dss can take your kids for this s@#$t.
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dss can take your kids for this s@#$t.
| Sun, 02-22-2004 - 11:05pm |
you guys, this is really serious stuff, and what i have to say is not encouraging or nice, but in retrospect i wish someone had given me the info. so i feel i have to say something. i know we on this board are all for saying get out and call the police, and i do think that that is the way to go, but that's exactly what i did and it is coming back to bite me, HARD. as you all know, about three weeks ago i went to the police when stbx assaulted me, and pressed criminal charges against him. when i did, i told them the entire truth about the incident, what happened, where it happened, and that my children were in the room. stbx went to jail for assault in the presence of a child, and that is a charge that automaticlly generates a child protective services case. so dss became involved with what's left of my family, and are now attempting to take my children for failure to protect. it's a very long story, complete with lies, changing stories, untrue allegations, and ridiculous threats, but right now i'm afraid to let my kids out of my sight for fear that cps will swoop them. this is so much worse than life with stbx ever was. neither stbx nor i have EVER hurt our kids, and never would, not to mention the fact that i DID protect my kids by putting stbx in jail. i did the absolute best in my power to keep my kids and myself safe, and now i am in a much worse hell. this system is so f-d up, i am being punished for doing the right thing, and there is nothing i can do except fight tooth and nail for my kids.
but i want you guys to listen very carefully: if you have kids, and your kids witness an assault, do NOT tell the police, the judge, or dss that the children were present. i repeat, DO NOT mention that your children were present. dss is not on your side, and they will not help you put your life back together, they will only make things worse. i wish with all my heart that i could go back and do things over, and never say a word about my kids. no matter what a good parent you are, and how badly you may have been trying to do the right thing, once cps has an investigation on you and has evidence that your h/bf assaulted you in the presence your kids, then they have enough to take your kids, whether it was your fault or not. hopefully noone else would have the same response from dss that i have had, but it's not worth the risk. just leave that part out.
but i want you guys to listen very carefully: if you have kids, and your kids witness an assault, do NOT tell the police, the judge, or dss that the children were present. i repeat, DO NOT mention that your children were present. dss is not on your side, and they will not help you put your life back together, they will only make things worse. i wish with all my heart that i could go back and do things over, and never say a word about my kids. no matter what a good parent you are, and how badly you may have been trying to do the right thing, once cps has an investigation on you and has evidence that your h/bf assaulted you in the presence your kids, then they have enough to take your kids, whether it was your fault or not. hopefully noone else would have the same response from dss that i have had, but it's not worth the risk. just leave that part out.
i wish you all the best of luck
clarity

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CPS/DHS/whatever Child Protective Services is called in your area IS there to HELP. YES, they take Domestic Abuse VERY seriously, and YES, they are required by law to investigate. Please, (along with anyone who reads this message and makes the choice to not seek help due to FEAR of the system), KNOW that NOT USING THE SYSTEM WILL HURT YOU MORE IN THE LONG RUN! The CAPS are intentional, because this is such a serious issue.
IF you did not call the police, IF you did not follow through, then YES CPS/DHS WOULD be a problem for you. It seems like a problem right now, because it IS very intimidating and frightening to hear them talk to you about "failure to protect", "children witnessing/being exposed to/in the presence of domestic abuse" etc, BUT the difference IS that you sought help, you followed the process, and yes, dealing with them now is part of it, not to hurt you and your children further, but to INSURE that you AND your children are not exposed to further harm/violence. The law requires Social Services (by whatever name they are called by in your area) to intervene in this type of situation. While it is scary and intimidating, there IS a reason--the main one being the fact that the average victim returns to her abuser an average of 7-yes SEVEN-times....meaning that the majority of children growing up in abusive homes rarely receive the help, intervention, and resources available. This is a tool, but also, a resource, for you and your children, to try to help you gain the help, support, resources, and skills to stop this cycle of violence for you and your family. The MAJORITY do NOT seek help. For those who do, the MAJORITY doesn't follow through, and you, along with your children are impacted, daily, in ways most people cannot even begin to comprehend. This is a necessary step, for you and your children, though it seems hard to understand right now. CPS/DHS/Social Services WILL help you AND your children, as long as you are cooperating, as long as you are NOW trying to protect your children and yourself, and they can be your BEST ALLY in court, in life, and in your healing journey.
I have had more than my share of dealings with this agency myself, and I can assure you, they ARE THERE TO HELP, and they WILL HELP you as long as you are working toward helping yourself and your children. I even had them testify on my behalf in my case, for the custody hearings, in spite of what seemed to be a more difficult situation at a point, because of their involvement. The difference was the steps *I* took, what *I* did, and did not do, and again, they were my biggest allies. I know how scary it can be, but sweetie, they will NOT just "take your children", ESPECIALLY when you are taking the steps necessary to protect yourself and your children from your abuser.
Please, to any and everyone who may read this, and add this "fear" to the reasons why it is "scarier to leave than stay"........KNOW that they WILL take your children, possibly, IF you do not take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your children, but it is not that *simple* either......... what YOU do and do not do IS the difference.
I hope Issa, from our sister board sees this post (I need to email her). She is a social worker who deals with this daily, but is also a *sistah* here, who can reinforce the reality of what this agency does and does not do.
Breathe clarity, cooperate with DHS/CPS/DSS....learn all you can, and keep reaching for help and support. We ALL are here for you, and you are not the first or last of us here to have faced this issue, with these thoughts, but I promise you, working with this agency is part of the "key" for you and your children, on many levels.
My heart goes out to you, fully understanding your fear and frustration. Please know how much I care and understand, more than you know, and be reassured that the voice that is crying out to you to avoid this type of agency is your abuser's voice, conditioning at it's finest, with that *silence* regarding the abuse and FULL repercussions, for you and your children only reinforcing HIM. Silence reinforces the abuser.......over and over.
Love, hugs, thoughts, and prayers!
I could write a book on this topic alone........
Sweetie, you say:
"neither stbx nor i have EVER hurt our kids, and never would, not to mention the fact that i DID protect my kids by putting stbx in jail. i did the absolute best in my power to keep my kids and myself safe"
While YOU never hurt your kids, HE DID, by assaulting you, compounded by assaulting you in front of your children. IF you hadn't called the police, THEN you would be endangering your children further. You DID do the "absolute best" in your situation to protect yourself and your children.
Children do not have to be *direct targets* of the abuse to be severely impacted. They are hurt simply by living in an abusive home, even if you think you can "shield them from it". That is not possible, as long as they are in the same household, or even exposed to the abuser in any way. I know I stayed with my ex husband for WAY too long, worried about "losing my kids to DHS/CPS/DSS, and more.......along with "his threats", and just the whole scene. The LAST time my ex husband hit me in front of my kids was my true "wake up call" and the months that followed only reinforced that. I am not able to post as much as I did before due to time constraints, but, the archives are LOADED with this issue........with so many of "us" who were in this same situation once upon a time. We DO understand, we DO care, and we ARE here for you!! Please, be sure to go to the homepage and click on the page regarding "Children and Abuse". There are TONS of links there, TONS of information, and there is a huge wealth throughout the archives too. I mentioned Issa, but have to mention Kanga, and whew, so many "sisters" along with myself who have been in your very shoes. Sweetie, NONE of us "lost" our kids to the system. We all dealt with the process, we used the resources, we cooperated and benefitted from the help these very agencies can and will provide, as long as you "are" doing what you have to in order to protect yourself and your children.
HUGEST HUGS.....Breathe sweetie, and please, keep reaching for help, support, and information. This is what it takes to change your life, and the life your children will have!
Dear Clarity,
My heart goes out to you for the fear and anguish you are experiencing.
Clarity, your children are indeed in danger as long as you remain with your abusive partner. If they are not already in danger of physical assault, they are being emotionally damaged on a daily basis by watching their mother be abused. The emotional toll on a child is enormous. Witnessing abuse is as damaging as being the victim. Your children are indeed victims in this situation, every bit as much as you are.
The DSS is sending you a message, sweetie. Your children are NOT safe in this situation.
NONE of this is your fault, Clarity. It is ALL his doing. He alone is responsible for abusing you, and thereby abusing the kids. You did the right thing by telling the police all about the abuse and the fact that the kids were present. You have taken a big step in doing so toward protecting them.
As painful as this must be, use this as your opportunity to begin planning your freedom, sweetie. Your kids will be safe and you can spend your energy on YOU and getting yourself free.
Huge hugs. You and your children are in my prayers.
Christine
Let me start by saying that I am a social worker with Head Start/Early Head Start. I don't work for CPS(DSS/CWS, whatever it is called where you are). But I do work with them very closely.
I think that mizlizzy and silvermoon covered this issue very well, but I will add a few things and it will probably be in part a repeat of what has been said.
It is true, when dv happens in front of the kids it is reportable, which is what law enforcement had to do. This is a relatively new process as the profound effects of children witnessing dv become more and more apparent. There is research to prove that witnessing dv actually impacts brain development. It actually changes the way the brain develops. I wish I had the info in front of me but I don't. One thing I do know is that children that have witnessed dv will sometimes exhibit symptoms of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). So, in a nutshell, witnessing dv can cause brain damage. There are many people that post here and on the sister board that are witness to this as they deal with the effects of dv on their children.
It is for this reason that CPS takes this issue very seriously. And yes, they can take your kids and they will if they feel that you can't protect them. This is the part that gets so hard because it isn't your fault that you are being abused. That part is out of your hands and control. BUT what is in your control is getting your children out of that environment...for good. That's why it is called failure to protect. You are unable to protect your children in that moment. But you are able to leave and take your children with you. In your case, you DID do the right thing, you reported what happened. That part isn't the part of which they are accusing you of failure to protect. The incident that they witnessed, your husband assualting you, that's the part where you were unable to protect your children. That's the part CPS is concerned about.
I don't know all of the details of your situation, but I do know that if the social worker believes that you are going to go back to your husband, then yes it is a reality that they may take your children.
It isn't fair, putting all of the responsibility on you (or the "victim"), but that is the way it is. As the mother, you have a responsibility to make sure that your children are completely safe and unharmed.
Many times on this board I want to say this stuff but don't because I don't want to be preachy. But it is a fact and it is real. I know in my job that I report when a child witnesses dv and I will tell you that CPS responds every single time.
My suggestion to you is to fully cooperate with the social worker. The more cooperative you are, the easier this whole process will be. I say to people that the CPS social worker can be your best friend. They have access to so many resources and money to help you relocate. They don't want to take your children from you. They ultimately want to keep families together, they really do.
So, if anything, this experience is your "wake up call". I don't know your situation and I don't know if you plan to stay with your husband. But I do know that there is a really good chance that they will remove the kids if you choose to go back with him.
As far as not disclosing that children witnessed dv, I urge everyone, please LET THEM KNOW that your children witnessed dv during an incident (if they did). It can come back to bite you much harder if you are not completely honest. And the bottom line is you do want your children to be safe and unharmed. The other thing is that down the line, when you do decide to leave and need documentation, you want the police reports to reflect that the children did witness dv. It makes your custody case much stronger. Also, since your children did witness the dv, and there is a police report, there are free counseling services available to you all thru a victim witness program in your area. I don't know how old your children are, but I would suggest looking in to that.
There were several times when I was with my ex that I saw my daughter sitting in the corner singing to herself (age 2) while we argued for hours at a time. I once saw her come up and stand in between he and I and yell "stop", also at the age of 2. My wake up call was her watching him hit me with the phone and push me across the room. I will never forget the look on her face. Sheer terror. Then he was holding her and kept her from me, she was calling for me and he wouldn't let me comfort her. It was awful. I am so lucky, however that she wasn't accidently hit by the phone or that I didn't fall on her when he pushed me. When the police came, they said that simply because she witnessed the event made his actions a felony. That told me how serious this issue is.
Nobody wants CPS in their life. It brings up all of the insecurities, the fears that we don't want to face when living with domestic violence. Many times our partner tells us we are a bad mom and that CPS will take the kids, then they get involved and that threat becomes very real. So, my question to you is, you don't want them in your life? How do you get them out? What do you have to do to get them out?
I don't know if I helped, and I really hope that this doesn't seem like a lecture, because it is not the intent.
Please stay safe, and good luck to you.
Liz
I just clung to the fact that I had nothing to hide and co-operated fully with the CAS worker. She was here several times, interviewing me and the boys. I was not allowed in the room when she spoke to the kids so I had no idea what they told her. Each time she came to talk to them, I told them to answer her questions honestly and that no one would get in trouble, no matter what they say as long as it's the truth. She was very good with my boys. My oldest son liked the worker so much that he's asked me to invite her for dinner.She even interviewed teachers, the principal, my neighbours and stbx's previous gf - all with my permission/full co-operation. I have nothing to hide. Stbx told lies upon lies and made outragiously untrue allegations. I answered all their questions HONESTLY, including admitting to using too much alcohol for a period when my boys were 2,3&4 and I discovered stbx was sleeping with someone who I considered a friend and confident. Eventually, CAS closed the case but it took over six months! At the end, the case worker told me that a big part of the path her investigation took was that I was co-operative and consistant with the details while stbx was not at all co-operative and could not seem to keep his stories straight.
She also told me that removing the children from the mother is within their rights but unless they believe that the mom will go back to the abuser or not be vigilent in protecting the children from let the abuser, CAS prefers to leave the kids with their mom. Allowing children to witness abuse (even verbal, as in arguing with stbx)is child abuse. The fact that I was very firm about NO CONTACT went a long way to proving I was serious about protecting my children from having to be witnesses. There would be dired consequences, to her personally as well as to the agency, if something were to happen to a child when it could have been avoided by doing a thorough investigation. After the case was closed, she said I could call her if I ever had any concerns about what may be going on during visitation with stbx and she would re-open the investigation. She also told me that she'd be pleased to offer any assistance she could if I needed her when it came time to go to court over custody.
The fear I felt was because I was letting stbx's words still play in my mind. "Your a terrible mother. I'll make sure you never get my kids. No one in their right mind will believe you." I'm sure you've heard it all before too. Honey, you've only been out for about three weeks. It is huge relief to finally be out and we sometimes think - there, that's over. The immediate danger is over. Hopefully you are practicing NO CONTACT so the danger of your kids witnessing more abuse is over. But the battle is not completely won yet. You've read here that these guys will use any tactic These lies and accusations are just that - tactics. Tactics to keep you off balance and scared. Do not fall into this trap.
You are a great Mom. How do I know? Because of the decision you made to get out and get your children out too. These workers are trained profesionals in the business of protecting children. It is their job to *investigate* not jump to conclusions. This is not the first investigation she's done and these folks *are* trained to see through the BS that abusers throw around. I think she probably told you she had the right to take the kids so that *you* would realize the seriousness of them witnessing abuse and do everything you can to protect them from it.
Keep your chin up and willingly open your life up for them to see. After investigating, they will arrive at the truth. It does not seem like it now but this could be the best thing that could happen. In my case, having the CAS file to bring to court is going to be the thing that will get me sole custody instead of joint.
The truth will set you free. Keep looking up^, Susan.
clarity
clarity
Hi. I am so sorry about what your going through. I went through the same thing about a month ago. My stbxh assulted me in front of my 7 yr old daughter and I did tell the cops and DCF did get involved. They came over about a week after stbxh got out of jail. I had to show them the new place we were living and they met Kevin, whom i am living with. They took his SS# and did a background and criminal check on him. They were supposed to get back to me if there were any problems and i haven't heard in over a month. I used to think the same about DCF and in a way i still do, but i am just glad they didn't try any BS with my kids. Good luck
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