He called me today . . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
He called me today . . .
10
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:45pm
. . . and has me second-guessing myself, again. He told me he still loves me and that he's so sorry everything turned out the way it did. He told me he knows that most of the blame for our divorce lies with him, and he wishes he could go back and change things. He said he knows he took me for granted, and he wishes he hadn't. He told me that, if I wasn't seeing OM, he would want us to try to work things out again. But, he said he doesn't want competition. He said the only reason he refused to change the things I asked of him in order for me to move back in (before we decided for sure to divorce) was because of OM . . . he didn't believe me when I told him I would stop seeing OM forever if STBXH would *really* try to work on the relationship. He said he doesn't ever want to be with another woman, because no one could ever compare to me. He doesn't think he'll ever get over me, and he thinks that, because of what happened between us, he never wants to get married or be in any kind of relationship again. Most of his previous relationships ended this way, and he said he thought I was different -- he "put me on a pedestal."

I just feel so guilty. I wish I could turn back time and try harder. I miss him, and I wish I didn't.

~Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:00pm
Emm,

I feel your pain more then you could imagine. I miss my stbxh more than I could ever explain to anyone. Like yours, he says he's willing to change and deep down i do believe he could, he should me he could towards the end. He tells me he still loves me once in awhile and it is so good to hear that. My H gives me the same lines: you messed me up, I'll never look at women the same, I;ll never be in a committed relationshp again, and it really hurts to hear him say that. We both also have the OM thing goin on. He IS what keeps me from going back right now. He treats me like a princess. I;m not sure how it is possible to love two men in two totally different ways.

I wish you happiness whether with xh or OM. Do what your heart tells you, I know I am and right now my heart is telling me to see where things go w/OM, my head is telling me to go the other way and for once I am doing whats in my heart. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:03pm

Emm, how much harder do you think you could have tried?

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:20pm
Hi, Christina, and thanks for the emotional support. I feel like we're living the same life! Your OM is just like mine in that he treats you like a princess . . . mine even calls me that sometimes! He's such a great person, and he treats me so well -- but he's not the STBXH, and so everything feels kinda weird, if you know what I mean? It's like sometimes I have to watch myself that I don't accidentally call him by STBXH's name, or refer to one of his family members by the name of one of STBXH's family members. It's like I'm just so used to having STBXH around, and he's just not there anymore.

Meanwhile, STBXH still calls me "sweetie" and "baby" sometimes when we're on the phone, and he has to catch himself and correct himself, because he's so used to us being like that. This just hurts soooo bad! I wish it would just stop . . .

~Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 3:30pm
Thanks, Blue. I guess when I say I wish I'd tried harder, I mean I wish I'd put up with his BS longer . . . maybe he really would have changed, eventually. BTW -- it wasn't mine who made the strip-club comment. (I think that might have been Christina's, but I'm not sure.) In fact, mine keeps telling me he can't even bring himself to look at another woman. He said he tried going out with a girl who a friend of ours set him up with, but it just didn't feel "right." He said, when we were together, it felt "right."

Basically, when he stopped giving a sh!t about our relationship and began to *really* take me for granted and the abuse started to escalate, that's when OM came into the picture. It was never very serious with OM at all, until after I moved out. In December, I asked STBXH to do three things for me in order for me to feel OK about moving back in: (1) no more drugs in the house, EVER; (2) no more guns in the house, EVER; and (3) most importantly -- get counseling ASAP. At that time, he said he wanted the divorce. But, since then, he's done two of the three things (he still has his gun), but he says he realizes it's too late now. I keep telling him, I wish he'd done these things back when it could have made a difference, and I wish he'd said the things he's saying now back then, too.

He does still have our dog, but I'm moving him to OM's house ASAP -- probably mid to late March, when OM's STBXW leaves for boot camp. Shortly after that, I'm moving in with OM. (Still living at my Mom's, for the time being.) Also, we still need to get the refinance of our house completed, so that it's in STBXH's name alone. We also have a timeshare that needs signed over into his name, and his truck needs signed over into his name, but I won't sign the truck over until he provides me with proof that he has a loan for it in his name alone and that the loan in our joint names is paid off. (Also, he has to get the title from the bank in order for me to be able to sign it.) I think those are the last few things we need to get done. Then, he just needs to come to my office to sign one more paper for the divorce, and then it's completely over. I guess that will be a good thing . . .

~Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:01pm
It is just so funny how alike our situations are. I wish I had friends here who understood what I am going through. I know everyone here talks about the No CONTACT, but it is SOOOOO hard to do that. I go a few days and then he'll call me or I'll hear some rumor about him. I know I have no room to criticize him for being with anyone else, it just makes me sick to think of him with another person other than me. Why do we let ourselves be controlled by them? I know that is what they are doing, and yet we always seem to fall for it. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:10pm
Hey Emm! Another similarity, my OM is going through the divorce process right now with his stbxw and she is being a real b#$%h about the whole thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 4:24pm
Gee, that sounds familiar! ;oD

My OM's STBXW has failed to pay their mortgage payment for, oh, about SIX MONTHS now!!! Fortunately, the mortgage and deed on their house is only in her name, so it doesn't affect his credit. But, he's working on refinancing the house into his name (he's keeping it and we're going to live there), and he has to pay HER deferred interest to the tune of about $4,000!!! He should be getting about $5,000 back at closing, but because of her BS, he's only getting about $1,000. This really sux because we're trying to fix the house up a little bit before I move in (she left it a total pigsty!) and that $5,000 really would have helped. (We're remodeling the bathroom, painting all of the rooms, and refinishing some of the hardwood floors -- it's going to look *awesome*!) Also, we need to put up a fence for my dog, and that's going to cost a lot of $$$!

So, I've been trying to convince him to keep her car, which is in his name only, and is paid off. It's worth about $4,000 so, if he sold it, that would pay off the deferred interest he's paying for her. Besides, she can't have a car at boot camp anyway, so she'd have to put it in storage somewhere . . . because it's sure as HELL not sitting at our place until she gets out of basic, says my BF. But, he doesn't want to do that, because he told her (BEFORE he found out about the deferred interest, mind you) that she could have it and he would sign it over to her. So, I'm not sure what's going to happen with that, but I don't feel like it's really any of my business. Oh, what fun . . .

Love & Hugs,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 7:20pm
Hi Emm, its me again. lol

Do yourself a favor, and please just listen to me with an open heart and head and I will try my best to steer you in the right way, k?

As you know, I was an abused wife almost twelve years ago now. My ex was a drunk, he never had to use his hands that much because I was so extremely soft hearted, there was no need. Once I became strong, he wanted me back with a vengance, and still does to this day. I heard that he would change so much that I thought that he was a chameleon in a great disguise. Sweetie, he changed long enough for me to come back... and then it was worse... and I would leave and again the miraculous change, and when I came back... worse still. It kept on that way until one day, I hit my limit. I caused my children to witness alot of hurt and hardships, just because of blind and ridiculous hope. You always feel that there is one thing that you can say to make them stop, and to be a good man or woman - YOU CANT. There is no enlightening phrase to 'wake him up'.

He is now thirty-three this August and you know, he is STILL 'changing' yet staying the same. He is still the same pitiful and horrible person that he was, yet now it doesnt affect me or my girls anymore, and we have moved on, long long ago. He told me that he would never marry again, or date again. He should have qualified that with 'an adult'. The last girl that he got with three years ago was 15 when they met, and she got pregnant directly after. He just got out of jail yet again.

Please for your own happiness, give me a chance here. Let me tell you what I did...

I FORCED myself to follow through with the divorce. I told myself that if we were truly both now committed and changed and matured for the better, then I could decide to remarry him without reservations. A brand new fresh start. Believe me, I was NO stronger than you. I carried that in my heart until the day that the final papers came in. And then when I saw it signed, I cried and finally took off my rings. It was so very sad, but so very relieving also. I was ... ... ... free and OMG what a feeling. I knew in that instant that I would never willingly re-enter that hell. Ever. For once, I loved ME too dang much to let myself!

I didnt marry for six years, and he chased me the entire time. I would fall back and sleep with him, but after the first time I left, I got a taste of control over my own actions and I liked it. Leaving became easier until I was gone for good.

There were times that I nearly faltered, but I forced myself NO and I couldnt be happier with the man I have NOW chosen as my husband. He is so sweet, so thoughtful, so handsome, so EVERYTHING that I wanted. We have had issues, but its little spats, normal disagreements (Isnt that a wonderful word? 'NORMAL', lol) and though he is very tall and muscular, I can say with absolute certainty that he will never hit me. Ever. He values me, something that the other did only until he got me in marriage. This one just keeps going. This is love, the other was a lawful hell.

You can choose the comfort of what you know - the past, or you can take a risk at true love. The kind that lasts. Please in this instant, be selfish. He lived for however many years without you, you arent his mother, he will survive and will need to learn how to answer for his actions. If you take him back, he will learn nothing. He will change only what he has to to get you back, and then once he thinks you will stay all that comes back, and worse than before.

I am NOT saying its easy - its not. Its hard to be strong, and being strong doesnt mean that you arent scared - it means that you stand up while being scared. That word that rages inside you, the two letter one, is the one that you need to listen to. "No. nononononononono." Neither of you will ever forget, and you - after what you have been made to go through - could never forgive and move on. He destroyed everything by choice, it wasnt an accident, it wasnt a mistake, even children know what they can and cant do. They are never 'sorry' and it will 'happen again'. Let him be and be happy for you.

Take the life lessons that he gave you without having to repeat the course. Take less pain, take less hurt, take less fear. Love is not supposed to bring you those. Love brings you peace, comfort, security, ... ... love is supposed to bring you shelter, honey.

I hope that I have helped, but I can only hope. I just would hate to see you go back. He has everything to gain from it. You, on the other hand, have everything to lose.

Sincere Hugz (ps you can email me through the link in my profile if you want)

Randa (lisa)



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 10:36am
Hey, Randa! Thank you soooo much for your kind words! I just sent you an e-mail.

Love,

Emm

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 9:03pm
Enjoyed the email - sent you one back with some pics of my new life :)

Hope to hear from you again soon. :)

Randa(Lisa)

***Even the most docile animal will eventually get up and attack when repeatedly abused. Ready to get up yet?*** - my mother :)