I really need some help

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
I really need some help
7
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 5:38am
hi

i posted on here a couple of days ago. i'm not with my partner at the moment, but we're in the process of trying to arrange some couples' counselling to try and work out our relationship. i want to tell me story and get some outside point of view.

when i meet my bf i thought he was the most wonderful person i'd ever met. we got on great for about 3 months, but then it all started to go wrong. we weren't living together but he'd say he'd come over to see me (i have a little girl from a previous relationship so i can't go out much) but he'd go down the pub first of all and turn up 3 or 4 hours late, drunk, saying that i had a problem with him going out. he'd get verbally abusive, and tell me that i was the one with the problem. this went on for a few months, until i got pregnant. i didn't want to have a baby so i had an abortion. after that, the physical violence started. very mild at first, just pushes and shoves, slaps or soft punches to the body - which he would totally denied had happened. this continued on for about 2 years, in which time i had a baby with him (he hit me whilst i was pregnant) but still he completely denied that he was doing anything.

after the baby was born, he stopped going out so much, but he started being always 'stressed out', calling me a freak, swearing in my face, and gradually getting a worsening relationship with my daughter. he's even said that she abuses him by talking back to him. he's kicked her, pulled her hair, called her names (like fatso and f*cking bitch) and he denies doing all of that to her too.

about 10 months ago, our relationship was getting more and more strained. it was his birthday so i arranged a surprise party for him with all his friends. he was in a bad mood with me right from the start of the evening, and as the night progressed it got worse. he wouldn't let me go anywhere that wasn't next to his side, although he didn't want to talk to me because my mere presence made him even more angry. to cut a long story short, it ended up with him trying to strangle me, and having me on the floor kicking me. the police turned up and took me home. i left the morning.

for the first time ever, he admitted that he'd done something. he had to, he'd left me with bruises, hit one of his friends and i'd left him. he promised to get counselling - which he didn't, and although i didn't want him to, moved back into the house.

like i said, that was 10 months ago. over the past 10 months, he's not been violent with me, but he's been unkind, forced me to have sex when i don't want to, and started to be really unkind to my daughter.

so why do i feel like i want to go back to him? why do i want to work things out? he's abusing my daughter - why do i give him the time of day? i keep saying to myself, i don't want this to be true, i don't want it to be happening. i feel so weak, i've got hardly any friends left, and the ones that i do have are telling me that i'm as bad as he is. is this really happening to me? am i in real danger? please can someone give me the benefit of their experience and help me through this hell?

Avatar for cajunharmony
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2001
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 8:40am
Welcome to the board, humangoal. You probably aren't going to like what I have to say but it does need to be said. First of all, you are most definitely a victim of abuse, as is your daughter. DO NOT return to this man, as the abuse WILL escalate. DO NOT seek couples counselling, as it has been proven that it DOES NOT work in abusive situations. All too often the abuser uses what is said in couples counselling to perpetrate even more abuse upon his victim. Abusers very, very rarely change and this only occurs after extended counselling and a concentrated effort by the abuser to make a complete lifestyle change. The statistic is somewhere around 1%. NOt very good odds, is it? Now, on to addressing the issues regarding your children. By allowing them to remain in this environment of abuse and to experience direct abuser herself, you are endangering your child, pure and simple. In doing so, if word ever gets to the social service agency in your area that this has happened, you are at risk for losing your child due to "failure to protect". You can be charged with child abuse yourself. And you would be guilty of it, simply by returning to your bf and allowing him to perpetuate abuse on this child. She is defenseless and unable to protect herself against him. It is up to you to do this. Frankly, speaking for myself, if anyone ever did that to my child, their days on this earth would be VERY numbered.

Please visit this boards resource pages and learn all you can about the dynamics of domestic abuse and how you can get you and your child to safety. Healing from abuse is a process that takes lots of work, soul searching and counselling by a qualified therapist who is specifically trained in treating clients who are victims of domestic abuse. Again, couples counselling is absolutely useless in situations where domestic violence is a component. The most effective method of getting on with your life and healing from the abuse is to maintain a very strict NO CONTACT policy. Do not speak with your abuser on the phone, in person or via any other means. Domestic abuse is all about power over and control of anther person and a person makes a conscious decision to abuse. He will not change, especially since he doesn't think he has a problem. At this point, he's telling you everything he thinks you want to hear, hoping it will entice you to return to him, so that the cycl can start all over again, possibly with worse abuse to you and your child. You don't mention in your post if he was arrested when the strangling incident occurred, but he should have been.

Good luck on your healing journey, human goal. Please do not return to him or seek couples counselling. Seek counselling for yourself and your children, so that you might understand what has happened to you and what can happen if you DO return to him. Contact your local domestic abuse shelter for information on support groups, attorneys, and on counselling. They are a wealth of information and support and you and your children deserve a life free of abuse. God Bless, Mama Harmony

Mama Harmony

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 10:17am

To prevent from sounding like a broken record, what Mama Harm told you is right on the money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 12:58pm

Hi Human and welcome back -


Mamacaj and Wishful are 100% correct.

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:51pm
You must stop for a moment and think hard about what you want for yourself and your daughter. The advice given of the other posters here is 100% bonafide true and the only way to do it.

I want to let you know that my children were taken from me from social services because I would not leave my abuser. That could happen to you any day. I got them back when I had him charged and jailed. Do not risk your children.

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 6:16pm
Hi,

I hope that when you read this you are feeling better. I really do hope that you gain confidence and leave him. You don't deserve to be treated like that. Forced to have sex, that is being abusive. Being mean to you or your child is uncalled for. You have to set a line, either he gets counseling with you or you and your children will leave. To be honest, I did couple counseling and you know what happened. My ex beat me up the same night we had counseling, I ended up in the hospital. He used everything positive the doctor had said and switched it on me. He beat me so bad. If you feel in your heart that he could do this too, leave him. I know it hurts and that you feel vuneralbe, but that is because you are used to this. You are used to this unkind treatment and it is so unfair for a human being to be treated this way. Are you religious? I am finding help through the Lords words and my church, maybe you might want to do the same, at first I was all ah it won't work. It has my heart is streghtning. I hope everything goes well for you, god bless you and your little angels

Bella

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:06am
thank you all for your messages. i know what you're saying is true. i just don't want to believe it! one of you asked whether i knew in my heart that he would beat me up again. he says he won't, but then he says a lot of things and acts in completely the opposite way. but i also remember the last 2 times he attacked me. i was so scared, and i'm even too scared to tell him i'm scared because i know it'll make him angry. not much of basis for a loving relationship really, is it?

i have left him. i've told him it's over. this feels like the hardest thing i've ever had to do, and i feel all this rage inside me of screaming 'it's not fair'. and it's not. my daughter is, of course, over the moon that he's gone. she's so sweet. and i feel so awful that i've allowed all of this to happen to her.

anyway, thank you all. my thoughts are with any of you still living this hell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 8:32pm
I just want to wish you all the best in the world. I know that one day - if not already - you will feel so happy and so relieved to have broken free.

If doubt ever sets in or he is tries to get you back, remember how he hit you, don't ever forget the gesture and lack of love and respect that he has showed you and your daughter. Never.

May angles watch over you :)