freaking out, i'm awful, want to die

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
freaking out, i'm awful, want to die
4
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 5:58pm
so i have posted a handful of times on here, constantly debating how and if i should end my 3 yr relationship. Well, i really really screwed up for the second time, and i think it is partially b/c i am having such doubts about my relationship. i wound up kissing (for a little while) a friend of mine---it was purely physical, the guy is really hot & we were drunk and it happened, and mind you it was really enjoyable at the time, which makes it worse, especially b/c we are both aware of the situation. I feel guilty and so does he, he knows my bf and likes him, "thinks he's a great guy." I'm not necessarily that worried about my bf finding out, however, i think the guilt that i am feeling is just too much. I don't know what i am doing anymore. for the first two years of my relationship i wouldn't even look at other guys, and now my 'friend' is the second guy that i have kissed. i feel like the worst person in the world, what is WRONG with me?????? this is so against my morals and beliefs and i am definitely that person that somewhat chides other people that have cheated in relationships. I just can't believe i have let myself do something like this. If my bf did this to me I would probably end the relationship immediately, and what is weird is that I don't think he would for as much as he has done other negative things to me I don't think he would physically cheat. Although I have been insecure about his communication with an ex, and the fact that my bf is a huge flirt and that had bothered me a ton in the past.

As i said in an earlier post, i think he is trying to change, well kind of. He is being nicer to me on a daily level but yet that is only when things go his way and i don't "rock the boat" so to speak.

So, I'm really considering talking to him (*which I am terrified of doing, i'm afraid he is going to tell me "if i want to break up, just leave, just f*in leave" which has been what he has sometimes thrown out in the past when I have had issues that i want to talk about or tell him that i'm not happy with certain things). I want to tell him that maybe we shouldn't make a move together, that maybe we need to live apart for a little while. The thing is, i am still not 100% sure that is what i want to do but my gut tells me i should, especially with what happened this past weekend. I told myself i would never be "that girl" and well, look here i am. I never want to be in a relationship where cheating is an issue, so i'm wondering what on earth i am doing. I just hate myself right now, what i hate even more is that he has been in nice mode recently as well. And i hate that i felt physically aroused by my friend---i haven't felt that way with my bf in a long time and it frightens me. I thought my sex drive was gone but it wasn't that night. Anyway, have any of you ever done something so horrible? Is it a sure sign that i should end things? I feel that i am out of control in some ways, but in others i am very very responsible. Can I get past this? Plus, I want to know that for those of you in similar situations as me, have you been able to rationally discuss spending time apart or has it always been a scary and terrible experience?



My previous posts are these links, if anyone cares enough to respond and maybe can relate?

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=22684.1

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=22724.1

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=22927.1

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rldomesting/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=22931.1

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rldomesting&msg=23166.1&ctx=128

Thank you again, and i appreciate the responses. I know I'm just venting but really there is noone else i feel comfortable talking about any of this with, so this board helps. And also, i have read all the information on the homepage already.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 7:01pm
Hugs unknownname! Consider this, you've been with someone who is not exactly promoting your self-esteem or worth. You've gotten to where intimacy is not what you wished it was.

So when someone shows an interest in us in a complimentary way we sometimes do find it very intoxicating with or without alchohol. Not to mention it's nice to have someone kiss us or hold us who isn't going to put us down with the next breath. It's just we haven't had someone see that side of us for so long that it does sometimes catch us off guard. I honestly think it would have happened even without being drunk. I know it happened to me and yup, it does feel weird when I think about it. But I had been so efficiently neutered mentally by my abuser it was like how a drink of water feels to someone in the dessert.

Then comes the whole, "why did I do that?" time which is like insanity multiplied. Mostly because we have been told we aren't worth anyone's time, no one would ever find us attractive, we have been made to feel mechanical in bed, all parts of the conditioning we have been exposed too.

If nothing else it's showing you that you are missing a very important part of what makes up you, your self-image! You will not get anywhere by talking to your bf about it because all you'll be doing is giving him ammunition for whenever he wants to throw something in your face to make you feel even worse.

While I would not exactly call what you did cheating, your abuser will not only make you feel worse, he will make sure he cuts your self-image to an even lower extent. So before

you get yourself feeling even worse about yourself, stop and take a step back and look at it from a different angle. This person made you feel like a human but even more so, a woman.

Your bf isn't because he's using your perception of yourself as a weapon against you. So maybe this is more like a sign that you've been deceiving yourself about how you really feel about your bf, yourself and the relationship! After all, he's slowly been making you feel worse about yourself over the past few years, so how would you expect him to be understanding about this?

Give yourself alittle room on this one. I'm not saying you should go around kissing everyone, but it does show you're missing something very important in your life and the bf isn't giving it to you. Again, another sign of how much he's been taking from you.

Hope this makes sense and that instead of beating yourself up over it, you'll take it as a sign of maybe it's time you looked long and hard at where you are, where you want to be and can you see your current bf making your future a happy one for you!

Hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:14pm

Honey, I really wish I could help you out more.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:18am
Hi. Don't feel bad about your feelings. I completly understand where your coming from. Before i left my stbxh over a month and a half ago, I had kissed another man and the feelings i felt were something i haden't felt with my husband in a long time. I also thought my sex drive was gone. I am now in the most wonderful relationship with the OM and it feels so good to not have to deal with the abuse. Don't get me wrong i still love my h, but things will NEVER change. My H also was doing everything he could in the end to try and change, but it was too late. When he physically attacked me, that was it. I can never be with him again. Follow what your gut tells you. Obviously if another man makes you feel things your bf can't, that should tell you something. Good luck and you can do it without him. No one deserves to be abused. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:13am
sorry-

cl-blueliner i am not *seriously* considering killing myself or anything. that sounds morbid and i apologize. i just feel horrendous and really guilty, especially since my bf is being so incredibly nice. i think i want to say something to the other guy as well b/c i know he feels REALLY guilty (the whole "other guys girl" code that men have); and I also think he probably thinks I am a whore for cheating. eww.