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| Thu, 02-26-2004 - 10:55pm |
I wanted to go to a jeep event this summer, I have told my dh this many times. He said we could go (stupid that I even need his permission but . . . ) so, I registered and booked a hotel for 4 of us, dh, myself, ds 11 and dd 17. I told dh. His response - you and ds can go. Why can't he just once support what I want? I know, I know.
Ok, so, I'm happy about that. I had a good day today at work, very interesting conversation with a boss and co-worker. They are both at different levels of awareness in regards to my personal life (especially as my dh works at the same place). Anyway, felt pretty decent as I came home.
Then I find what appears to be a used condom in my dd 17 yo's trash can. She and her bf have been here alone for the afternoon. Mmmh - now I have asked her in the last couple of weeks if she is sexually active, she insists that she isn't. Even tonight, as I was trying to talk with her, she still insisted she had not gone all the way. So, now I'm left trying to be a mother and guide her and all the while, in the back of my head I'm thinking - what difference does it make? She will have sex eventually. I can't stop them. They'll do it here if they can't do it here, they'll do it somewhere else. I can only hope that she realizes how connected your first sexual partner can be, but then she said something that made me realize that she is already too connected. I'm her mother. I don't know what to say to her. I don't know what is right. What difference does it make what I say anyway? Remember being 17? Did any of listen to our mothers?
I cried. I haven't cried at home in quite awhile. But nobody saw. Nobody knows. I'm so afraid of letting anyone know how I feel. Why? What happenend to me when I was a child that has caused me to suppress my feelings from everyone? What am I afraid of?
How can I help her? Should I? She knows I love her and only want the best for her. But what good will it do to alienate her? By telling her she can't have her bf here unless there is someone else here? Then she'll just go someplace else. They figure out a way to do what they want to do.
Then I think, she has her whole life ahead of her. I want her to have a wonderful loving caring relationship with someone. Her bf is very kind and romantic with her. They seem to be good together. He has continued with his friends, she has continued with her friends. They are both involved in sports in school. But I'm scared for her and then I wonder - am I jealous of her? She has the opportunity of her entire life ahead of her. And me? I'm half way through my life and I've been miserable for half of it. I don't want my kids to remember me as being unhappy. I want them to remember as happy.
I don't know if I can do this. I can't stay, but I don't know if I can leave. But I know that I deserve better than this. It's late, I've rambled on long enough.
Thanks for listening to my venting.
Pam

I remember how sad and scared I was when I found out that Dani was sexually active.
Peace and hugs,
Cheryl =)
The minute you settle for less than you
I remember when I took my daughter to the doctor's to take care of the matter. It's a weird feeling. That is one thing....Nicole was told that I was jealous of her. Sometimes I wondered that myself, but I knew better. I like you wanted her to end up in the best relationship possible. I didn't want her to end up like me. It is totally natural to worry but the bottom line is they have to live their own lives (maybe I need to take that advice myself!) You did the right thing talking to her. What I did was tell my daughter that if she needed me to go with her to the doctor's, just let me know.
Another thing is planned parenthood. She can go there herself without anyone knowing.
Ramble all you want. Sometimes it's really hard to figure out what you truly want.
Terry