Just plain unsure....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Just plain unsure....
3
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 9:26am
Ok...I wasn't going to post here - not after the fiasco the last post caused on another board. It is always strange to me that when folks have the courage to ask for help or to tell their story that there are those people out there who choose to 'tear you down' just as quickly as the people in your life that caused you to cry out for help in the first place. Ok...I digress.

I am 27-years old. I am a professional that has risen through the ranks in a relatively short amount of time. I am very happy with my career direction. My personal life is in shambles. I am an intelligent person, yet I am unable to put my finger on what's wrong with my marriage. My H and I have been married since '99. Here is some background:

One month before the wedding (just a civil ceremony) - I found a chat transcript between he and a co-worker that seemed a whole lot more than 'co-workers chatting.' I tried to leave the apartment that night (but I sillily left my coat and purse in the bedroom - where he was on the phone). He blocked my exit so we could 'talk.' I wanted to postpone the wedding. He was very upset - crying - remorseful - said 'what would my mom say? - Now, his mother is a very sweet, wonderful woman who has (in my opinion) been on the receiving end of a verbally abusive husband her entire life. Her self-esteem is just plain not there...and she held a soft-spot in my heart. At any rate, I 'caved in' and we got married 30-days later.

I always felt a little uneasy with H. I used to work retail - which often meant I had to cover the store when people called off. I didn't like it. H didn't like it very much either. Oh, we got into some 'ugly faced' arguments. No physical violence, but H always thought he knew best and told me what I should do. yadda yadda. Well, I looked for other opportunities outside retail. Got another job. Things were ok for a while.

One night after we'd been married for, oh, maybe a year. We argued about something. Not really sure what we argued about but he grabbed me by the upper arms and pushed me into the living room wall. I was shocked - I'm trained in some self-defense but I was so stunned. I know I said something to egg him on - knowing that it would probably get him angry - but I also know that this type of abuse is not warranted. I have to say that was the only time he'd ever done that in our relationship. Instead of getting in the car and driving away - I called my parents and went into our back yard. (H had driven off in his car at this point) Mom is 1500 miles away - I have no friends, no family in this state. Didn't really know where to turn. Well, H came back - we talked - I let it go. (Rightly or wrongly)

One night after that - can't tell you the timeframe - H came home and confessed he'd kissed another woman. Of course...I'm shell shocked. I let him stay. I recall some things being said about my lack of enthusiasm toward sex - but I didn't let him blame me. Maybe I did blame myself (I don't anymore, mind you). At any rate...he stayed.

In 2001 we bought the loves of my life - two beautiful puppies. He often bragged that the dogs would be his and to not be offended if they clung to him. Almost 3 years later the dogs come to me. There was an incident when the boy dog was a puppy where H spanked him and yelled at him - H thinks it's funny that the dog pees on the floor when H yells at him. He thinks it shows his 'submissive' status. There have been a few times where I have threatened H concerning the dogs - told him that if he hit either of them...I would hit him. (Ok, probably not the healthiest thing to say or do - but I did it to protect my 'furbabies')

H is on Paxil now. Has been for about a year and a half or so. But he says things and does things that concern me. He gets 'ugly' when I question his driving habits. Once he even drove like a maniac after 'seeing red' when I mentioned he was tailgating too close and he saw me brace myself. I swore I'd never drive with him again - well, I do. Not as often but I do.

When we talk about our problems - he usually focuses on my inability to keep the house clean. I've always been a messy person - just ask my mom. :) Still, my mess is orderly and I do try to accommodate him. After all, there's give and take in every relationship right? Well...he's gotten much more vocal lately. I took a business trip a few weeks ago and when I returned he wanted to talk. I guess my use of the word divorce concerned him. So, we talked. And we talked. And another night we talked. I still felt my needs were being dismissed. You see, my H is the master of circular reasoning - I am a master debator but I can't go back six weeks and give you exact dates and times and words that were said. Needless to say - I feel like I'm losing my mind.

On the other board I posted that I felt that most of where I am is my fault. H isn't satisfied - I don't get the laundry done in an orderly fashion (*laugh*) - I do spend more time with my dogs than I do with him...but I feel that my needs aren't being met. Yes, I've talked to him about it - again, I'm dismissed.

I am a foo-foo, girly girl when it comes to some things - I haven't watched a chick flick in years unless I've bought it and watched it alone. I watch car programs (hello...hate cars)...watch the History and Discovery channels daily (ok...I like history...but one more documentary on the history of tall buildings will make me nuts)...just so I can spend time with him. He may watch the occasional AKC tournament on Animal Planet with me - but overall, I do things he's interested in but he won't do anything I'm interested in. Yes, I've talked with him about it. Yet our conversations keep coming back to maybe I don't tell him specifically enough. And I buy it.

Yesterday he said something to me...it was almost like a wake up call...mostly because I never really looked for it before. He was half asleep on the floor (I refused to have sex with him while I was working on the computer - this happens often - so he sulks and goes to sleep on the floor like a baby) - and he asked me to come in the room. I was standing two feet from him - he asked me to come into the room again - I had to pee so I went to the bathroom. When I came out he said 'I asked you to come in here three times.' I told him I had to pee for God's sake and that I was already in the room. He said that he didn't care what I had to do (he's saying this very even keeled...I was taken aback) that if he asked me to come here, he wanted me here. Again...flabbergasted...I sat down with the dogs.

It's hard for me to see this as domestic abuse. Yes, he's called me stupid and illogical on occasion. I've called him a 32-year old child and irresponsible. Are we abusing each other? Am I as guilty as he? I know I don't like who I am when I'm with him. I'm always on the defensive. I feel panicked if I'm not home at a certain time (that may be more self-imposed than imposed by him) - and I am afraid to get in the car with him.

He once told me that I was looking for a dream that didn't exist - meaning, that I'm looking for this perfect marriage. Really, I'm not...but I would like a supportive person by my side. I feel chained. I can only look for jobs within a 50 mile radius of the house...I've moved through 3 or 4 states in my life. There's so much out there - why limit yourself to the same place for the rest of your life? It depresses me to think I will be stuck here - 5 miles from his parents - listening to how his dad treats his mom and fighting back, putting that man in his place (FIL, not H).

Am I being stupid? I mean am I bringing this on myself? My mother says I'm an intelligent woman who should be able to tell the difference, but God if I'm confused as all get out. I haven't been this depressed in so long - I read things like 'if you haven't tried everything in your marriage than it's your fault' - anyway...he's up now and I need to go to the store. Thanks...for listening

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:26am
Welcome to the board saffirerose. Usually if one asks if they are in an abusive relationship, they usually are. He sounds like he definitly is verbally abusing you. This most times is harder for us to accept because there is no physical abuse to go along with it, no bruises or scars. Over time the verbal/emotional abuse will become more damaging because we too often do dismiss it as anything but abuse.

Take the time to read over this boards homepage, it has many solid articles and links to advice and resources to help you more fully understand what his abuse is putting you through.

You are probably right on with your assumption that his mother has been verbally abused for years as many generations of women and men before us were told that it was up to them to do whatever to hold the households together. So many generations have done just that, kept accepting the abuse as if it was their duty to keep the family together at all costs. Unfortunatly too many also lost their lives trying to fulfill their supposed obligations. Only in the last 10 or so years, I personally think that the internet has opened doors and minds, have we started getting the message out that we do not have to live our lives in misery and that more than we ever thought were in abusive situations.

You have found a place where we do understand what you are going through, a community of wonderful people who are free of abuse, are leaving an abusive situation and like you, who are just starting the journey to finding a happier life once again.

Another good source of information and resources are through your local shelter system. Besides offering safe haven, shelters offer resources in legal matters, financial matters and trained therapy should you like to find counseling. They are there for us and too few take advantage of what they have to offer.

I hope you continue to post with us and feel free to vent, ask or just come in to say you're having a good day too! We also have a live chat Sunday evenings at 7pm EST for two hours and you are more than welcome to come join us.

I hope this helps, I hope you check out our homepage to read and learn more of the dynamics of abuse and how it effects us.

Once again, welcome

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:08pm
Thank you for your kind words. I've been looking over a lot of information these past few weeks. It has been extremely difficult. I really don't know which end is up sometimes. I appreciate you taking the time to respond. :)

--J

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 12:33pm

Welcome to the board, saffirerose.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you