update

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
update
3
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 11:31pm
for an update: i had a meeting today with my social worker (who is actually really nice and trying to help me out) and her supervisor, who is a complete hag who doesn't care about anything beside her own a$$. the superviser treated me like complete trash, like something she'd scrape off the bottom of her shoe. she fought me on every single thing, from the safety plan, to visitation, to closing the case, and managed to make me feel like absolute sh_t in the meantime. for the way she was treating me you would think i was steph's parents, (no offense steph, but that is even worse than my childhood, and not alot of people can top that one!) not someone who has done everything possible to keep her children safe. it was the worst hour of my life, and that's saying a lot. after fighting tooth and nail for over an hour, we finally came to a tenuous peace, but this woman has lied to me before so i don't put a whole lot of faith in anything she says. when i left her office i just broke down in tears of frustration and anger, and it took me a good 15 minutes to get myself together before i could pick up the kids. i can't even discribe how horrible it was, and people have been known to suffer cps/dss retaliation for things posted online, so i don't want to give any identifying info about the case, but it was really bad. just the obvious disgust that this woman had for me, i don't know if it was because i'm a "victim," or because she thinks i'm an abuser myself, or if that is just her normal attitude towards her clients, i don't know. at one point i just straight up told her: "hey, it's obvious that you don't like me, and trust me, the feeling's mutual, but i swear to god if you let your personal emotions effect my case i will have your job."

that actually got a smile out of the witch, i 'bout died.

it's just so wrong to be on trial for something i did my best to PROTECT my kids from. and it's so impossible to win with them, for example, something really strange went down with my case last week, (again, trying to be circumspect) that involved some misinformation and a sudden switch of case workers from an investigative worker (ie, i have not been convicted) to a treatment worker (i HAVE been found guilty) without me being informed of anything whatsoever, combined with a sudden inability to get in touch with my old worker (her voicemail was cut off and her cell phone just rang and rang). obviously i was concerned, and being unable to get in touch with anyone i packed up the kids and went down to dss. i spoke to the people i needed to, (and got very bad reactions btw, one was so kind to say "you better watch your back," and another one said "expect us to drop in whenever we feel like it.") that 'visit' was at the drop of the hat, i actually just picked up the kids and ran, and the kids were tired, cranky, and hungry, not to mention bored, and i was doing my best to entertain them, as well as talk to the people i needed to in an intelligent manner, and i think i did damn good. tristan (15 mo) was particularly fussy. i was trying to be sympathetic and amuse him, so i gave him a non-toxic marker WITH THE CAP ON, to him to play with. he was fine with that for a while, but then he got pissed and started screaming and BIT me! now he is a smart boy and he knows better than that, so i held him up in front of me and said something like "tristan, stop, you don't bite me, stop it, sit still and be good!" normal right? well today i caught a glance of the workers notes from that day, and it says "clarity seems to have unrealistic expectations for a one year old, and omg, she gave him a marker!!! that is not a safe toy for a baby!!!" wtf, you just can't win for losing.....

anyway, that's where we're at, and as always, thanks for the support.

clarity

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2003
In reply to: claritysblue
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 12:31am
Oh, Clarity, my heart goes out to you right now.

Peace and hugs,

Cheryl =)

The minute you settle for less than you

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: claritysblue
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 2:36pm
Hugs again claritysblue. Sheesh. From what I gather from your post, CPS is going to remain involved. Have they written a plan for you? What their expectations are? It sounds like you are dealing with some frustratingly unprofessional people. It is hard because you can't give specific details here. I am trying to support you in getting CPS off your back.

It sounds like the social worker assigned to your case is doing a good job? You said she is nice? Now, I strongly suggest that she become your "best friend". If you feel like she is an advocate for you, then go with it. Work with her. I know I don't have to say that to you because from all of your posts on this issue that is what it sounds like you have been doing. Continue to do so. Also, have they given you any information regarding your rights while involved with CPS? If they haven't, you can ask for that. You do have rights and your children have rights during this whole process.

It sounds like someone writing in your case file that you gave your child a marker and have "unrealistic expectations" of your baby is extremely unprofessional. I would want to know exactly how what you read was worded because narratives in a file are not EVER supposed to have judgments, just facts, what was seen and observed. AND further if the worker was really doing his/her job they would have brought up their concern right then and there and had a discussion with you. To be honest, if I was there as the worker, I would have brought up giving a marker to a baby. I would have. But I also would have made an effort to support you by offering a toy and listening to you.

ALSO, given the entire situation, it is completely understandable that your children be acting out. It is also completely understandable that your patience be wearing extremely thin.

I strongly suggest that you continue documenting all contact with CPS. I also suggest getting involved with organizations such as Early Head Start and depending on the age of your other kids, Head Start. I don't want to toot my own horn :) but we do a terrific job at supporting families and working in partnership with them. I can't remember what state you are in, but there are so many services available to you. ALSO, here in my county, when we (Early Head Start/Head Start) are involved, CPS usually doesn't remain in the picture as long. They want to see that a family is connected to community resources.

I haven't read anywhere in your posts that any of this has gone to court? Has it? Have they mentioned court? Because if they haven't, then at this point I can say that they probably aren't leaning towards the removal of your children. I am also wondering about this failure to protect business. I understand that if children witness dv then failure to protect becomes a discussion topic. But from your posts, you have left this guy and are no longer in a dangerous situation. What, if I may ask is their current concern?

I am rambling now and I am sorry. I certainly do hope the best for you and your children.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
In reply to: claritysblue
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 12:04am
thanks liz, i appreciate the thought you obviously put into your post :) to answer some of your questions:

>>>It sounds like the social worker assigned to your case is doing a good job? You said she is nice? Now, I strongly suggest that she become your "best friend". If you feel like she is an advocate for you, then go with it. Work with her. I know I don't have to say that to you because from all of your posts on this issue that is what it sounds like you have been doing. Continue to do so. Also, have they given you any information regarding your rights while involved with CPS? If they haven't, you can ask for that. You do have rights and your children have rights during this whole process.

the actual case worker is awesome, a wonderful person, but she is fresh out of college, has only been at this job for 6 months, and at the begining of the case she made some procedural mistakes that came to the attention of her superviser, so her power/say-so in my case has been significantly reduced. she is still technicaly my case worker, but she no longer has the power to make binding case decisions. and yes, i am working with all of them to the best of my ability. as for info on my rights, they have not given me any, but i have been able to find out a heck of a lot on my own. i don't really wish to know their interpretation of my rights, because the few things they have told me have been outright lies, and i know for a fact that i can't rely on their info alone, so why bother?

>>>I also suggest getting involved with organizations such as Early Head Start and depending on the age of your other kids, Head Start. I don't want to toot my own horn :) but we do a terrific job at supporting families and working in partnership with them

i have already had dd in hs for almost a year, and will be getting ds in as soon as there is an opening. and YES, you guys are AMAZING!!! i have nothing but wonderful things to say about hs, my dd loves it, i love it, and i am very involved both with dd's class as well as with hs "partnership with parents" thing. we LOVE ya'll, lol. dd's teachers have already come to bat to help me with cps.

>>>I haven't read anywhere in your posts that any of this has gone to court? Has it? Have they mentioned court? Because if they haven't, then at this point I can say that they probably aren't leaning towards the removal of your children. I am also wondering about this failure to protect business. I understand that if children witness dv then failure to protect becomes a discussion topic. But from your posts, you have left this guy and are no longer in a dangerous situation. What, if I may ask is their current concern?

no, it has not and probably will not go to court, because they simply don't have a case. with the lies they have told and the mistakes they have made, i highly doubt that they would risk that kind of exposure. however, that has not stopped them from continually threatening to take my kids. you see, they don't have to follow due process if they don't want to, dss/cps has complete jurisdiction to remove kids at will if they feel they are in imminent danger, and imminent danger can be interpreted very broadly. last week i refused to sign a safety plan because it contained lies and half truths, and that could have been interpreted as placing my kids in imminent danger by noncompliance. it depends so much on the person working your case, if that person doesn't like you, then they can do whatever they freaking feel like. and like i said, dss here in this county is taking kids left and right for NOTHING, just because they are under pressure. and once your kids are gone, it's pretty much over, good luck getting them back.

the reason they are riding me so hard is that when i ran from the home to get police after dh choked me, i left my son in the home. dh refused to let me leave with ds, and finally physically took him from me, and as dh is 200+ lbs and i'm about 110, i didn't even try to fight him for my son. ds was already upset, and i did not want to get in a tug-of-war with my baby, so i just ran. i knew that my son was safe with his father, whatever dh's faults may be, he has never hurt my kids, and he loves that boy more than life itself, so i knew ds was safe until i got the ro and the warrants. but to dss, i chose to leave my 15mo with his violent psychotic father. they just don't get it....sigh.

>>>>Have they written a plan for you? What their expectations are? It sounds like you are dealing with some frustratingly unprofessional people.

yes, yes, and YES, lol. they have a plan, but it's all the things i would and have done anyway. their expectations are for me to stay out of an abusive relationship and not let dh back in the home, DUH!!! that was never going to happen anyway. but trying to get them to believe that, well that's another story. the superviser i am dealing with is very difficult, she has been doing that job for 15 years and it's obvious that she hates her job and hates her clients. on friday, we just had it out. safety plans are supposed to be written JOINTLY by the parent and the social worker, and they are supposed to contain things that are JOINTLY agreed upon. so when she wanted me to sign a safety plan that said my home was unsafe i just refused. all three of the safety plans that we have signed have clearly stated that our home is safe, and in the section on the back with all the risk factors every single one has always been checked "no." well yesterday the supervisor tried to insist that the worker circle "other," and then say "domestic violence." i flat out refused, because not only is there no longer any domestic violence, THE KIDS FATHER IS NOT EVEN IN THE HOME!! the superviser was determined to have that circled, and i kept refusing, and we went round and round for almost half an hour. the superviser kept telling me "o fine, it's ok, you can always refuse to sign it, but then it will be in your record that you refused to sign yet another safety plan." i was furious, and refused to agree to that, because there was no way i was going to give her the chance to screw me for failing to cooperate when what they wanted me to sign was patently untrue! i FINALLY won that one by producing the other three safety plans where that had never been circled, and pointing out to her that no matter what the history of the case may have been, the date of that safety plan read 2/26/04, and as of that date there was no domestic violence and my home is and always has been safe for my children, so there was no way i was signing a paper that said that my home was unsafe when it's not. she still tried to fight me for a while, but we basicly had a stare out and amazingly i won. i just sat there with my arms folded and looked her in the eye until she caved.

but after that she clearly despised me, and didn't miss a single opportunity to make a threat or put me down. like i said, i held up while i was in front of her, but the minute i got out of the room i just bawled my eyes out. i've NEVER had anyone treat me that badly, and i've been in an abusive relationship!!! but i'd rather be called a slut and a whore all day long than have someone put down my parenting. she just kept telling me that i will go back, that if i cared for my kids i would have left earlier, that by leaving my son with dh i risked his life, and what kind of mother would do that....it was just horrible. i kept trying to tell her that I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! dh took ds from me, smashed the phone when i tried to call 911, and wouldn't let me leave with my son, what was i supposed to do?? i was trying to do the best i could...

anyway, that's where we're at, thanks for the support

clarity