The cycle- verbal abuse/isolation

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
The cycle- verbal abuse/isolation
1
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 5:28pm
Why is it that when you finally start to have some confident, for the first time in a long time, things are going great for you, that some person who has none resents you for it? They cling to you and won't let go and completely violate your personal space. You want to branch out, leave your old self behind, and they suddenly see it as abandoning the relationship? YOu go out of the way to include the person, get to know them and make sure they're included, but all they can do is

diss people you trust or try to trash their reputations, and they pretend to like the person when they're around but they dominate conversations, then call them names behind their back when only you're around. You outgrow a hobby because you're older and it just

doesn't interest you anymore, you think 'not that again' and they try to force you back into it or constantly come to you for favors saying that you can do it and they can't, yet the second you have to do something else and turn around they're perfectly capable of doing it themselves. When you ask them about it, they say they just didn't want to do it themselves. Soon, they start building you up on one specific character trait while discounting all the rest when the one they like isn't even important to you and doesn't interest you in the least. They complain when you have low self-esteem because you're always 'negative', but when you have high self esteem and seek out your own interests, they accuse you of 'complaining' if you speak up around them and won't do everything they want to do or talk to who they want you to talk to. They can have high values about something, if someone else goes against it they're called out on it, but its quite alright if they do it because they're entitled to have someone else lie for them about it. I had a few people in my life who were like this. I was blindsided to it and didn't see it coming, but when I tried to branch out and be a more sophisticated, independent person first thing they do is try to make me out to constantly need their 'help', its like they could never do enough and if I didn't accept it I was being 'ungreateful.' when their help really wasn't needed. Yet if you don't pick up on what they want and take orders, they don't have the decency to ask you themselves, they go to someone else and have you ask them for them, but they make sure they're not even around so you can't defend yourself. I've came to the conclusion that if someone can't talk to me themselves or has to get other people involved, they're not worth crying over. After dealing with a few of these people, I figured out what was up and put them in their place, and promptly ended the relationships. Even though they had made it clear they were angry with me for not taking orders from them, they kept pressuring me to come back. I didn't. Since then, my relationship luck has turned around. Since I've learned how to stand up to these people, I've learned what to look for earlier on, then it was easier to seek out more positive people.
Avatar for azmommy35
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 11:42pm
Well it sure sounds like you have learned a lot of valuable lessons about the abusive personality and how to stay away from it. Sadly, I don't think I'm very good at this yet. I am light years better than I was, however. As I thought back upon this past year, the men I dated that I was, honestly, most attracted to were men I thought, ultimately, had the greatest potential to be abusive. That really scares me and I am beginning to wonder if there is something inherently wrong with the part of me that makes me feel attracted to someone else. I remember someone posting (i think it was chaotican or jeepster) about how we get so used to living in this very "high drama" world filled with tons of emotional energy, that when a "normal" man comes along, we often mistake him for boring and ho-hum everyday. There may be some truth to that, I'm not sure. I guess that's what this whole process is about --leaning lessons and growing from them. I'm glad you have so many great insights to share~~always hope