Is this abuse? Husband's addiction...
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| Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:49pm |
He lies to me to cover up his addiction.
He just got fired from his job because he was looking at porn at work. The ground has been pulled from me...this means his addiction got worse because this never happened before. He went to work on Sunday, told me he was working but was looking at porn...I was could not believe he would lie to me in such a huge way.
Then he gets upset and tells me I don't trust him and that I need to trust him, but on the other hand he knows he'll lie again over the addiction. But he gets very upset that I don't trust him...does this confuse anyone but me? I feel ready for a strait jacket.
He says he can't help any of it because of his addiction. Then he gets angry at me when I get mad because these he lied or looked at porn or got fired!!!!! He really thinks HE is the victim here and it is messing up my mind so bad. He lays a guilt trip on me if I get angry or upset with him because he says he's an addict, and can't help it.
I feel so insane...Last night we talked about it. He said that WE as a COUPLE have problems and both need to go to therapy to deal with them. Why do I need to go to therapy when he is the addict? He's trying to make me part of the problem...instead of admitting he's being a terrible husband and treating his wife like dirt. He's telling himself that him and his wife need therapy- not just him. How can I get him to stop lying to himself?
I can not leave him because I love him with all my heart- I would rather die than leave him. I didn't know he was an addict until we got married. When we were first dating he was so happy, so carefree! So normal and good and moral...that's when I fell in love with him so completely. Somewhere between then he has let go...his dark side is taking over and I want my honey back! I can not believe he has changed so much.
Why does he turn things around on me, and how can I stop this? What should I say when he says that we both have problems, instead of admitting that he has major problems? I will not leave him now when he's so hurt...so if you're going to say leave him, please don't respond.
Wouldn't most men be on their knees apologizing and begging for forgiveness for what he did? (Lying, and getting fired for his addiction). So why is my husband telling me that we both need to work on our issues, and asking me why I'm crying last night? I feel like he has no conscience or is lying to himself...he says I don't understand.

Now, as to marriage counseling...nah, don't bother...its NOT about the marriage...its about HIM, not you as a couple. MY suggestion would be to pick up Melody Beattie's "Codependent No More"....it will provide you with the encouragement you need if you decide to stick it out with your husband. However, what I have seen with sex addicts...is that it is VERY difficult to overcome. Unlike drugs and alcohol...the consequences are NOT a physically destructive (much in the same way that pedophilia has a VERY low recovery rate). BUT, that is not to say he won't beat...the first step, however, is for HIM to recognize the problem. YOU can do nothing about that...it must be HIS recognition. You CAN'T Show him the way....he'll only use that as an excuse to further his addiction.
Is it abuse? weeellllll....that's iffy....IF he forces you into sexual behavior that YOU are uncomfortable with...then, yes, its abuse. But the fact that it bothers you and he blames or lies....well, that borders on abuse, but I don't know at this point if it is. However, the POTENTIAL is definitely there.....
Please, take care of yourself. Find a counselor to help you during this process. Don't let him blame you for his addiction...and DON'T try to rescue him, you'll drown in the process. The fact that he got fired from his job, indicates that he has got a SERIOUS problem with it.
Good luck and god bless....and please keep reading here and posting any questions
dharma
Sorry to hear about the problems you are going through.
He needs help, and he needs to understand that he needs help.
He can not hold anyone or anything responsible for the consequences of his actions but himself - not even his addiction, and he needs to know that too. He's taking the easy way out by saying he can't help it. He can, but it sounds like he doesn't want to - he knows that getting help will mean he has to stop looking at porn. Addiction is a powerful and clever thing, and it's hard to know the difference between your loved one talking and the addiction talking.
Even though it is him that needs the help, it might not be a bad idea for you to get an appointment with a counselor by yourself, if only just to keep your head on the ground while going through this. He is after all your husband and this is causing you pain. On the other hand maybe both of you seeing a marriage counseler together isnt such a bad idea? The counseler will have heard this before and will know what might help him, and you.
Best of luck to you.
Hello, Ms. Penguins! (it's a very cute nic!)
This is a link for a board at Parentsoup, Families Torn Apart by Pornography.
CL-Blueliner4
Oh yeah Dr. Phil had a show on this once too if it ever comes back around have your dh watch it.
Thank you so much. I am going to look at that support board you recommended.
Update from this weekend:
My Dh has this plan for the future:
My DH is going to go to 12 step meetings 3-4 times a week and he also wants me to go to S-Anon (for spouses of addicts) and also there is a couples 12 step group, and he's also going to therapy with a counselor several times a week! This seems crazy to me...a life devoted to therapy. I can't believe my life has come to this. I don't want to go to S-anon, the last thing I want to do is go there but to humor him I might just do that.
I feel ashamed to tell my friends or family any of this. It's so personal, you know? And I know they will think I'm an idiot for staying with him, so I feel like I can't tell them...they will just tell me to leave and I don't want to do that. I love him.
Thank you so much for your support and I will go over to the support board for this topic now. I couldn't find it before...so I posted here in desperation for help.
Edited 3/1/2004 9:23:23 AM ET by penguins24
Now, this might seem harsh (and really, I don't mean it to be) your h NEEDS his life devoted to therapy at this point....as crazy as it may seem to you right now. Without the 12 step meetings, he will inevitably go back to the pornograpy, like any addict would. Now, the couples therapy...well, that HAS to be your choice...but I STRONGLY recommend the spouses group....to deal with your shame, hurt and anger (which you have EVERY RIGHT to feel) and NO! it will not MAGICALLY disappear by his getting better. As a matter of fact, you run the danger of sabotaging his recovery, unconsciously, by NOT dealing with these emotions. You could hold onto grudges or throw in his face when convienent for you, thus negating any positive work he has done...and then IF he relapses, you run the risk of being the scapegoat, and then, of course, you get anger, hurt, shamed all over again (it becomes a nasty, vicious circle). If you really love your husband and really want your marriage to work out....then you have to go through part of the recovery process with him.....partially his and YOURS.
Hey, you're no idiot for staying....some of this comes under the context of "better or worse" (but not forever in some circumstances). Just don't tell your family/friends...its really none of their business....and again, where a support group comes in handy.
Good luck!!
dharma
You asked "wouldn't most men be on their knees apologizing and begging for forgiveness?" REAL men have character and would not be treating you this way. Your husband is not a man, a male yes, but not a man. There is a huge difference. He is living on the dark side of life and trying to drag you down into his cesspool. Don't fall for it. Please understand this is not an addiction. It is a choice.