When you noticed jealousy as a problem

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
When you noticed jealousy as a problem
10
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 2:39pm
If any of you have ever had trouble with a man being overly jealous and possessive, what were your red flags?

Just a little curious here... trying to learn.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 02-21-2004 - 4:12pm

The only time I noticed it was a week before I got the heck out of Dodge, as we would only go out with "his" friends.

CL-Blueliner4

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 1:16pm
hugs bawitdaba! Yup,,I dated a someone with a real bad case of jealousy. I only stayed about six months because when out in public I would get an earfull if I didn't walk like I had blinders on. When it got to the point where one of my siblings came to me and wanted to know what's up with being jealous of them,,I knew it had gotten to a place I no longer wanted to be. It actually had gotten to where my newly found control freak had gotten jealous of my own family because we hugged and kissed each other when we met.

You'll find those with a controlling nature do not like us looking at anyone else whether or not they are of the same gender. It's all about them and them alone, either we play by their rules or we are punished.

Hope this helps!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 2:27pm

I can tell you a few things that indicated to me as red flags with Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:59pm
My STBXH is a very jealous, controlling person. He always had to know exactly where I was, what I was doing and who I was with at *all* times. If there was even 15 minutes of my day that wasn't accounted for, he would want to know why.

Also, he continually worked it into our conversations that he was a "very jealous person," because he is a Scorpio and that's one of the traits of a Scorpio so, of course, he can't help it. He would "warn" me that, if I went certain places or did certain things (like out with *mutual* friends of ours who were guys), he would be jealous and upset. Also, he would pick on the fact that I am a Gemini and, therefore, I'm "fickle, flirtatious and two-faced." So, it was like he almost *expected* me to do something to make him jealous, and he looked for "evidence" all the time. (Checking the call logs in my cell phone, checking the call logs on our home phone, etc.)

Also, anytime I went out with girl friends of mine, he would accuse me of trying to pick up men. (Because the majority of my friends were single.)

Just a few things that tipped me off to the jealousy issue . . . good luck!

Love & Hugs,

Emm

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:23pm
Like the other abuse, it was almost imperceptive at first. I didn't even realize he was *jealous* until much later. In the beginning he would ask, "Who was that"...when I was on the phone and after I would answer he would say, "And, what did _____ have to say"? And, after I would answer, he would say, "She called just to tell you that"? Then I would tell him more, until he basically knew the whole conversation verbatum. I actually thought it flattering at first, that he would be so interested in my life and my conversations with my girlfriends. Stupidly, I thought he really wanted to truly "know" me and my friends. But, then he would make little comments about this person or that person and how he didn't like them or trust them for one reason or another. Then, later, when we would be out in public, he would make comments about all of the guys looking at me and how he hated going out because I was always getting hit on -- even in the library or grocery stores, he would say, it's like we can't go anywhere. And, if I dared to meet another man's eyes, he would say, "Are you trying to embarass me?" or "I see what you're doing" or "You think he's cute or somethin"? So, geesh, I haven't even thought about this since I left (7/02)...and it really is painful to type some of these things. Did you know that when we were out in public I walked with my eyes to the ground? That became the "unspoken rule" so as not to upset him and it was so stressful and hard to do that, ultimately, we stopped going out very much..Then, much later, he would begin sabotaging nights out with friends, causing huge "blowouts" hours before (or in the truly bad scenes, marking my face or body in some way to where I was embarassed to go out). Hmmm, what else? If I had on something kind of sexy, he would pull me onto his lap and say, you know you can't wear that for anyone but me? And, you know, strangely, the comment he made about me cheating on him really freaked me out. Not the accusation part but when I said, what are you talking about? He said, oh you remember when you kissed that guy? That was in HIGH SCHOOL (15 years ago)... Anyway, that's probably one of those "have to be there" kind of things, but it really made the hair stand up for me because I knew he was harboring ill-will and jealously toward me from when we were children. Sadly, he still is one. That's about all I can think of for now. ~hugs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:37pm
A Scorpio????

Note to self: stop dating or marrying Scorpios!

My ex-monster was a scorpio, the guy I was referring to in this post is a scorpio and one other person I know of who has the same tendencies is one, too. And they're all icky men!

Oh my god! At least there are 11 months left in the year ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:58pm
Wow, azmommy, you just described the relationship I just got out of... good thing it didn't last too long...

At first it IS flattering in a way... "Aw, how nice he's interested in my friends and who I know..."

Then it becomes:

Who was that on the answering machine?

What did he want?

How do you know him?

Has he asked you out?

Are you flirting with him?

Why is he calling you?

What are you doing to make men look at you?

When did you see him last?

What did you say to him?

Why does he have your number?

I bet you talk to him behind my back, don't you?

aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggg!

And the main one, from the ex-monster (exhusband)... drum rolllllllllll

"The only men YOU are going to know are the one's who have f*cked you and the one's who haven't f*cked you - yet"...

Right...

One thing I've learned is that there are many ways to be a d*ck other than using physical force or unquestionable verbal insults and intimidation...


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:31am
Well, I *hope* not all Scorpios are that way . . . the guy I'm seeing now is a Scorpio, too! How weird is that?!?! Oh well -- there have to be at least *some* exceptions that prove the rule, right? ;oD

Love,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:59pm
Hi guys! Sorry to jump in the conversation, I lurk here and post sometimes and this topic just jumped out and bit me!

Our main problem is jealousy and possessiveness. Everything you all have mentioned we go thru too! I'm sick of it. I too have to keep my eyes down when in public. Meanwhile he makes it very clear that he is noticing other women. He even nudges me to look at how beautiful they are. But God forbid I notice another man.

My phone calls are screened. I am not even to answer the phone. My cell phone is checked daily. Then we go thru each call and I get to explain each one. And boy o'boy those that come up "private". Those cause serious fights if I forget to erase them.

I am not "allowed" to talk to anyone when he is around. He expects my full attention. If the phone rings make it quick. I am not to leave the house by myself when he is home. Even to run to the store for milk or something. Nope. I must be running to see my other man! His explanation is I have all day to do what I want while he is working. I don't have to account for my time from 8-5 M-F with the exception of lunches. Last Friday, when I got home he tore up my clothes because I went to work in heels and my black dress pants. He said I look like a slut and I never dress up for him so I can't dress up for other people. Evidently I'm not to wear skirts, heels or tight clothes to work.

It's quite sickening reading all the posts on this topic. They're all what I go thru. Very sad.

By the way...I'm a scorpio, and I'm wonderful despite what b/f says. :)

Charmed

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 8:40pm
God bless you Charmed.

Hope you keep coming and find ideas and strength here that will help you put an escape plan together. The life you describe sounds like hell.

You also sound very bright and have a clear understanding of how wrong his behaviours and thoughts are. That's good.

Best of luck.

Hummer