Is this abuse? Husband's addiction...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Is this abuse? Husband's addiction...
9
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:49pm
My DH is a pornography addict. Sometimes it feels like I'm being abused..but I'm not sure.

He lies to me to cover up his addiction.

He just got fired from his job because he was looking at porn at work. The ground has been pulled from me...this means his addiction got worse because this never happened before. He went to work on Sunday, told me he was working but was looking at porn...I was could not believe he would lie to me in such a huge way.

Then he gets upset and tells me I don't trust him and that I need to trust him, but on the other hand he knows he'll lie again over the addiction. But he gets very upset that I don't trust him...does this confuse anyone but me? I feel ready for a strait jacket.

He says he can't help any of it because of his addiction. Then he gets angry at me when I get mad because these he lied or looked at porn or got fired!!!!! He really thinks HE is the victim here and it is messing up my mind so bad. He lays a guilt trip on me if I get angry or upset with him because he says he's an addict, and can't help it.

I feel so insane...Last night we talked about it. He said that WE as a COUPLE have problems and both need to go to therapy to deal with them. Why do I need to go to therapy when he is the addict? He's trying to make me part of the problem...instead of admitting he's being a terrible husband and treating his wife like dirt. He's telling himself that him and his wife need therapy- not just him. How can I get him to stop lying to himself?

I can not leave him because I love him with all my heart- I would rather die than leave him. I didn't know he was an addict until we got married. When we were first dating he was so happy, so carefree! So normal and good and moral...that's when I fell in love with him so completely. Somewhere between then he has let go...his dark side is taking over and I want my honey back! I can not believe he has changed so much.

Why does he turn things around on me, and how can I stop this? What should I say when he says that we both have problems, instead of admitting that he has major problems? I will not leave him now when he's so hurt...so if you're going to say leave him, please don't respond.

Wouldn't most men be on their knees apologizing and begging for forgiveness for what he did? (Lying, and getting fired for his addiction). So why is my husband telling me that we both need to work on our issues, and asking me why I'm crying last night? I feel like he has no conscience or is lying to himself...he says I don't understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 4:51pm
Wow, well, um,....Im not sure what to even say about this one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:34pm
My honest opinion....he's definitely an addict, no two ways about it. My suggestion that he gets in touch with a counselor that deals specific to sexual addiction. Also, get involved with Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)--its based on the 12 Steps (you can research the group on the web). Of course, he's blaming you....he's an addict and every addict manipulates to get what he wants. There's an old addage in the addiction field that says "How do you know when an addict is lying? Every time they open their mouth"....he'll lie and do whatever it takes to continue this addiction.

Now, as to marriage counseling...nah, don't bother...its NOT about the marriage...its about HIM, not you as a couple. MY suggestion would be to pick up Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More"....it will provide you with the encouragement you need if you decide to stick it out with your husband. However, what I have seen with sex addicts...is that it is VERY difficult to overcome. Unlike drugs and alcohol...the consequences are NOT a physically destructive (much in the same way that pedophilia has a VERY low recovery rate). BUT, that is not to say he won't beat...the first step, however, is for HIM to recognize the problem. YOU can do nothing about that...it must be HIS recognition. You CAN'T Show him the way....he'll only use that as an excuse to further his addiction.

Is it abuse? weeellllll....that's iffy....IF he forces you into sexual behavior that YOU are uncomfortable with...then, yes, its abuse. But the fact that it bothers you and he blames or lies....well, that borders on abuse, but I don't know at this point if it is. However, the POTENTIAL is definitely there.....

Please, take care of yourself. Find a counselor to help you during this process. Don't let him blame you for his addiction...and DON'T try to rescue him, you'll drown in the process. The fact that he got fired from his job, indicates that he has got a SERIOUS problem with it.

Good luck and god bless....and please keep reading here and posting any questions

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 7:55pm
Hi Wishful

Sorry to hear about the problems you are going through.

He needs help, and he needs to understand that he needs help.

He can not hold anyone or anything responsible for the consequences of his actions but himself - not even his addiction, and he needs to know that too. He's taking the easy way out by saying he can't help it. He can, but it sounds like he doesn't want to - he knows that getting help will mean he has to stop looking at porn. Addiction is a powerful and clever thing, and it's hard to know the difference between your loved one talking and the addiction talking.

Even though it is him that needs the help, it might not be a bad idea for you to get an appointment with a counselor by yourself, if only just to keep your head on the ground while going through this. He is after all your husband and this is causing you pain. On the other hand maybe both of you seeing a marriage counseler together isnt such a bad idea? The counseler will have heard this before and will know what might help him, and you.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 12:55am

Hello, Ms. Penguins! (it's a very cute nic!)








This is a link for a board at Parentsoup, Families Torn Apart by Pornography.

CL-Blueliner4

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 02-28-2004 - 1:24am
Oh dear if there is anyone here who understand this it is me. I lived with this for five years and tried to raise two kids with it. My ex had porn everywhere, acutally downloaded a screen saver to the family computer and wondered why I got mad when the kids turned it and saw it. My ex actually made a pattern to do a cross stich of it. OMG your dh is so full of it. Like he can't help it? What is that all about? That is why they make 12 step programs and have meetings and this is just not a flaw like not putting the toliet seat down that you have to deal with it is a problem that has to change addiction or not it needs to stop if only for your sanity. To this day my kids don't miss as they call it the naked people all around. Man it was hard to live it and I know and 2 years without it has been a godsend. But if he is thinking this is a couple problem then he really doesn't want to change. He wants to use it as an excuse and I'm sure there are parts you are leaving out of this post. Real sure of that one. For I heard it was our problem as well. Breathe dear and if he is not willing to get help on his own and you will not leave then Breathe and take one day at a time. Do you have children? There is a ton on the net that has to do with Men and their porn and I know there are links somewhere a long way back on the board to some of them. Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing. I did it for 5 years and I know all the excuses and ways they get around the truth and think they are not lying. I know the craziness and I know how it feels to just think why why why. I didn't get it then I don't get it now all I know is that it will lead to worse things and it is so nice not to have to deal with it. HUGS and Prayers to you dear.>Jo

Oh yeah Dr. Phil had a show on this once too if it ever comes back around have your dh watch it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 9:21am
TO ALL:

Thank you so much. I am going to look at that support board you recommended.

Update from this weekend:

My Dh has this plan for the future:

My DH is going to go to 12 step meetings 3-4 times a week and he also wants me to go to S-Anon (for spouses of addicts) and also there is a couples 12 step group, and he's also going to therapy with a counselor several times a week! This seems crazy to me...a life devoted to therapy. I can't believe my life has come to this. I don't want to go to S-anon, the last thing I want to do is go there but to humor him I might just do that.

I feel ashamed to tell my friends or family any of this. It's so personal, you know? And I know they will think I'm an idiot for staying with him, so I feel like I can't tell them...they will just tell me to leave and I don't want to do that. I love him.

Thank you so much for your support and I will go over to the support board for this topic now. I couldn't find it before...so I posted here in desperation for help.


Edited 3/1/2004 9:23:23 AM ET by penguins24

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 2:42pm
If you re-read your answer, you'll see exactly WHY a spouses group would be beneficial...you said you were "ashamed". Honey, you have NOTHING to be ashamed of, you have done NOTHING wrong....this is your husband's issue and you have done NOTHING to contribute to it.

Now, this might seem harsh (and really, I don't mean it to be) your h NEEDS his life devoted to therapy at this point....as crazy as it may seem to you right now. Without the 12 step meetings, he will inevitably go back to the pornograpy, like any addict would. Now, the couples therapy...well, that HAS to be your choice...but I STRONGLY recommend the spouses group....to deal with your shame, hurt and anger (which you have EVERY RIGHT to feel) and NO! it will not MAGICALLY disappear by his getting better. As a matter of fact, you run the danger of sabotaging his recovery, unconsciously, by NOT dealing with these emotions. You could hold onto grudges or throw in his face when convienent for you, thus negating any positive work he has done...and then IF he relapses, you run the risk of being the scapegoat, and then, of course, you get anger, hurt, shamed all over again (it becomes a nasty, vicious circle). If you really love your husband and really want your marriage to work out....then you have to go through part of the recovery process with him.....partially his and YOURS.

Hey, you're no idiot for staying....some of this comes under the context of "better or worse" (but not forever in some circumstances). Just don't tell your family/friends...its really none of their business....and again, where a support group comes in handy.

Good luck!!

dharma

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 3:34pm
Thank you. This is such a supportive board. I am going to try an S-anon meeting Wed. and see what it is like.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 8:19pm
Pornography is NOT an addiction. It is a CHOICE. Do not be fooled. He is telling you it is an addiction so he does not have to take responsibility for his lack of moral character. This way he can continue the behaviour. The therapists call it addiction because this way the insurance companies will pay for therapy and everyone gets to take your money. This is just so much psycho babble. PORNOGRAPHY IS NOT AN ADDICTION. IT IS A CHOICE. He tries to make you responsible so that he can continue the abusive behaviour.

You asked "wouldn't most men be on their knees apologizing and begging for forgiveness?" REAL men have character and would not be treating you this way. Your husband is not a man, a male yes, but not a man. There is a huge difference. He is living on the dark side of life and trying to drag you down into his cesspool. Don't fall for it. Please understand this is not an addiction. It is a choice.