I NEED HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
I NEED HELP!
4
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:44am
Reading some of the posts listed here gave me the courage to ask for help. I am currently in a domestic situation that I never could have imagined that I would ever be in. I always thought I was too strong for this. If someone could give me some advice I be very grateful.

This is the Situation. I have been with my significant other/boyfriend for 6 years. One year into the relationship I surprisingly became pregnant. We talked about getting married but I worked and went to school full time so I put it for the future due to the fact that I wanted to plan a traditional wedding. Relationship was stable. We planned our second and last child when daughter was three. I was placed on bed rest during the 4th month of my second pregnancy due to high risk pregnancy. Partner and I decided that I should leave my job and make arrangements to finish the semester on-line. Things were good while I continued to pay 1/2 bills out of my savings even though he makes triple the money that I do.

As soon as I was out of money and eight months pregnant, things went to hell. It started slowly with him saying mean things about what a slob I was the dishes weren't done or child's toys were all over living room floor because I was home all day. The day I came home from the hospital he screamed and stompted out of the house for asking for help getting the last of the things ready for the baby. Anyway things have progressed to him calling me a fat, lazy, no-good B---- on a daily along with many other things on a daily basis. Tonight he grabbed my arm and slammed me against a wall in front of my daughter.

He than proceded to tell me that I should go take get his gun and kill myself because I and everyone else would be much better off if I were dead.

I know I need to get out but I do not know how. We live in his house that he had bought before we even met. The car that I drive we bought when I was pregnant and no longer employed so that is in his name. I am looking for a job but everytime I have an interview scheduled during his free time he conveniately comes up with an excuse that he cannot watch the kids due to a work thing. Tonight I said I was going to leave him and he took my car and house keys away from me and he told me to "get the fxxx out and walk to whereever I am going and make sure you take the kids with you:" Everything is in his name and we are not married. My mother is my only family and in a retirement home and all of the friends we associate with are really his friends so I can't just go stay at a family or friends house as suggested. He gives me all of the money that I have and he only gives me just enough to pay for gas and groceries.

I am so distraught with my situation that I am almost suicidal. My kids are the only things that are preventing it. I do not want my 4 and 9 mo old living in some shelter and besides he does a lot in the community and I'm pretty sure if I went to any of the shelters in the area he would find out about within a day to the fact that we know a lot of people that volunteer in area shelters and no one can keep a secret in our community.

I'm sorry this post is so long but I just felt the need to explain how desperate and distraught I feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2001
In reply to: optimum14
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:25am
http://pages.ivillage.com/debi_1111/id83.html

Good morning and welcome to the board. You are in a safe place here, please don't tell him you are leaving him things get uglier when you do. Make any plans in quiet don't verbalize them to him.

Go to our home page and read as much as you can about domestic violence. My dear new friend I wish I could hug you. Know that I understand how trapped you must feel, I want to assure you that you can live a life free of this abuse. Unfortunately though I don't have hope that your significant other will change. People who are abusive have deep problems that i haven't seen ever reverse.

The above link has information on dv for various states. Go to the link find your state and read the information there. The shelter women go to isn't a homeless shelter its a domestic violence shelter for victims and their children, a place to go to and heal and start new lives. there are shelters everwhere in every community, you could go to one outside of your area. It won't be forever it will be for one moment in time in your entire life. At the shelter you will receive food, clothing, hope, free counseling, other women to bond with, training, assistance in finding a place to live. You will find laughter, court advocates, free legal councel. Its a place to start from. Its a place where a new life begins.

Read as much as you can, post often, breath, you are in the right place. All you have to do is find a little part of you inside that longs to be free, nuture that little spot and stay close to this board. The path will become clearer.

Don't give up.

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: optimum14
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:34am

Yap, Kanga is right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
In reply to: optimum14
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:30pm
My heart totally goes out to you and I so know how you feel and I would love to say the words that would make everything perfect for you again. What I will do is what others did for me abd that is offer you support and the knowledge that while everything in your life seems so bleak right now YOU do have the power in you to change that. I can totally testofy to that. I left my abusive stbx (soon-to-be-ex) 2 weeks ago and while it was not easy once the smoke settled I almost immediately began to feel better. I took my dd4 and my ds18mos and went to out local shelter. I really do feel your pain and understand your feeling sbout the Shelter and since the others have given you some great advice I will tell you that I am so glad I went to the Shelter. I really, really did not want to go, I had pictures in my mind that did not jive with my idea of living and I was wrong, really wrong. I have had tons of support, my children never want to leave, dd4 loves the playroom and the volunteers and the crafts and the snacks and ds is the center of attention. I sit up and talk to others and we laugh and compare notes and I finally feel as if I have reached into my heart and got it beating again. I had my hair done for the first time, bought new clothes and aside from a small panic attack I felt wonderful and in control. The best part is knowing that in 6 weeks I move into my own home and that in the 2 weeks since we have been gone my dd4 has shown such improvemnt that I cry. Truth be told it took me a long har struggle to let go of my apprehension and misconception and go to the shelter but for me the alternative was much worse. A lifetime of abuse not just for me but my children who stand every chance of growing up and either being abused or becoming abusive. This is what scared me the most. For a brief moment in our lives we will live at a shelter and the price is our ever lasting freedom. We still do all the same things, play laugh watch TV and maintain our schedule but we do it somewhere different.

Your house, your car, your clothes all of it mean nothing in the face of your freedom and the life you and your children. Take the car, I did. Take everything you can and teh get the rest later. Go back with police, you are entitled to half (chech your state I live in Canada so I am not sure). You can do it! Trust yourself and keep coming here to build your stregnth and courage.

Hugs,

Lisa
Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
In reply to: optimum14
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 8:50pm
Welcome Dear. There is a WORLD of help for you here and always a shoulder to lean on. I know that it took a lot of strength and courage to post and I congratulate you on taking this important step and reaching out for help. As Cathy said, this is an amazing place that can, literally, set you free...

I could have written much of your post and also didn't have anything that was "mine" the day I finally got "sick and tired of being sick and tired." It was on this day that my DH (now DX) assaulted me in front of our five year old daughter and in that moment, it became absolutely clear to me that my marriage was over. I filed the police report that day, got the OP on the following Monday, and never looked back. Was it easy? Oh my gosh, no! Absolutely the most difficult (and the best) decision I have ever made. At the time, I was a stay at home Mommy of two girls, 5 and 15 months and hadn't held a job in over five years, had virtually no assets/savings, the vehicle was in his name, etc..but I knew if I stayed I ran the risk of irreversibly damaging my girls, or ending up seriously injured...or worse. I just couldn't bear this thought.

The abuse in my marriage also began to get much worse after I stopped working and contributing financially and my DX has also called me all of the things you mentioned and a lot of other things, including how he couldn't wait for me to get breast cancer like my Mom and die and that he hoped it would be a prolonged death and that it would be great to watch me suffer. He used to always scream at me to get the F out of *his* house and to take my babies with me .

Like the others have said, despite ALL of the obstacles standing in your way, you CAN find a way through this. NO ONE deserves to be treated the way you are being treated and NO CHILD deserves to be raised in this environment. If you cannot see it for yourself right now, please understand that you have an obligation to your child to provide a home free from abuse. Leaving an abuser is a very difficult thing and we all understand this. Please know that we will be here to support you in any way that we can. Please DO read the articles on the homepage and scroll back in the archives through the stories that you will find, remarkably, mirror your own. ~~gentle hugs and much support your way