I need advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
I need advice...
3
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 2:07pm
My fiancee and I have been together since we were 15, we are now both 20 and have lived together for 3 years.

We have always had a good relationship but in the last 6 months or so he has started to lose his temper more and more often mostly just kicking doors and furniture but occasionaly grabbing hold of me and just staring like he is trying hard not to hit ME.

He never has actually hit or hurt me in any way but sometimes it seems like he is right on the verge of doing so. I know that he is under alot of stress at the moment at work and I am in the final year of a degree at university to add to that I am three months pregnant...but this doesnt seem like an excuse to lose his temper so violently with me for reasons like he cant find his shoes...He has also started to be quite "forceful" when he wants to have sex and sometimes does things i dont really want to do.

The fact that he hasnt actually hurt me and the fact that he stops himself makes me think that there is hope that he wont...I want to talk about it with him but he wont even acknowledge that it happens, which of course makes it impossible for us to talk to anyone else about it...

I dont know what to do as I dont want this to end things,especially now that I am pregnant but at the same time I starting to feel very nervous about doing anything arpund the house in case it upsets him...


fernies3

Edited 2/29/2004 2:09:20 PM ET by fernies3


Edited 2/29/2004 2:26:41 PM ET by fernies3

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 4:28pm
Dear Fern,

Could have used your whole logo, but Fern reminds me of a lady I knew when I was young. Congratulations on being pregnant! Things have been fine as long as you kept 100% attention to you. Now that he knows he will have to share he is having problems dealing with it. You have a right to walk around the house freely. You have a right to feel at home....don't let that right go. If you are afraid now, it will only get worse.

It did in my situation. I had my little girl. Watching her when I was gone involved putting her in the swing at keeping it wound up. I used to really enjoy making her food from scratch, which involved melting a few ice cubes...that was too inconvenient. When she turn two, he decided he was going to die and I spent my time going to hospitals and taking care of my daughter...the saga goes on...It does not get any better.

You need to see if you can understand what is bothering him and he needs to be open about it. You shouldn't ever be afraid of what your spouse it doing.

Avatar for itsgoodtobeme
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 9:47pm
Welcome and HUGS dear. This is what I think I have dealt will much of what you are talking about with my ex and although being grabed and watching someone lose it over something small is hard to deal with. My ex went in a mood because gas prices went up from the time he went in to work to the time he got off from work. You'd of thought that I was behind it. Whatever. I'm more concerned about the sex things. My ex never hit me not one time. 5 years with two kids and he never hit me but I do know the look you are talking about. He never even grabbed me but I do know the look and sometimes I thought just hit just one time and then I can go. If that thought ever crosses your mind just go that is a bad sign. I'm a different person on this board for I was never hit and I was never told I was stupid or anything but the longer you accept what he is doing in the sexual aspect of you life together the worse it will get. Does he act like you owe it to him? Does he just disregaurd what you what and what you say about it? Do you feel if just do it things will be better? Do you feel like you have to? My ex got ugly in this section of our life together up to the point where I did not sleep till he was happy. I would stay at work till 3am and I'll be dammed if he was not still up waiting. I have many horror stories about this and let me till you it started when I was pregant it came and went but by the last year it was daily. You know him better than anyone here but I can tell you that letting it slide for whatever reasons tells him that it is okay to treat you like this. If you don't want to do whatever it is he wants to do say no and stick to it. The more you give the more he will do and it will snowball out of control and if your not getting hit and not getting yelled at not many people understand he just won't leave me alone. It got so bad one year for my birthday his present to me was to let me sleep. What was that? It didn't start out really bad just like whatever, fine, I just want to sleep and it became an all out battle at times.Put your foot down now about this. If that doesn't work trust me get out. It will change who you are and what good will that do your child. If you think he is stressed about the child comming then talk about it if he won't talk about it you can't make him but walking on eggshells in your own home is not the way to raise a child. HUGS and Prayers to you dear. I know my ex would have never hit me but let me tell you it is your body living with, married too, whatever it is yours to say what can and will be done with it and too it.>Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 8:01pm
You cant live like that and be happy.

One thing i read in a book about abusers is that for some reason statisticly abuse starts or becomes worse when the woman is pregnant. The book didnt really explain why just that it was proven.

I found myself in a situation when I told the man i was with i was pregnant and he didnt want to discuss it at the time cause we were on our way to a romantic week end getaway. Well lets just say i spent our romantic evening in a hotel bathroom w/ a large lump on my head and huge welt on my ass. Usually something would lead up to an outburst like this but this one came out of nowhere.

When i read about it in that book it was like.....oh........

My thought is men who act violently towards women have a lot of self image issues that they dont deal w/ . when the thought of becoming a dad comes into the picture they have to deal w/ who they are and it backfires.