Self doubt creeping in already

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Self doubt creeping in already
3
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:52am
My appt. with the attorney (to file for divorce) is set for next Tuesday...and already I'm feeling doubtful about all this. On the one hand, I *know* that there is no way my h will change....and if I stay I will always be miserable and lead an unfufilling life. I know in my heart that I don't deserve to be treated the way I do.

On the other hand, I'm so scared to go out on my own. I don't even have a job yet...though, I have one interview today (and my stomach is in knots...its at 4:30 pm). Even with this job, its part time...but good pay. And I think...maybe I'm jumping the gun about filing....NOT that my marriage will suddenly be good, but that I should work a little bit and THEN file. But I just wonder if that isn't putting off the inevitable. The thought of being the sole breadwinner can be paralyzing....and I worry about things in the future that haven't even occurred yet (what if I suddenly lose my job? What kind of housing will I find? How can I get my kids to adjust to apartment living....4 kids!!, what if my car breaks down and I can't afford a new one? etc, etc). I keep telling myself that women do THIS every single day and THEY survive....but I think that maybe I'm just afraid of lowering my standard of living, so to speak??? I dunno.

I can't live like this anymore...but I'm so scared to strike out on my own. And I'm just sooo mad that I have to make these decisions.

Any thoughts/advice from you ladies who have btdt?????

thanks

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 11:01am
Self doubt - ah, yes, BTDT. OK, here's the logical part about the paper work process. Don't stop it based on a wave of self doubt. It will not be long until he does something else to remind you why this is all so worth the hard part. Just force yourself to be good to yourself. Practice tough love on you. If you go all the way through the process and still think you made a huge mistake, you could always decide to remarry the guy. Do you think that's likely? Then why put off the inevidable?

The thought of being the sole breadwinner can be paralyzing....you are right, it can be. It can also be empowering and exhilarating. And I definately relate to being "just sooo mad that I have to make these decisions." You have done nothing to deserve to be where you have to make these decisions. I think there really is no better decision than the one you've already made. I think some of that "just soooo mad" could be used as energy to keep taking a step at a time. I made my decision and I was on a bit of an 'auto-pilot', in the beginning. If I started to waver, I soon knew who to call or reach out to. These friends here on the boards have helped me through a lot.

I was at a business confernce and the speaker at one of the luncheons was Jan Hargrave. She's an author and lecturer on the topic of body language. Through out the lucheon, she'd stand up and yell "99!" As instructed, all 300 of us would yell it back' "99". It went on like this every 5-15 minutes for a couple hours. Her talk was really interesting and she had folks from the audience up for demonstrations. (stbx skipped the luncheon for a 10:45 tee off time) At the very end she asked if any of us could guess the reason she had us yelling "99". She said it had nothing to do with body language and if we only remembered on thing from the lunch it should be this. "99 is the percent of things we worry about that never, ever happen" It true, these things pop into our brain all day every day. We can give them time or throw them out by yelling "99" and taking the next responsible step forward. (The 1% that may actually happen? Chances are you could never be ready anyway but, you'd still manage)

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:16pm
Susan~

Thanks so much for your response...it really means a lot. I called my counselor this afternoon and spoke to her for a few minutes about all this--and she said its VERY typical to have a lot of self doubt because of all the conditioning. In fact, when I look back over the years...I can't EVER recall a time when my husband did not doubt, question or negate my judgement or decisions...its NO WONDER that I'm questioning everything. I can only hope that this job interview goes well and provide me with a *little* more sense of security....its hard to think of filing without an income (but then again, its not like its going to go through tomorrow either)

Thanks again....

dharma

ps...hey, I think I know of Jan Hargrave...I have a friend who is a motivational speaker in the Toronto area and occasionally teams up with her (unless there is more than one Jan doing motivational stuff in TO)...small world, huh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:16pm
Just keep getting smaller everyday. I saw Jan speak in Santa Fe, New Mexico but I live just outside Toronto! She was/is great. Good luck on your interview and if Jan were here to give you advice she'd tell you to walk, talk, stand and sit as though you know you already have the job and just need to iron out the details. It sends a subliminal message to the interviewer. I know easier said than done.

I've interviewed hundereds of job candidates, over the years. My biggest positive first impressions came from someone who would look me in the eye when they answered my questions. They were forthcoming with information about themselves and their past but did not bad mouth anyone.

Since you are re-entering the work force, it may be helpful to say something like, "my resume may not show it but, from what you've described this position entailing, I know I can get this job done for you, if you give me the chance"

On one more thing. The employer knows what they need and what would be a good fit. If, for some reason, you are not offered the position, it's because it was not a good fit. That is nothing to take personally. We spend a great deal of our waking time on the job and it can be pure torture for both of you, if it's not a good fit. The right fit is out there. Good luck.

Keep looking up^, Susan.