"Stalking the Soul"
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| Sun, 02-22-2004 - 10:42am |
I have been reading this book and I am amazed! So much in this book is so right on. I'm reading the chapter on the "victim". In talking about the victim - "we" are caring people, trying to help someone or to quote the book
"the hopeless task of 'resurrecting the dead', they (the victim) feel uncertain of their own strength and become almost defiant in their course of action. They have to prove they are strong and capable becasue of their self-doubt and vulnerability. This makes them especially susceptible during the seduction phase, when the abuser validates them and increases their feeling of self-worth. Later on, their stubbornness becomes dangerous. They refuse to give up on the abuser because they cannot imagine that there's no solution and that change cannot be expected. As we shall see, they would feel guilty abandoning their partner."
"In order to destabilize and unsettle someone, fostering and encouraging feelings of blame and self-doubt is an obvious and effective procedure."
"The ideal victim is a conscientious person with a natural tendency to blame herself."
I find that I can relate to much of what she says. It is very validating for me.
Many times here on this board there are others who's dh has never been physically abusive towards them, but have had a difficult time seeing that what they are living is abuse, me included. This book has been a tremendous validation and enlightenment for me.
I'm working on getting past my guilty feelings. My guilt for feeling like I have "lead him on", my guilt for "allowing" him to do things for me, when in fact, I no longer care. My guilt because somehow he has made me feel that I am his answer to happiness. My guilt because that is how he keeps me with him, he has taken full advantage of my compassion and desire to help others. He has not been able to let me "help" anyone, including our children, except him. As soon as I turn my attention to anyone other than him, he thinks that I am abandoning him. He can't understand how a person can love one person, but still want and need to help others. It is his warped sense of reality due to a lousey childhood. But that isn't my fault and I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE to help him fix it. Either he has to see it and want to fix it - for himself or he doesn't. And the fact is that he is too scared to see and work on his own problems. He makes them other peoples (mine) problems. He projects his low thoughts of himself on to me to build himself up. Oh, if only he could see it. I now have to realize that he won't, and if I have to point it out and help him, then he is still making it my responsibility and it isn't mine. It is not my cross to bear, it is his.
The day will come. I'm sure of it now. I will eventually get past the guilt and be able to move on.
For those of you new to the board, I've been coming here for over a year, wondering how I would ever get to the point that I would be able to leave. Trust me, trust the others here on the board, you will get there. In your own time, in your own way. Until then, take each day, each hour, each minute as one and you will survive. Eventually you won't be a victim, you will be a survivor. The hardest thing for any of us to do is remove ourselves from this web. Read, talk and learn, as diffiuclt as it may be. It is what has helped me.

Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
It's extremely interesting that we, as victims, are hunted by abusers for exactly that character trait. I was helping someone - him! That was it. He took that loving, giving part of my character and, using what ever tactic was necessary, hoarded it all for himself. Really explains why the abuse became so blatant after I had the kids - stbx did not want to share.
One of the freedoms I can celebrate is the freedom to lovingly help whoever and however I choose.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
Ouch is right!! I double checked on Amazaon and got the same price. Perhaps the library would order the book for their collection if you asked them to? The other thing, call around to local book stores, the price on the inside cover of the hardcover I was reading is $22. This book was translated from French as the author is French, so that may explain the high price. It is definitely worth reading if you situation was one of emotional abuse. I actually copied a few of the pages that really struck home for me. I can even see where I am in the quest for freedom. I am very saddened that this is how I have to get myself back - but I can't continue the way I have been.
I think that he is beginning to realize something. I have made reservations to go to Virginia this summer to Camp Jeep. I did sign him up to go with me and the kids, but when I told him I had done it, he made a comment about me going with just my ds. Probably another tactic to get me to not go or feel guilty about going, but I see it as that. I only hope that he doesn't actually join us if he is going to be cranky and sulky the whole time! But it's not until July, so perhaps by then it won't even be a concern.
Anyway, good luck finding the book, keep on the hunt for it, it was extrememly valuable for me.
I was so amazed as I was reading this book. There were so many things that so struck home for me. Yes, I want to help people, and no, he can't stand it when I try to do that. Same as your stbx - "why get involved, then they will owe you something . . ." Even towards our kids. He can't stand that they take my attention away from him. How sad for him that his self-esteem is so low that he has to bring anyone close to him down so he can feel good about himself. It is too bad, because I have had a glimpse of a man who is very nice. He is just way to emotionally dependent on me and after 23 years of marriage, he should at least know that I would be there for him. Something I can't count on from him. He is emotionally unavailable to me or the kids. Claims he is too uncomfortable and we shouldn't be making him uncomfortable! I just want to scream, what about us? I've vented enough -
Take care,
Pam