h called, he wants me back!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
h called, he wants me back!!!
5
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:49pm
this started sat. when he came to pick up our daughter. he kept asking me to hang out w/him. to come over and watch movies. it was hard to say no but i did. i'm okay until he does this. now he jusy called me at work. third time today saying he has thought about me all day and all night last night. how he can't live w/o me and he just wants me back. i don't know i guess i feel sorry for him. i want to let him down gently. let him know there is no chance in he** i'll let myself be abused by him any longer. should i even want to be this nice to him??

i'm doing so good w/o him. i have my house and my kids and he is alone and not able to care of himself. he's already falling behind on his bills and all he has is himself and our (now his) dog. i guess now he sees how much i really did do and how much i did take care of. i know my porblems aren't as bad as some of you on here. i'm fortinate enough to have gotten out w/what i have w/o losing all i gained. but, inside i'm a wreck. i don't want him back. i don't want to hear his excuses. i just want to move on w/my life w/o feeling sorry for him. after all he did to me why do i feel sorry for him??? why do i feel as if i owe him something?? as if it's my job to be nice to him? am i still scared of him in some weird kind of way? b/c i don't feel scared. i know this is a phase. should i just lay it all out there and feel bad about it later or think my words through and pick them wisely. i just don't want him to do anything stupid, to me or himself.

thanks,

melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 2:58pm

Melissa Darlin, dont fall his tactics.

Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 7:37pm
You said, "i'm doing so good w/o him". And, I think so too. :^) **.....no contact..no contact...no contact....** and then decide if YOU want HIM back. This feeling of sadness and guilt is what we have become accustomed to in caring for our abusers. We are able to put the feelings of others before our own and feel the pain of others, but if the role were reversed, I can assure you that H would not be thinking twice about YOUR pain. If he was, you wouldn't be where you are today. I remember those feelings too, honey, I had tried so hard and for so long to "help" him...i was killing myself caretaking for him and his feelings and at some point you just have to reclaim your life and your spirit and know that you are also ENTITLED to make decisions that are just for you, for your spirit, for your children and for alls safety and wellness. This is one of those times. I know it is not easy, but you have the courage and strength to walk this path...~~gentle hugs
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:24pm
thanks for the advice. there is just one problem. we have to keep in contact. we have a daugther. i did find the strenght w/i myself last night to stand up to him. i haven't seen that part of me in a long time but i really liked regained control of the situation and hopefully real soon it'll be my life. i made it known that there was nothing he could say or do to get me back. i told him all i remember are the bad things. i lied! but, he doens't have to know that. then i told him we should keep our conversations short. all i need to know is when he would pick up anna and when he would bring her home. he cried and in a sad voice said well i should let you go and then i said okay, bye. i hung up and cried myself. this isnt' easy, but at least i know what i want and i hope i'm going about in the right way to get it. don't you guys get lonely? i just keep asking myself if i'm willing to sacrifice my happiness so i won't have to spend the rest of my life alone. i've decided i'm okay w/being alone.

thanks again,

melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:43pm
Sweetie, there are ways to maintain "no contact" even when there are children involved. When I left, I felt very lonely. I missed the emotional contact. I missed the intimacy, and I missed the sex. That's the hardest to let go of. You will not be alone forever. Believe me when I say it gets easier. you are smack dab in the middle of the hardest part of leaving...staying out.

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 4:23pm
Melissa, you are doing a great job. You should be so very proud of yourself right now. Just the fact that you told him that you need to keep the conversations short and on the topic of the kids only is proof that you understand the importance of no contact. Unfortunately, we don't get to deal with rational adults when we are leaving an abuser. I've found the best way to deal with these guys is via email. Everything is in writing and it gives you the time and distance necessary not to get sucked into the BS. It's something you should definately consider. I finally went to email only after listening to some tapes of attempts at rational, productive phone conversations. What an eye opener!(machine available at Radio Shack for $69 canadian)

Never sacrifice your happiness - you are never alone.

Keep looking up^, Susan.