Birthday celebration for abusive h????

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Birthday celebration for abusive h????
8
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:47am
I feel kind of silly asking this question, when there seems to be more important things to attend to...but I wanted to get others opinions on this. My h birthday is on Wednesday. Of course, I have NO desire to do ANYTHING for him....BUT, my kids do. I've always been a HUGE birthday person (despite my h trying to kill that part off) and feel that it should be a big deal and have always made it so, despite my h making fun of me.

Right now, we have no money in our mutual joint account...so I can make him a cake and that's about it. I have money in my PERSONAL account...but that comes from a partial IRA I cashed in to pay for bills that he has REFUSED to pay because they are "frivilous" (and he does not know how much I have in it)...so I don't want to use it for him.

I know this might seem like a simple solution, but I'm struggling with this. I feel guilty because I'm afraid I'll seem petty and childish to my kids, who will most likely say "well, just slap a gift on credit card" (oh, and thats one of the FRIVILOUS bills). There is also sooo much anger towards him that I feel like just "scr#$w you, you ain't getting a damn thing." I don't know....

I know that others have more pressing problems, as I've been reading on the boards today...but if anyone has btdt, I would like to hear your opinions.

thanks

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 12:29pm
Well, if it were me, I wouldn't get him a cent for his bday.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:25pm
Dharma,

I have not btdt but I suggest you do what YOU want to do. Do you feel like getting him a present? No? Yes? Do what you want. I know it is easy for me to say(and sure is hard for me to follow my own advice)but I think that is what you should do. Like someone else said...let your children get him their own presents. You do what you want to for him.

Hugs and prayers your way,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:33pm
Hi Dharma,

You're still 'with' your husband, so that makes a difference I guess. I always did whatever would buy me more peace regardless of my feelings on the matter. That goes from making dinner he liked to having sex to choosing gifts. After we separated I really thought that I wouldn't have to do a damn thing for him anymore..I was wrong. I still have to encourage the kids to show love and affection for the creep. His birthday was in December and I bought 2 canvases at wal-mart ( 2.00 or so each in the craft dept) and some acrylic paint & brushes. The kids put their hearts and souls into their little masterpieces and just so I could get through the exercise I had to pretend (to myself) the paitings were for me. They were really beautiful. My birthday was a couple of weeks later. My son kept talking about the gift he was going to give me. My birthday came and my son was crying that evening. We had a special dinner, played some games. Pulled out the sofa and ate popcorn and watched Wizard of Oz... A perferct birthday. Of course there were no presents at all. STBX didn't do a thing for them to give me something. My son was bawling. He asked me for paper and crayons and made me the most beautiful card ever. He colored an angel and wrote (in his 7yr old spelling) "You spred your wings like an angle" Hapy Birdthday Mom. He also gave me a shiny rock and a couple of his special lego pieces and a dime. I just sat and cried I was so happy!


Edited 2/23/2004 1:35:24 PM ET by detoutesmesforces

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 9:58pm
To all~

Thanks for your responses. I guess I really DON'T want to do anything, but there is a part of me that REFUSES to act like him and lower myself to his level (by NOT doing anything)...and since I believe that children learn by example, I want it to be a loving and kind example

I told my girls there was little money to be had and asked them for suggestions. They set about making their own birthday cards, deciding which cake to bake, and preparing him breakfast in bed and dinner that night. That to me, is better than any store bought gift anyway...and one that I know he will appreciate (now if ONLY he would do the same for ME--I know, I know...that's a stretch).

Thanks for your input!

dharma

oh, and detoutes...your story made me cry--it was very beautiful and touching--its gifts like that from our children that have MUCH MORE VALUE and are cherished forever.

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:55pm
How about this year, we light the candles on H's head????? Who needs a cake? We will use his hair as candle holders and his ears for any extra candles. If we run out of room, he can bend over and.... I couldn't resist. Seriously, I DID have to spend one last birthday with DX (DH at the time) before the final "episode". I remember it well because his birthday was only one week after the assault that had prompted me to go to my counselor to tell him that I was leaving my marriage. I told him about what had happened; how H had headlocked and dragged me and threw me off the stairs, my badly scabbed legs, etc. It was the first person I had ever directly/completely told about it (the whole story); he didn't react at all -- no emotion, nothing. Well, less than a week later was DX's b-day. He wanted to go to the movies. I remember him grabbing my hand as we walked up to the show and I thought I might, literally, vomit. I was physically ill being with him, but I still did it. I don't remember what we saw. He said, "You couldn't even suck it up for my birthday could you you selfish B"? (referring to me not wanting to hold his hand) I said, "I'm here with you". He said, "You're just going through the motions and I know you're still angry with me". Bingo. But, I did the movie and the dinner and the after dinner cake and ice-cream with my parents and the girls..presents the whole thing. I hate that I did that for him and I hope you choose not to, but it's your call and it may be the best thing for the children's sake. But if you do, no fuss, just a cake and song -- explain no need for gifts with any ole explanantion (already gave, no budget for, doing something else with the money, whatever).

The end of my tale is that not even a week later, regardless of my effort on his birthday, he assaulted me again -- this time in front of DD5 and I didn't have time to complete my "exit plan". That moment struck a chord of action in me and staying for final planning wasn't possible. You know, now that I've written all this, I really DO think my opening suggestion was the best advice of all!!!~~hugs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 1:05am

Dharma, I think you did the right thing.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:08am
I know what you mean and I will not spend a red cent on stbx. He doesn't get a gift and I sure as heck am not going to bake a cake(too much temptation to 'add' something)

I get the craft stuff out and my guys make stbx cards to give him. My point to the boys is that it's not how much you spend that makes a gift great, it's the love that you put into the giving. Handmade stuff, from my guys, is the best gift I could get. I know it's a big let down for stbx. Oh well. I figure, if he wanted me to give a hoot about his birthday, he should have treated me better and we'd still be together. Just one more of the consequences of his choices. If he wants gifts from his kids he'll have to get gf to go shopping with them. For Christmas, he gets the years school pictures in cardboard frames, handmade by each of the boys.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 10:13am
Again, thanks Ladies, for all your responses! A couple of them made me laugh out loud, thanks. I really like using his head for the candles or slipping something into the cake--unfortunately, I've watched too many American Justices, Cold Case Files, and The New Detectives to see that you NEVER really get away with it (dang it all....it worked in "Arsenic and Old Lace", though....LOL!).

I know my girls told him of their plans after I left for class last night. We had decided on a cake, they made their cards, and we are still formulating a plan for breakfast and dinner. This a.m. my 5 yr old DD said "Daddy doesn't want the cake you were planning to make, he wants cupcakes instead" of course my knee jerk reaction was to think "you stupid m.f., I was going to make you (along with the kids) this really nice cake and when dd told you, you act like a jerk and say 'no, I want cupcakes'??" I don't know WHY but that really, really irritated...but I let it go and figured it was easier to have the kids to make cupcakes then this cake I was going to make.

Ugh, tomorrow is the birthday, but I really feel its better for the kids, example wise. I'm hoping its the LAST one I'll have to contend with. Its bad enough that lately he keeps acting like NOTHING IS WRONG and is making CONSTANT sexual inneuendos....like I'm ever REMOTELY interested, NOT!!!!

thanks for all the input