still trying to control

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
still trying to control
4
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 3:53pm
Why does he have to still try and control me. He knows just what to say to get me and I am blind to reality sometimes. He keeps telling me to quit smoking(a habit i picked up after leaving him)and to make up my mind about us. I know you have all told me no contact, which as far as me calling him, that has stopped. I haven't called him since last Wed or Thurs. He called me Fri, Sun and now 3 times today. It is just really hard for me to just push end on my cell when he calls. There is still a little part of me which wants to talk to him, to make sure he is okay, and just hear his voice. It is so hard after 10 years and being high school sweethearts.

I guess in a way he is trying to get me to blame myself more for what happenend. He can't seem to see the real reasons I left and wants to make me out to be the bad one. He also can't seem to see why we can't get back together, here. He wants us to try and work things out in another town, but i can't do it. I love the way i get treated now and i have gotten really close to my grandparents since my mom died 1/04. My stbxh would never go down there with me and didn't like my family. I have so much more now, but there are times when something will happen, whether a song, or I'll be doing something and he'll pop into my head and it takes so much not to pick up the phone. Things are better and I am getting stronger, but i don't know for how long. Thanks for letting me vent, i needed it. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 4:54pm

I too did the samething with my abusive ex bf.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 5:24pm

Hey -


I think you're at a point where you may want to consider an RO due to harrassment.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 7:57pm
Christina,

I know how hard it is to have no contact. Actually I have yet to even begin to have no contact and I dont know if I can while i am here with my mother and father. Since they seem to not understand what I am going through at all and believe that I need to keep talking to my husband to work things out and also because we have an 8yo son together.

Just try to feel a little stronger within yourself each day and you will eventually be able to have no contact. Maybe make a list of why you are no longer with your stbxh and remember one of those things every time that he calls? Maybe that will stop your finger from pushing the button to recieve the call. Hugs to you and I am praying for you to have the strength to do what is in your heart and what you know is right.

Ree

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:15am
Thank you all for reading. You all make really good points. I know i need no contact or at least only contact that has to do with the kids. It is just so hard. I spoke to him last night and it was fine up until the end when he started in on me about leaving him. He assumes i left him to be with kevin and that was not the main reason. He doesn't understand that i left because he put his hands on me. I admit, kevin was a small part of my leaving.I am just so confused. I really, in my wildest dreams,never thought i would leave John. I always thought we would be together forever and now that isn't gonna happen. Sometimes i just want my old life back when we were happy. There was lots of times when things were really good and i keep thinking about those times. I think of the last month and a half that we were together and how good he treated me, other then the day he went to jail, and i miss him. I miss seeing him with the girls, I miss having someone there who knows me better than anyone, someone who knows what i need. I miss him laying in bed and holding me, I miss hearing him tell me he loves me.



He was crying last night on the phone talking about all the things he misses. He hasen't had a home cooked meal in 2 months, he misses the kids, putting them to bed, seeing them in the morning and sometimes i wish i would have stayed for the kids. I really don't think he would ever put his hands on me again, but i know there is always that posibility. I could never be with him again, sexually, after him sleeping with the town tramp and he knows that. He hasen't been taking his meds(he's bipolar) and i feel like i still need to take care of him. I miss taking care of him. Oh, I hate this. I wish i could just leave everything behind and take my kids and move away from here. I can't take much more. My emotions are so messed up. I don't know what to feel. I sometimes wonder about the future. I don't know that i see myself with Kevin in the future. I mean things are great now, but I don't know that i will ever love someone the way i loved John for all these years. I just feel like i am going through the motions right now. I don't feel 100% stable where i am at. I wish i could say wholeheartedly that i wont go back to john down the road, but i can't. Christina

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