Birthday celebration for abusive h????
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| Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:47am |
Right now, we have no money in our mutual joint account...so I can make him a cake and that's about it. I have money in my PERSONAL account...but that comes from a partial IRA I cashed in to pay for bills that he has REFUSED to pay because they are "frivilous" (and he does not know how much I have in it)...so I don't want to use it for him.
I know this might seem like a simple solution, but I'm struggling with this. I feel guilty because I'm afraid I'll seem petty and childish to my kids, who will most likely say "well, just slap a gift on credit card" (oh, and thats one of the FRIVILOUS bills). There is also sooo much anger towards him that I feel like just "scr#$w you, you ain't getting a damn thing." I don't know....
I know that others have more pressing problems, as I've been reading on the boards today...but if anyone has btdt, I would like to hear your opinions.
thanks
dharma

I have not btdt but I suggest you do what YOU want to do. Do you feel like getting him a present? No? Yes? Do what you want. I know it is easy for me to say(and sure is hard for me to follow my own advice)but I think that is what you should do. Like someone else said...let your children get him their own presents. You do what you want to for him.
Hugs and prayers your way,
Ree
You're still 'with' your husband, so that makes a difference I guess. I always did whatever would buy me more peace regardless of my feelings on the matter. That goes from making dinner he liked to having sex to choosing gifts. After we separated I really thought that I wouldn't have to do a damn thing for him anymore..I was wrong. I still have to encourage the kids to show love and affection for the creep. His birthday was in December and I bought 2 canvases at wal-mart ( 2.00 or so each in the craft dept) and some acrylic paint & brushes. The kids put their hearts and souls into their little masterpieces and just so I could get through the exercise I had to pretend (to myself) the paitings were for me. They were really beautiful. My birthday was a couple of weeks later. My son kept talking about the gift he was going to give me. My birthday came and my son was crying that evening. We had a special dinner, played some games. Pulled out the sofa and ate popcorn and watched Wizard of Oz... A perferct birthday. Of course there were no presents at all. STBX didn't do a thing for them to give me something. My son was bawling. He asked me for paper and crayons and made me the most beautiful card ever. He colored an angel and wrote (in his 7yr old spelling) "You spred your wings like an angle" Hapy Birdthday Mom. He also gave me a shiny rock and a couple of his special lego pieces and a dime. I just sat and cried I was so happy!
Edited 2/23/2004 1:35:24 PM ET by detoutesmesforces
Thanks for your responses. I guess I really DON'T want to do anything, but there is a part of me that REFUSES to act like him and lower myself to his level (by NOT doing anything)...and since I believe that children learn by example, I want it to be a loving and kind example
I told my girls there was little money to be had and asked them for suggestions. They set about making their own birthday cards, deciding which cake to bake, and preparing him breakfast in bed and dinner that night. That to me, is better than any store bought gift anyway...and one that I know he will appreciate (now if ONLY he would do the same for ME--I know, I know...that's a stretch).
Thanks for your input!
dharma
oh, and detoutes...your story made me cry--it was very beautiful and touching--its gifts like that from our children that have MUCH MORE VALUE and are cherished forever.
The end of my tale is that not even a week later, regardless of my effort on his birthday, he assaulted me again -- this time in front of DD5 and I didn't have time to complete my "exit plan". That moment struck a chord of action in me and staying for final planning wasn't possible. You know, now that I've written all this, I really DO think my opening suggestion was the best advice of all!!!~~hugs
Dharma, I think you did the right thing.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
I get the craft stuff out and my guys make stbx cards to give him. My point to the boys is that it's not how much you spend that makes a gift great, it's the love that you put into the giving. Handmade stuff, from my guys, is the best gift I could get. I know it's a big let down for stbx. Oh well. I figure, if he wanted me to give a hoot about his birthday, he should have treated me better and we'd still be together. Just one more of the consequences of his choices. If he wants gifts from his kids he'll have to get gf to go shopping with them. For Christmas, he gets the years school pictures in cardboard frames, handmade by each of the boys.
Keep looking up^, Susan.
I know my girls told him of their plans after I left for class last night. We had decided on a cake, they made their cards, and we are still formulating a plan for breakfast and dinner. This a.m. my 5 yr old DD said "Daddy doesn't want the cake you were planning to make, he wants cupcakes instead" of course my knee jerk reaction was to think "you stupid m.f., I was going to make you (along with the kids) this really nice cake and when dd told you, you act like a jerk and say 'no, I want cupcakes'??" I don't know WHY but that really, really irritated...but I let it go and figured it was easier to have the kids to make cupcakes then this cake I was going to make.
Ugh, tomorrow is the birthday, but I really feel its better for the kids, example wise. I'm hoping its the LAST one I'll have to contend with. Its bad enough that lately he keeps acting like NOTHING IS WRONG and is making CONSTANT sexual inneuendos....like I'm ever REMOTELY interested, NOT!!!!
thanks for all the input