want to bring children into this kind of environment. Noone should be subjected to the behaviour that you say your husband is displaying...not even you. Second...you mentioned alot of scary and fear inducing behaviour from your husband. I dont know about anger management but if you feel that he could possibly be abusive towards you...even in a small part of you...then I suggest that you read the links provided on the board home page and possibly even call the domestic violence number. If you feel like you need someone to talk to... The number is 1800 799 SAFE. They can give you support and also would be able to give you a list of local shelters if you ever feel that your safety is in danger.

Please realize that a man does NOT have to hit you to be abusive. My husband is abusive and has never hit me once...in fact he has never thrown things around the house like your husband. My husband is very controlling and manipulative. Emotionally and sexually abusive. Again. Your husband does not have to hit you to be considered abusive. You said in your post that he almost hit you in the head. This must be very scary for you. Please know that his behavior is escalating...he will only get worse. He has shown you this already. Please keep yourself safe. Hugs to you.

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 1:38pm
Thank you for your kind response, Ree. I just don't feel right calling for DV help--DH is very kind and gentle with people and animals alike; he's had a cat for over decade that he's only ever treated well and he's only directly yelled *at* me once in all the years I've known him.

I'm sure that he'd never WANT to hurt me--I'm just scared that he could get so out of control that he might hurt me or himself without meaning to. I know that if he ever hit me I'd leave--and I don't want to ever have to do that. I'm still very much in love with this man, but I don't know how much more rage I can handle.

-gimlet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 2:19pm

Hi gimlet, you posted in the right place and the Domestic Violence resources you're coming up

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

- Maya Angelou

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:48pm

Welcome to the board, gimlet.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

Avatar for silvermoon458
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 8:56am

Hi Gimleteyed. So glad you have posted here with your question.


Honey, what your husband is doing IS violence and it IS abuse. This kind of abuse is often the most difficult to identify, because there are no visible bruises or cuts. But I assure you, he is inflicting pain on you daily with his behaviour.


If you can get ahold of the book by Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, it will help you so much. In it, Evans describes what

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing, there is a field. I will meet you there. -- Rumi