counseling for kids after abuse is over

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
counseling for kids after abuse is over
6
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 2:30pm
is this something i should consider? i know my kids have been through a lot. they've seen me get pushed, slapped, and called many names. mostly disrespected. they've been pushed, treated unfairly, and called names. as you know i've left my h. it hasn't been long and my three children are completely driving me crazy.

they talk back to me all the time. i know it's got to be hard trying to handle all of this so i try to stray from too much disipline. but, i'm wondering if there is something else i can do. if they really need to talk to someone. i have a 5 yr. old, 3 yr. old, and 13 month old. my three yr. old talks back to me, doesn't want to come home when i pick her up from daycare, she sits and screams and kicks her legs until i have to pick her up and drag her out. my 13 month old is always wanting to be held, she is all of a sudden needing all this extra attention. then, my 5 yr. old just won't listen to me. it's insane!! i know this could be normal behavior but they've never acted like this before. well, before they couldn't do anything they wanted. could this be from the abuse or the stress from the seperation?? did any of you have to seek out counseling for your children and if so did they act like this? or am i just disecting every little move they make?

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 2:41pm

Kids are extremely perceptive, and can pick up when things aren't "right".

CL-Blueliner4

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 4:13pm
i sought counselling for my child almost immediately. It is very abusive to children to witness the abuse of their parent. My son is still in therapy after 16 months (he jus turned 8). My daughter was young, she wasn't quite two, but is still haunted by memories. Often she will talk about her "old daddy" and how he would yell at me. I have been looking into counselling for her as well at his point. I thought she was too young to be affected, but she in fact was affected very deeply.

I took a course dedicated to parenting children exposed to domestic violence. I have a tonne of information on the subject.

sarahanne00@hotmail.com

Go ahead and email me if you have more questions. I'd be happy to dig the stuff out for you.

Sarah
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 6:01pm
Hi,

I just got on the board the other day. I also have been through abuse. My son didn't see it, but he would hear the name calling, the hitting etc. I haven't put him in counseling yet, but I am going to consider it. Are you in counseling yourself? I am. It helps. Also I go to church and read the bible. That may help you to. It is a good idea to get help for your children also. They obviously have been affected as mine, and it isn't their fault. They don't know how to express their anger other than acting out. I hope this helps. Good luck with the babies, when they are getting on your nerves just take a deep breath and tell yourself you can do it..

Bella

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 6:21pm
Hey there, this could be from the abuse, and it could just be from the strain of the separation, and it could be that they have all hit an independant streak, at the same time. My boys are 7,8&9. I can tell you, your 3 yr old, IMO, is doing absolutely, age appropriate testing of the boundries and your 13 mo. old will be held, as much as they will get you to hold them. Your 5 year old will go through more than the other two simply because of the age. Separation anxiety or similar, can occur just because their life is different than it was. Had you been a part of a healthy couple and the entire family, happily moved to a new house, there would be an adjustment period too. I do not mean to minimize what all of you are going through, by any means. Change causes change.

In Canada, unless I have sole custody, any counseling my boys have must be reported, including all the details, to both parents. It's just too dangerous for them to open up. I don't have sole custody yet but, two years have gone by and time, itself, has taken care of most of my initial concerns. My guys were 5,6&7 at the time and they remember very few of the details today. I did get the two oldest boys a couple counseling sessions along with, and under the guise of, acedemic testing. Stbx is not interested in anything to do with that(yet still is fighting for joint custody-go figure?)

One thing I can tell you that popped out from your post. You said, "i know it's got to be hard trying to handle all of this so i try to stray from too much disipline" I learned that the best thing we can do for our children to help them through this is to be consistant. They look to us for the clues and attitudes about what is going on. In my opinion, that is a big mistake, made by a lot of us, not too much dicipline. They need to know a consistant parent and they need to know boundries. It is security to know that, while everything else may be changing, my mom expects manners. While everything else is changing, I still have to listen to the rules. While everything else is changing, Mom still loves me and takes care of me(including teaching me right from wrong) You also said, "my three children are completely driving me crazy" I am not judging you at all when I say that they may be driving you crazy because you are showing them that they are allowed to. I'm only speaking from hard learned experience when I say, you are the boss! They will be just fine as long as the boss stays in charge.

You have plenty of opportunity to show them the mushy love you feel. Be careful not to mistake undeserved guilt for motherly love.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:52am
Hi Mel,

I my kids are 4 & 7 (were 4 & 6 at separation). Both had counseling right away and counseling is continuing every otehr week for my 7yr old. There were not many play therapists in my city, but you might find some willing to work with your 5 yr old. It is unlikely they'll want to work with the baby and pre-schooler because they just don't have the language to talk about their feelings yet, but there is help for you to help them with their emotions (and yours) and to set up boundaries. My shelter has counselors and support groups. I highly recommend Lundy Bancroft's book "The Batterer as a Parent". He has alot of excellent insight to the problems we face. One very important point (also made by Bama I think) is to insist on complete respect in your house. When we moved out we made some very important rules (no name calling, no screaming, no hurting anyone, no smashing objects, each person's room is their private space (invite only), etc. and we threw out alot of "dad rules". Take this opportunity to teach your kids new ways of responding to dissappointment and anger and get the help you need in establishing your authority (in a loving way).

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:54am
My kids are acting the same way. I have 2 girls ages 5 and 7 and they are both in a form of therapy. My 7 yr old goes to a group each friday that her school offers. It is for kids whos parents are divorced or seperated. It teaches them to deal with their feelings. My 5 yr old goes to a therapy session each week for an hour. I haven't seen much change yet, but they both just started. I do see an attitude when they ome home from seeing their dad and if they get in trouble, they say they want to go live wiith their dad. Good luck and hang in therre. Christina

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