venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
venting
6
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:21pm
Today just started out horrible. Well at least when my mom entered it minutes before I walked out the door to drive my son 20miles to school. She told me she had talked to my husband earlier in the week and last night. That they had discussed him taking my car and her letting me use her car while he is gone down in school. Also my husband called my mom after I left his house last night to tell my mom that I didnt want to go to counselling with him. She confronted me this morning and told me she thinks that I should go...that I should at least go to one session with him. I told her I didnt see the sense in it. I swear the pressure from her and my husband is almost unbearable. That neither of them listens to anything that I have to say is smothering me. I have no urge to go back to my husband. I have not missed him once in the over 4 weeks I have been out of his house. And yet he is still sending out his tendrils of control. Talking to my mom. Dictating to me when he will call. Demanding to know what is going on. I thought I had told him over a week ago how I felt. Apparently he wasnt listening or didnt understand what I said. I am so sorry ladies and gents but I feel like broken record on here. Saying the same things over and over again. I had thought my mom said she wouldnt interfere...lies.

I am so stressed about not having a job. I am now down to my last 40 dollars. Then I will have to start asking my parents for money. I have applied at 6 different places and not a call back yet. Today I went and got another 2 applications...I should get more...but i am trying to watch my driving miles because I have a limited amount of money for gas left. Right now I have applied at a temp agency and a few other places...Bob Evans being one. I am following up on these this week to see if I can get an interview.

Sorry I just feeling so stressed right now. I guess I should have anticipated this from my mother and I had hoped that after I confronted her that she would not bring it up again. My husband had told her that he said the he wanted to go to counseling...bull...he told me that we could work things out ourselves and even just the night before I left he had told me that we didnt need a counselor. Now yet again I am the bad person because I dont want to go to counselling now. Although I am seeing a counsellor for myself from the local family services and shelter services. She has been a great help to me. My mom knows this but I think blows it off as she is not someone that will push me to get back together with my husband.

I just would ask all of you to pray for me so that I have the strength to deal with this and do what is in my heart and also please say a prayer for me so that I get a job soon.

1. I do not want to go back with him....I feel better away.

2. He is still acting controlling even though I am no longer living with him.

3. This IS the right thing for my son..even though my H and M say otherwise...he will grow up without such strict control over his life and he will have friends and be more confident

4. I can do this.


Hugs and prayers for you all,

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: reemeow
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 1:51pm
Oh wow Ree, it sounds to me like your Mom and H are stretching you like a rubber band, and stretching you so far to how much it takes to make you 'snap'.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: reemeow
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:16pm
Thank you so much for you words Wishful. My mom refuses to see that my husband is an abuser...just like she refuses to see that my father is one. I think in her world verbal abuse and emotional and sexual abuse are not abuse unless it is really violent and physical.

I found a number at my husbands house today and dialed it(I have to come there to feed my rabbits every day until I find new homes for them). It was for Christian Counselling services. What a hoot. He has not gone to church in all the years I have been with him. Except when we renewed our vows in the church and for my sisters funeral. I see this as his way to use God to make me come back to him. I can just see the counselor now...that a woman is supposed to be subservient to her husband. That God would want me to work things out with him. I see him twisting things around. He has already done that with my mother and with me...why not a counselor too? So that he can feel like he is the right one again...and I am wrong...crazy...the bad person for wanting to end this relationship.

Hugs and thank you so much for the prayers wishful.

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
In reply to: reemeow
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:38pm
You are welcome =)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
In reply to: reemeow
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 2:40pm

Ree, I sympathize with you, about the pressure, my ex h and I have been divorced for 3 years now and he still tries to control me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
In reply to: reemeow
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:48pm
Thanks so much. Again tonight was just another longer version of this morning with my mother. Only with her adding that if things dont work out with him that she thinks that I should live here for a couple years while she pays for me to go to school so that I can get a job that will be more that just a job that I get by on(gah sorry for the run on sentence hehe). I know that is a nice thought but frankly I dont think I want to be here another 6 months let alone another 2 years. And with her telling me she would be surprised if I found a job that can pay for a 600 dollar a month apartment really made me feel good too heh..bleh. Also she stood there and told me that I didnt have a good reason for leaving my husband...for being so upset with him. She asked me if there was someone else...like I am having an affair...NO I am not. Sigh. I just feel like screaming sometimes.

Then of course my husband called and tonight I told him what I am not happy with. And him pointing out that I have to think about our DS8 and that this will affect him in alot of negative ways. That when he hits adolescence(sp?)that he will need a father and that boys need their fathers when they get older and go through puberty. I told him he could be there for him. He said he couldnt be there everyday. That our son needs for him to be there every day. And then he was also pressuring me to go to counselling with him to try to work this out. That he can change things and his controlling. I told him he could change for a month or two but he cant change who he is and he would eventually go back to the way he was. He told me that I wasnt acting like myself tonight because I was angry and that I have been angry for a year now. Sigh. Sorry all. Thanks again for listening to me vent. Hugs to you all.

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
In reply to: reemeow
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 10:20pm
Oh, ree...

I don't know who I want to slap upside the head more...your h or your mother! Lol...I'm joking (well, kinda). Let me put a spin on this...if you've EVER wondered WHY you got involved with your husband...here's your answer...your mother has CONDITIONED you to tolerate the abuse because that is what SHE HAS DONE. She has NO IDEA where you are coming from...and most likely you are threatening HER comfort zone--if YOU are leaving your husband because of his behavior--what does that say about her current state??? She's probably wanting YOU to stay and tolerate because then she feels comforted by that (but enough analysis of your mom...I'll send her the bill later....LOL!)

Stick to your plans! Keep reading. Keep applying...something is BOUND to come up. Try not to get discouraged!!! I know this is so, so hard...but I firmly believe that something good will open up for you. Get to the library and get out books about writing resumes, cover letters and job interviewing. Look for tips on the web. Apply EVERYWHERE...somebody, somewhere, needs help do SOMETHING. Heck, look into babysitting jobs--anything to get the money going. When the time is right, the right job will go along.

But, please, don't doubt yourself---look at how you FEEL since you've been out...there is NO stronger indicator that you are on the right path!!!!

Big hugs!!!

dharma

ps...Christian counseling? ha, ha...what a joke.....that's almost as good as my h going to Mass every Sunday, but feeling totally justified treating me the way he does...he once even told me that by telling my oldest dd that she didn't have to go to Mass one week that *I* was putting my children in "grave mortal danger of sinning". I bust out laughing in his face...whatta hypocrite.