I made an appt. to file for divorce....

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
I made an appt. to file for divorce....
9
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:30pm
Next Tuesday at 3 pm...I'm nervous and excited, scared and exhilarated at the same time. I just have had enough. The final straw was yesterday's appt. with my youngest dd's ENT, who again recommended tubes in her ears. Despite being on antibiotics for 2 weeks, her ear is still red and inflammed. He said eventually she'll have permenant hearing loss---that was enough for me. I could tell my h was getting upset during the meeting.

He refused to speak to me about it afterwards or even in the evening....and YELLED at me that he was "too angry to speak about it" (but exactly WHAT he was angry about...I didn't know). This morning, I pressed the issue and it basically comes down to him telling me to pull her out of daycare permenantly and stay home with her. I told him I am going back to work....which launches him into the whole "you're selfish, self centered, care nothing but yourself and willing to sacrifice your children's health" routine. I applauded him for his Oscar winning performance (really, it was quite stunning...move over Sir Lawerence Olivier).

When he left for work, I called and scheduled the surgery for next Wednesday 3/3. I then called the lawyer and told him the score....we made the appt. He said if h wants to cancel the appt, make HIM do it...then we would have to get a court order/injunction and see what we could to about medical neglect, ESP cause the dr. is concerned about permenant hearing loss.

So, on top of this...I have a job interview on Friday for a Drug Treatment Court...panel interview with 2 Judges; sent my resume out to another place--that looks REALLY promising--if I can get this job PLUS the previous (they are both part time, under 20 hours) I would be in GOOD financial standing!! and have to prepare for a presentation for a class on Monday...and do a court room observation for my class next week.

Please send me all your positive thoughts...gosh, I need them....right now everything is spinning....lol....guess, I should stop and breath a bit.

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 1:45pm

Oh, my holy Moses is he whacked.


Dharma, you are 100% doing the right thing, on all fronts.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:19pm
Dharma'


Good luck with the surgery. My oldest d had it done at 25 months old and (knock on wood) has only been sick twice since. Once with an ear infection and once with tonsilitis, she is now 7. It is scary to know they are going in for surgery, but it's over pretty quickly. Things will go good, I;m sure. Does anyone smoke around her, either at home or anything? We determind that was the cause of my D. My mom had her a lot and she smoked in the house and in the car with the windows cracked. Good luck with the divorce papers, i wish i had the strength to do it, but i can't just yet. I need more time. If he served them to me i could go through with it. Christina

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:32pm
Good for you Dharma.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:42pm
Hi Dharma!

I'm so glad for you that you're on the road to freedom! About the ear thing: my friend's daughter never spent a day in child care and needed surgery. The surgery isn't your husband's problem by the way. I had to have attorney's involved in getting a wart removed for my daughter. The problem is that you aren't letting him be the boss and make the decision. You questioned his authority. Good luck with filing. It is a very powerful & scary time, but it sounds like you have your ducks in a row. Have you thought about how to have him served and how/if to tell him? I really messed up that part and even in retrospect I don't know what I SHOULD have done!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 4:27pm
detoutes! You're going to leave me hanging???? LOL! What HAPPENED in your case????

My lawyer suggested to have him served at work..but we'll discuss it more on Tuesday. I'm nervous about that because I'm afraid he'll be embarrassed, and if he gets embarrassed, he'll be PISSED. I'm planning to be gone the day he's served and try to pick up the kids after school and make myself scarce...but I'm nervous (even though he's NEVER been violent...he strikes me as someone who would SNAP OUT---you know the one that becomes violent and all the neighbors interviewed say "But he was so quiet and seemed like SUCH a nice guy"). I have told my sister...and I do have a safety plan and plan to sleep with my cell phone just in case...better prepared? I suggested telling him beforehand and the lawyer originally said not to, but then said if I felt it would make things better at home, to do so. So I don't know....

Any feedback from anyone who's done this???

Everyone THANKS for your feedback. I KNOW the surgery is the right thing...but I dread the war that will ensue once he finds out (today's his birthday...jerk....so I'll wait to tomorrow to tell him).

Christina...you'll get the strength from somewhere. You just reach a point where you think, enough is enough....but everyone is different. THIS was my breaking point. It will NEVER get better here...countless counseling has proven that. I just keep telling myself that it will be better, someday...but right now, its going to be kind of sucky for a while.

Thanks again!!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:13pm

Dharma -


If at all possible, do not be anywhere near the house that night, and possibly for the rest of the week.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 5:17pm
Dharma,

It was terrible! I came here only a couple of weeks before meeting w/ my attorney. I met with her and signed papers. I told her how worried I was about how he'd find out. She said they could call him and ask him to come in or I could tell him if I thought it would go better. I was SO scared about what his reaction would be. I told him. He wasn't mad, he cried and cried. He was completely distraught. I tried to talk about how he could leave the house or I would etc. but he wouldn't. I went outside to bring him a sandwich and asked him to call his brother or someone to talk to. (he had made suicide threats). I came back out a bit later and he was acting all weird and cagey and was on the phone. He said "You frighten me, you can't just threaten people". I left him outside still on the phone. I went in and had the kids get shoes on, grabbed them each some pj's out of the laundry basket on the table and hustled them out to the car. I saw that he had taken the garbage cans out to teh curb so he was kind of far away. I got in the car and he heard the garage door go up. He started running up the driveway. I ran over my bike and he stopped the car. He banged on teh windwos and screamed for the kids to get out. He tried to hold the car back. I squealed the tires and zipped right out the driveway with him chasing. I looked in my rearview mirror and saw 4 cop cars right behind me. They pulled me over a couple of blocks away and screamed at me to put my hands out the window and were yelling about weapons. To make a very long, scary story just a little shorter: The reason he was acting weird: He had just called the police and told them that I had threatened to shoot him. I didn't know that until the cops pulled me over of course and had to tell them the whole story about abuse, divorce, etc. in fronty of my 4 & 6 yr old (they were in the backseat bawling). Moral of the story? No matter how tempted you are to 'soften the blow' or how scared you are of making him angry and how much you are just afraid of now knowing what he'll do DON'T TELL!! I don't know what I should have done. Probably since I was afraid of him and he was physically abusive (I didn't know his kind of abuse counted as physical until later) I should have gotten the RO before I told him and filed and just left town till the dust settled. I did leave with teh kids that night and went somewhere safe where he would never guess. I urge you to make a real, solid plan and to plan for the worst just in case. Best of luck hun!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 6:31pm
You've got them lady!!! When I made my appointment with my attorney I went on autopilot. Never thought about about anything, just I had an appointment to keep. In fact now that I think about it, it is kind of funny. My counselor said you need a divorce now, so I go can you recommend and attorney. He gave me his name, I called him,made an appointment and went. I sat and talked with him for about 2 hours and then he said are you ready to file. I just looked at him and said no, should I? He looked at me in disbelief and looking back now I know why. Who would make an appointment to get a divorce and walk out not filing? Only this blonde. Keep yourself focused...you've got some great opportunities to escape. I am very happy for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:42am

Good for you, Dharma.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you